Is this coercive control or something else? What to do??

[NotmyRLname]

Ok so basically my ex was coercive and controlling and was borderline violent at times. There’s no real evidence of this. We have teenage children who live with me but he sees frequently.
anyway he turns up unannounced to see the kids and walks in anytime he wants despite knowing I don’t like this. Our older son is always on his dads “side” so to speak and he cannot see that anything his dad does is wrong. If I bring anything up about his dad it makes him dislike me and so the problem becomes worse because then his dad uses it to divide us. my sons 15 and in the throws of teenage unreasonableness so everything I do is nagging/moaning/unreasonable ect ect.

But basically I feel this is my exes way of controlling me. He knows I don’t like it and it’s basically complete disrespect. But i feel like I can’t enforce boundaries because a) it’s two against one, b) son will hate me more c) I can’t call police or anything because there’s no definition to what this actually is and I never reported the abuse in the past so there’s no history

i know I need to fight it but it’s hard after years of abuse and gaslighting and also extra hard when me fighting it is what he’s able to use to alienate me further from my son who just doesn’t seem to understand the issue. I just end up looking crazy :-(

100% it's about control. You need to stop it.

And whilst 15 year olds are undoubtedly tricky, I think you need to have a chat with your son about respect. The language he uses towards you (nagging, moaning etc) is sexist. He's old enough to know that you are doing your best to keep everyone safe and happy and that everyone deserves boundaries. I would definitely be addressing how he speaks to you, if not for your own sake, for that of any future partner he may have.

How does he just walk in? Does your son let him in? I think it’s fair to say to your son that you aren’t comfortable his dad coming into the house; he may act like it’s unreasonable but is there someone else who could talk to your son and explain that an ex doing this isn’t how most people live or would accept it? He also will realise later in life that what you said was fair

Yes sons let him in. My son knows how I feel he just doesn’t care or maybe he doesn’t want to have to argue with his dad :-(

Your Ex sounds like a massive prick!

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest - this is bordering on intimidating and controlling behaviour.

However, you said "teenage children" - then just mention the 15yr old. How old is/are the others?

Of course the 15yr old sides with the dad - especially a dad who's not around, because he looks to him to see how to be a man. And also the dad probably buys him a chocolate bar and tells him stories of fast cars/fast women - "that's what it is to be a cool man, son!"

You can't win against that. A dad who drops in and out of a son's life. Same as a "cool" uncle.

It's not fair on you. However, how do you enforce those boundaries? I don't know. Sorry. If it becomes too bad, get a restraining order via the uk.gov courts and school the fucker on respect!

Set your own boundaries. Ex is not allowed in the house.