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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To block DD's dad

16 replies

sleepingbeauty99 · 14/04/2023 19:42

I have a DD with my ex who has been extremely inconsistent since she was born. There have been three occasions where he has vanished into thin air and he hasn't made contact or seen his daughter.

It has now been a month since I last heard from him or he saw his daughter and I'm thinking of blocking him. I feel it would be better for my daughter to have an absent father rather than one who is inconsistent and doesn't bother to see her for long periods of time. I have tried and tried to help facilitate a relationship between him and DD but I'm getting tired of doing this when he's clearly not bothered. He's also made comments that I should have had an abortion.

I mentioned all this to a friend earlier in the week who told me that as a mother, it's my job to keep trying with him because every child needs a dad and my daughter will resent me if I don't keep trying. However, I feel that if I were to block him, I would be acting in my daughters best interests as I don't want my daughter to go through the heartbreak of having a dad who's in and out. AIBU?

Just to add, DD is 10 months. Before I get comments like 'why did you have a baby with this man?', I don't want to give too many details but his behaviour completely changed after I got pregnant which resulted in me having to leave.

OP posts:
LittleHollow1 · 14/04/2023 19:45

Have you sat and talked with him about this problem?

strawberryjeans · 14/04/2023 19:48

I think on the surface of it yes YABU. It’s not just about you but her daughter too, and you can’t prohibit him from seeing her if he’s not actually done anything wrong. Perhaps don’t try any more with him but you have to leave the door open for him to contact you - morally. Even if it’s inconsistent. It’s not anything tangibly bad, like he’s a bad character or anything, so there’s no reason to block him.

Wishitsnows · 14/04/2023 19:49

I can’t see why it would be any more your job than his! You are the one parenting and he isn’t. Can’t see why your DD would resent you for that. It’s him that’s not bothered.

Hiddenvoice · 14/04/2023 19:51

Have you spoken to him about it? It seems like he just isn’t interested in being a father. If you’re happy to continue doing as you are and being a single mum then I’d leave him to it. Personally I wouldn’t block him, I just wouldn’t be chasing him to see dd. I wouldn’t facilitate meetings and would let him contact you when he next remembers.

if you block him then you risk it all turning nasty with him blaming you from keeping his child from him. You won’t gain anything from blocking him as he already isn’t contacting you. Just leave the lines to communication open but let him take the lead.

One day your child will ask what happened and you can say you did everything you can but it’s on him. If you block him she might start questioning why.

PollyPeptide · 14/04/2023 19:59

My best friend has 2 daughters - now both in their 40s. Her husband ran away when they were very young. Just like your husband, he'd reappear, disappear, promise to come and then not show up. One of her children sort of gave up on him. She didn't fret over it. If he showed up, she'd go out with him if she felt like it; if not, she didn't. She never fell out with him . She felt he was a useless father and she planned her life and he had to fall in line with her plans. Her other daughter was the complete opposite. No matter how often he let her down, she'd always be there waiting the next time. She couldn't bear it when her sister criticised him.
So I guess what I'm saying is that you can't predict what relationship your daughter will have with her father. I think you have to let her have contact and let her guide you in how their relationship develops.

Starlightstarbright1 · 14/04/2023 20:02

what happens when he gets in touch ?

Do you chase him for contact?

your Dd is young enough she won’t remember any of this . How long does he stay absent.

I did try for longer with my ex . From what you say he will turn up like a bad penny. I would then make it clear he needs to be consistent or you won’t be doing it again.

I do think children having a parent coming in and out is damaging but think she is not at that age yet

OhMyCherriePie · 14/04/2023 20:10

I don’t even think a month is that long tbh my ex didn’t see our kids for 2 years! And I didn’t even block him then, he is blocked now though. One month? I’d leave if you will just be accused of making it difficult for him

LIZS · 14/04/2023 20:13

A month out of 10 is quite a lot, let alone with previous absences. Does he ever make contact of his own initiative?

Workawayxx · 14/04/2023 20:14

I’d just leave him unblocked but change your mindset to expect nothing. Don’t expend any energy on him but equally if it suits you for him to see your dd at the time then go with it. This can be revised as she gets older and potentially more disappointment at the let down but I’d keep the door open for now (for dds sake not his).

potatowhale · 14/04/2023 20:17

I wouldn't block him from contacting you. Just don't bother replying if it's not important. He may need to contact you to tell you he's going to die or something like that.

LittleHollow1 · 16/04/2023 15:43

My sons father was the same, we were young and it took time for him to grow up and realise that his child is important. He sees him every weekend. I understand how annoying and how much they seem like a waste of space but like others have said, keep the communication open because if you try to stop him from seeing your child it WILL come back to bite you wether that be your child upset you didn't let them see the father or the other way around. Good luck I wish you well.

strawberry2017 · 16/04/2023 16:05

It's not your job to keep trying.I wouldn't block him but I wouldn't make the effort to contact him either.

Reugny · 16/04/2023 16:10

strawberry2017 · 16/04/2023 16:05

It's not your job to keep trying.I wouldn't block him but I wouldn't make the effort to contact him either.

This.

I know adults who have turned on the parent that bought them up because they blocked contact as babies/toddlers. On the other hand I know adults who as teens told their parent where to go when they finally decided to contact them.

BuddyandTinsel · 16/04/2023 16:13

No you shouldn't block him. Of course not.

Fraaahnces · 16/04/2023 16:25

I would text him an email address. Let him know that this is how he can contact his DD in the future now. Then I would block his number. I would occasionally check the email address, making sure that there is nothing abusive or psychologically damaging, and hand over the email and log-in details to DD when she is old enough with an explanation about why you blocked his number and when. (Plus a printout of proof of contact from him and when he flaked.) Leave it up to her.

HamBone · 16/04/2023 16:29

I wouldn’t block him, I’d just leave all future contact to him. Don’t text or email him at all, always let him make the first move.

If he doesn’t, that on him. He’s got your contact information.

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