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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I messed up & I think I could lose my friend!

22 replies

IdiotWhoDoesIdioticThings · 15/04/2023 06:08

I totally messed up and now I’m embarrassed and there is no one I can talk to and it’s so personal.
So, quicky to say: I’m akward person with not many friends.
Luckily I have this pretty amazing guy in my life who has been my friend now about three years.
His very kind and accepting person, who let’s me be the way I am.

Now the problem, he asked me out - and I the idiot - said yes.
And I wanted to say yes, I think I kind of had a crush on him at some point (right now).
I’ve been so happy and smiling, until reality hit.
I don’t think I can do the sex stuff, I may be even pretty averse about it, I don’t know, it’s all messed up in my head, I don’t know.
So anyway, if his like most people ate, his going to want it, so bad news for me.

I have to cancel date, I do know that. Right?
But what do I say, and what do I after?
I mean, it’s going to be weird, I was beaming (embarrasing) when he asked.
What if he doesn’t want to even be my friend after?

I know I’m an idiot, should have just say no thank you, I got caught up in the moment.

OP posts:
barmycatmum · 15/04/2023 06:12

He’s your friend and you are yourself around him- tell him the truth, and see if you both still want to go on the date.
asexual doesn’t mean aromantic, but also, it’s not a personal thing against him, is it.

you might just say you really don’t want the friendship to change.

you’re not the one who made the mistake- he asked. Anything after that is potentially awkward, unless you decide firmly that it’s not awkward.

just be honest and be yourself. Good luck! 🍀

TheOpenRoad · 15/04/2023 06:14

Firstly, it sounds like you have a good connection with this man and that he treats you well. It also sounds like you want to go on a date and see if there's more than friendship between you.

Can I ask, why are you jumping straight to worrying about sex? Do you feel you'd need to get physical on the first date? Because you absolutely do not have to rush in to anything and there should be no pressure to do so.

BattleofBeamfleot · 15/04/2023 06:17

The hard truth is that if someone is interested in you romantically, the friendship is already over. Humans don't cope well with rejection and he wouldn't react well to it. If you said no, or you accept only to cancel later, it's 99% likely he will feel humiliated and your friendship is as good as gone.

A date is just a date. Nobody says you have to have sex right away. It's about getting to know someone better to see if they might be a potential fit for you. I'm not going to pry into why you think you can't do "the sex stuff", but I'd point out you don't even know right now what HIS hang ups might be about it, either.

If you genuinely like him, I would try very hard to get out of my own head, if I were you. You haven't done anything stupid by agreeing to a date. It's not a lifetime sentence. It's a meal.

Original poster
IdiotWhoDoesIdioticThings · 15/04/2023 06:36

Can I ask, why are you jumping straight to worrying about sex?

Because this is where it always has gone wrong for me in the past, with others - the little I have try to date before. And I think due to that I’ve
developed anxiety about the whole thing.

Do you feel you'd need to get physical on the first date?

Not necessarily on the first day.
I kind of beat myself up about this stuff.
That I should want it, do it, had already done it.
And usually, in my expirience, men have moved quickly…

OP posts:
PooCurtain · 15/04/2023 06:42

I think if you say no to the date now you’ll lose your friend anyway.

So go along for the date and see what happens. You have nothing to lose but everything to gain.

AlwaysAlba · 15/04/2023 06:46

I can just see this happening to my DD, caught up in happiness in the moment saying yes then realising actually it would probably have an expectation of sex; she’s asexual (not aromantic). You have to lay your cards on the table, and talk honestly to your friend.
Obviously, this is presuming asexuality, if “the sex thing” response is due to historical trauma firstly I’m so sorry and secondly please, please, talk to GP for a referral for counselling etc. I only finally felt safe (and v loved) in a sexual relationship when I met my DH in my 40s, each situation before that sadly triggered my childhood fear-responses to sexual abuse.

romdowa · 15/04/2023 06:49

You've known him for 3 years. Go on the date and be honest with him. Say you like him but you are nervous about sex. I agree with pp that if there are feelings involved then it's going to ruin the friendship anyway , so you've nothing to loose by being honest

SparklingChampagneAndStrawberries · 15/04/2023 06:55

Go on the date! It doesn’t have to lead to anything. Plenty of people don’t sleep with their partners for ages after getting together.

Mumma · 15/04/2023 06:56

I just wanted to jump in and say I am now in the best relationship of my life with 'a friend'. Its just not comparable to all the idiots i encountered before.

