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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to help friend ( domestic abuse)

15 replies

Whitegrenache · 14/04/2023 22:31

Not sure where to post this thread

DF who is very intelligent and self sufficient lady married last year and seems to have a fabulous relationship

Recently had baby 6 weeks ago and told me today that her DH has been very nasty to her throughout her pregnancy and has been violent in 2 occasions
Both times pinning her against a wall by her neck and once dragging her by her hair.

She has asked her DH to leave today after a particular bad day where he has been mean to her. Told her he hates her etc. I 100% believe and support her. She says he has never been like this before ( always had a temper and been grumpy) but never been violent before and thinks he is suffering from bad mental health

Please help how I can be a good friend to her

OP posts:
Swingwhenyourewinning · 14/04/2023 22:37

Has he gone ?? Go get her and bring her and the baby to your house or stay with her

Coffeeandchocs · 14/04/2023 22:40

In my work I see a lot of pregnant and new mums and they will often recount their partners being normal until they were pregnant. Abuse often starts during pregnancy because the woman is in such a vulnerable position and unfortunately these cruel, twisted men see this as an opportunity to exert their power over them. It is not helped by the attitude that I so often see spewed on MN, that she must have known the type of man she was having a baby with.
People ask, “why did you have a baby with this man?!” when women post about their partners being terrible partners or fathers Sometimes there are signs, but often there aren’t and these men do change when their partners become pregnant.
Please give her the details for women’s aid and let her know you are there for her. Please emphasise that men like this do no change for the better and that even with ill mental health there is no excuse for abusing your partner.

Original poster
Whitegrenache · 14/04/2023 22:41

She has been at mine all night and just gone home. She's safe. I offered to stay with her and she refused. She has multiple animals so can't stay here. Her DH is staying with family tonight

OP posts:
Original poster
Whitegrenache · 14/04/2023 22:42

@Coffeeandchocs i was aware of this due to mumsnet sadly

Fuck me it is horrific

OP posts:
Coffeeandchocs · 14/04/2023 22:46

Whitegrenache · 14/04/2023 22:41

She has been at mine all night and just gone home. She's safe. I offered to stay with her and she refused. She has multiple animals so can't stay here. Her DH is staying with family tonight

You’re a wonderful friend. You could also call women’s aid yourself and they’d share with you what they recommend you do. They won’t ask for your friends details, they will just tell you what steps you can take.

Babyandmexox · 14/04/2023 22:47

Poor mental health is not an excuse by all means he needs to address his issues. But she absolutely needs to leave what he has shown and done is 10000% unforgivable, she needs to focus on her and her new baby. Life changes so much when you’ve had a baby and so does your perspective. Keep being an amazing friend to her.

Mummyof287 · 14/04/2023 23:03

There's a 6 week old baby in that house, presumably witnessing the DV.You need to make social services aware.

Mummyof287 · 14/04/2023 23:04

If he was physically violent to the mum during pregnancy he clearly doesn't care enough to protect the baby either, so who knows what he is capable of with a temper.

Coffeeandchocs · 14/04/2023 23:10

Mummyof287 · 14/04/2023 23:03

There's a 6 week old baby in that house, presumably witnessing the DV.You need to make social services aware.

I don’t think this should be the first port of call in this instance. The offending partner has already been asked to leave and has tonight stayed elsewhere. What needs to happen now is support needs to be given to OPs friend to make a life away from this man.
If, however, she chose to go back to him, or allow him to come back to the house, then it would be advisable to contact social services and voice concerns.

Merrydance · 14/04/2023 23:34

She needs to report this to the Police, seek their support to get an injuction against him and get a marker on her address, so she will be prioritised should she call the police against him. Women's Aid and her Health Visitor can support her. She needs to takd decisive action in order to protect herself but also prioritise her baby. If she continues in this relationship she will be seen by Social Services as placing her baby at risk. There is help if she is willing to accept it.
Having your friendship will be really helpful, as all this is not easy for her

Definitelycross · 15/04/2023 00:04

The time around leaving has been proven to be the most dangerous time.

I'm not scaremongering but even if she thinks she's safe these utter bastards are very clever and should never be underestimated.

Womens Aid first port of call, if she's already lodged it with the police.

They'll hold her hand and walk her through every aspect. I found this more helpful in a way as they're more objective and removed.

I disagree that Social Services need to be informed. And I know it's not been said by anyone on here but that old chestnut of - why did she have a baby with him? Why did she stay? THIS has to stop.

The perpetrator is the one in the wrong. We should be demanding why does he think this is ok?

The other reason for getting women's aid involved is she's just had a baby, her hormones and everything have to settle.

You're a fabulous friend. Believe me she will always remember you for this.

lifehappens12 · 15/04/2023 03:16

Keep offering support. This is a really dangerous time for your friend. And again sorry to scare you but in my experience once an abuser thinks the victim is now not complying - they start to feel they have lost control and get worse.

Keep checking in and reminding her that you are there when ever: I had friends give me keys to their houses so I could escape if I ever needed too.

Also - at this stage there is a huge risk she goes back to him. You feel fed up and don't want to hear the moaning anymore and he has won by isolating her.

So keep reminding her she isn't alone, she has support and she is worth so much more than him

Original poster
Whitegrenache · 15/04/2023 08:35

He has been having an affair...at hers now

OP posts:
Original poster
Whitegrenache · 15/04/2023 15:51

And of course now full of apologies and remorse. Denying anything physical has happened

OP posts:
Definitelycross · 15/04/2023 22:50

Whitegrenache · 15/04/2023 15:51

And of course now full of apologies and remorse. Denying anything physical has happened

Oh what a cunt.

The lies just flow from these bags of shite

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