Sister has stopped talking to me since I became pregnant

[feijoo]

Hi everyone! This is my first post on Mumsnet.

I'm currently 30 weeks pregnant and very much looking forward to the birth of my daughter. Sadly, my sister (only 18 months apart in age from me) stopped talking to me since I became pregnant and it's the source of so much sadness for me and my family.

I had some counselling over the issue for a few months recently to see if I could grieve the loss of my sister and move on in some way, but I keep getting stuck and pulled back. I'm just wondering if anyone has any insight into this or has been in a similar situation? How do you move forward from this?

My sister has suffered from serious depression since we were teenagers together. She made some unfortunate choices in life due to her mental illness and ended up isolating herself more and more. About 10 years ago her boyfriend at the time told her she should terminate her pregnancy because they were not ready to be parents. He told her they could have children later on when they had somewhere permanent to live, some money, prospects etc. He broke up with her about a year later because (as he told me) he didn't love her anymore and couldn't deal with her depression and thus 'miserable' life together. She delayed getting the abortion until it was almost too late, during which time she was partying (drinking, recreational drugs) so she couldn't have kept the baby in any case. The abortion was traumatic for her and it didn't go well so she had to go back for more procedures. She suffered PTSD over the whole situation.

Over the years she has retreated more and more from friends, family and 'normal' life to the point where these days I don't even know where she lives. When I told her I was pregnant with my first child (I am married) she sent me an email telling me she could no longer talk to me as it was so painful for her that it had sent her back into a serious depression. She thanked me for bringing up the opportunity for her to try to heal herself. She said that maybe later on in late pregnancy she may be able to see me. Since then she has changed her phone number so I cannot contact her. I don't know if she has changed her email but she has not replied to the two emails I have sent over the past 7 months. I am conscious of not messaging or contacting her because she told me she could no longer know me.

My sister and I used to be best friends from when I was a baby until my early twenties. We were always close. It breaks my heart that she will not speak to me, though I understand she must be in a lot of pain to act like this. I have never lost a baby so I don't know what that feels like but of course I understand it must be horrific. I feel very rejected and very hurt because I know I have not done anything wrong. I am trying to reconcile the fact that she has depression, she has PTSD, she has suffered baby loss with my own pain and that of my family. If I think about her not meeting her niece when she is born, I just cry. The whole thing is just tragic and so sad.

Is there any hope for my sister? Is there any hope for me or us together? AIBU to think we might one day have a relationship and she might be involved in my baby's life as her aunt? Or should I resign myself to the loss of my sister and start to grieve the loss of her in my life properly?

I would accept that your sister is not in the best of places with her mental health, and try and figure out how you go through life knowing it was nothing you have done wrong. You have to protect your own mental health in all of this.

My heart goes out to you on this, as I actually have personal experience.
First off, your sister has mental ill-health. She probably spends every moment wishing she was well as could interact normally, but it's just too difficult for her.

As weird as it sounds - don't take it personally! She is fighting her own demons.

I have a friend who spent her massive inheritance on a strange form of IVF in Finland a few years ago. She said to me "I must be a mother. If I'm not a mother, what am I for?"

My friend has a very successful career as an artist. A beautiful house, a loving partner, great family, etc. However, her inability to have a child has broken her.

Your sister may have desperately wanted her child. She may be tying the abortion into all manner of unknown and incorrect assumptions based on how her life is now, when she wakes at 3am, belly full of anxiety rather than child.

Who knows? Your happy news might have been the straw which broke the camel's back, and the only way she could process her own PTSD trauma was to step away.

Either way, unfortunately, none of that is within your gift to heal. You sound like a caring and loving sister. I've no advice to offer, save to say the old cliché that time is a healer.

Maybe Google her to find some email or social media contact, and simply tell her you love her and will always be there for her without judgement whenever she needs. Then give her space.

(All of that is predicated on the fact she is in contact with some MH services, or personal support network, that's not family? If not, then it's a different matter, dig?)

How awful for you, but your sister is being unreasonably self-centered. You've done what you could to keep in contact and she's so ill she cannot even pretend to act happy for you and the baby. She's made your happy circumstances the reason for her relapse, and told you you are at fault for her latest depressive episode. That is entirely unfair, immature, unkind, unreasonable.

I'm so sorry your sister has made this all about herself. On top of everything else, despite her mental illness, she's being exceptionally rude, and perhaps only time or more insight later on in her life will cause her to regret her behavior and seek contact with you.

Unfortunately, I think you'll have to stop worrying about her and put your own life and your new baby's life as your first priority and let your sister be for now.

You asked if anyone had been in a similar circumstance. My first pregnancy was a complicated miscarriage, and my sister called to gently tell me she was pregnant. She was afraid I'd be upset to hear her good news. Despite my own history with depression, and knowing I was told I had to wait an entire year to try again (such was the type of miscarriage) I assured her I was very happy for her, that she was not to worry about me. That's what a kind person says to her sister, and I was genuinely happy for her.

Your sister is very ill and it's not your fault.

Thank you all so very much for your responses. I had a good cry about it all (again!) yesterday. It means a lot to me just to hear some validation that it's not me being a terrible person to wish that she would be in my life despite her illness and her problems. I'm really sorry that you all too have experienced some crappy situations and some difficult times. I'm going to try not to take it personally and focus on my baby and my life with hubby, and perhaps if sister is able to contact me at some point in the future we will need to take it from there.... Love to all!