You already have a solid foundation and this could be your forever man! Tske a deep breath and dont let your anxoety ruin it for you. X x

Summerfun54321 · 15/04/2023 06:57

Go on the date. Get therapy for anxiety. Tell him you aren't ready to be physical.

readbooksdrinktea · 15/04/2023 07:01

Summerfun54321 · 15/04/2023 06:57

Go on the date. Get therapy for anxiety. Tell him you aren't ready to be physical.

This. Don't borrow trouble. If you've been friends for years just tell him.

barmycatmum · 15/04/2023 07:05

Take it as slowly as you need to. If you were pushed past your comfort zone in the past, that is not an example of how things are supposed to be- not in any way.

“no” is a fine response , and you can say no any time you are not comfortable. You get to, it’s your right to your own body and well being.

If this is a good man, he’ll be respectful of what you need, but he can’t read your mind, so you DO need to be brave and communicate.

ISeeTrees · 15/04/2023 07:08

Agree with those saying go on the date.
Assuming no historical abuse, from your posts it sounds like your previous experiences have been with dickheads ("in my experience, men have moved on pretty quickly"). This could be the start of something new and lovely! Don't rush it and keep being yourself, that's who he's falling for Flowers

Sunflowergirl1 · 15/04/2023 07:09

You just need to go slowly and calm down. Agree to go on a date but say you want to go slowly especially as you have been friends for three years

ElmTree22 · 15/04/2023 08:00

IdiotWhoDoesIdioticThings · 15/04/2023 06:36

Can I ask, why are you jumping straight to worrying about sex?

Because this is where it always has gone wrong for me in the past, with others - the little I have try to date before. And I think due to that I’ve
developed anxiety about the whole thing.

Do you feel you'd need to get physical on the first date?

Not necessarily on the first day.
I kind of beat myself up about this stuff.
That I should want it, do it, had already done it.
And usually, in my expirience, men have moved quickly…

You sound as though you're letting your anxiety take over already. You need to breathe and remember that one date doesn't change the relationship you already have. Just communicate with him. Tell him your anxieties. He then shouldn't put pressure on you and you can let yourself naturally go with your body and your feelings.
It's all about the communication.

OlympicProcrastinator · 15/04/2023 08:12

You don’t need to think about sex at this stage. I dated my DH for three months before we DTD. If a man likes you he won’t pressure you and will enjoy getting to know you first. It can totally be on your terms and if there is any pressure then you have a good reason to cool things off.

Just go and enjoy yourself!

Original poster
IdiotWhoDoesIdioticThings · 15/04/2023 18:07

Thank you for the comments.

I think I’ll go to the first date and see what happens.

About worries around sex, it’s just that I’ve seeked out and read around this topic, of not wanting / being able to have sex, and it’s pretty much always been a no-no.
To not go on a date, tell straight away, selfish, wasting the other personms time, why even bother, useless etc.
So that has made me really afraid!

OP posts:
Original poster
IdiotWhoDoesIdioticThings · 17/04/2023 15:23

So an update no one asked.

We had the date, it went well, although I was nervous as hell.

But then the tooic moved to past dating etc, and he very nicely kind of wondered how come I never talked about dating or didn’t have a partner in these three plus years we’ve known each other.
And I accidentally just spilled it out, and told him that sex with me wasn’t going to happen (this is a very short version of the conversation, we talked it through) and after listening and few questions and more talking he said sex is important to him and this wouldn’t work out.

We promised to remain friends (god I hope this stays true).

So, not a happy ending, but I’m still glad I went, it was a really great day until the end.

OP posts:
Mumma · 17/04/2023 17:21

Im glad it all went OK. Well done for putting yourself out there!

2bazookas · 17/04/2023 17:46

Its just a date! you don't have to offer sex on a first date.

If he suggests a second date, then is the time to say wte " I enjoy spending time with you butI'm only looking for friendship, not a physical relationship"

TempNCforthis · 18/04/2023 09:39

Do you think you'd benefit from counselling about your aversion to sex, OP?

Original poster
IdiotWhoDoesIdioticThings · 23/04/2023 11:44

TempNCforthis · 18/04/2023 09:39

Do you think you'd benefit from counselling about your aversion to sex, OP?

I don’t really see it that way @TempNCforthis
I’m fine not having it, I don’t want it, I don’t even want to want it.
Of course it complicates things when it comes to finding a life prtner.
But I want to be in a relationship and loved as who I am, not just because what they get from me or having to change myself or pretend to be something I’m not.
Hopefully that makes sense.

OP posts:
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