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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How do you keep going?

19 replies

Mooshamoo · 14/04/2023 13:09

Life is so hard. I'm 39. I've been through the wars.

I had no dad. My mother was present but hated being a mother and was depressed to the point where she abused us all the time . She was out of control. I spent most of my childhood trying to save my brother from my mother as she was the most abusive to him

I had no grandparents. No aunts and uncles. Life was a constant struggle. I had sexual abuse. I've never had a very loving boyfriend. Because I'm weak I always seem to attract abusive men. I've never had a single person care about me.

I'm so alone. There has never been any happiness in my life. Just constant struggle I'm only in my thirties still and I feel absolutely exhausted.

I just long to feel love from one single person. And I can't see me ever having it.

I feel sad that I'm only in my thirties and this is how I feel. It's such a struggle to keep going. It scares me that I have to live another fifty years.

I was just reading a book about Marilyn Monroe. Apart from her being a movie star and me not being one, we had very similar lives. She had no father and she had an abusive mother. It affected her whole life. She reached her late thirties, my age, and she couldn't go on anymore she was a complete mess. Constantly on drugs. And overdosing.and then she overdosed.

I just don't know what to do with myself. I've done so much therapy, it doesn't help. I've done antidepressants. It doesn't help. What am i supposed to do with myself.

If you've had a terrible life, how do you cope?

OP posts:
SomersetDreams · 14/04/2023 14:39

I have PM'd you as i felt you might need a personal message :)

SomersetDreams · 14/04/2023 14:41

The truth is...the drugs dont work. Its best to find joy in nature or walks. Swimming is the one that helps me. You can join a groupor not but the key thing is to get out of your own head. Have a chat with a stranger even if you dont feel like it. look around there are a lot of people worse off maybe help someone out and it will be a distraction and you will realise how lucky you are in some ways.

I wish you peace and joy in finding the life you love x

SomersetDreams · 14/04/2023 14:43

Dont dwell. You can have a fresh start whatever one you choose and it will be enjoyable. New busiess, new job, new hobby , new friends, travel or local trips anything that take you out of you own head for a while.

mumofgirls87 · 14/04/2023 14:44

As an ex drug addict it won't help you at all. You need to go to your GP and get some kind of therapy.
No one deserves the life you've had.
In the nicest way possible what about adopting a dog. You can heal together ❤️

Aphrathestorm · 14/04/2023 17:42

I hear you.

Find pleasure in the small things.

Have you thought about having your own dc?

TheHoover · 14/04/2023 18:10

You have to love yourself first. It sounds like you really don’t 💐
Your past does not need to define you. But being stuck in a victim mentality definitely will. It is possible to overcome trauma / horrific life events if you really, really want to.
I recommend hypnotherapy or life coaching.

IHeartGeneHunt · 14/04/2023 18:22

I've had some awful things happen (I was trafficked into prostitution, homeless, an addict, in a mental unit, an alcoholic) and uninterested parents in the beginning.

The bad things haven't gone away and they won't, but they're not me. They happened to me but they're not me.
There's joy in little things and always something to look forward to, next week I'm going to another city for a day by myself just because I want to.
Realising that nobody else can save you was the thing for me I think. Unless you change from inside you, all the help in the world will just slide straight off. I don't mean change as in you're not good enough now - because you are - I mean a change in the way you look at things.

Life is hard and tiring and a grind and it gets on top of you, but it's beautiful as well and that is the bit you focus on, and that's what keeps me going.

TryingToAdapt · 14/04/2023 18:35

Shit Life Syndrome. Takes up a huge amount of energy to cope with the fallout from a bunch of ACES.

Adverse Childhood Experiences affect the whole of your life in a very real way, down to your health and lifespan.

My ACES are down to bad luck (unusually high amount of grief and loss, and complex ill health) not intentional abuse, but I have been very lucky too and I suppose that is what I hold on to - that random fortune can give you a boost and change the direction and course, at any point.

So that acts as motivation to keep going, not lose hope altogether, and to work as hard as I can to make a good life.

I do have very bleak dark days (another recent bereavement is agony at the moment and some days I don't know what way is up) so by no means am I fucking Pollyanna, quite the opposite Grin

The future is not set in stone, you never know what is around the corner for you that could be something great.

Mooshamoo · 16/04/2023 12:07

I just wish it was all over. I'm 39. Every day I go to bed, I pray that I won't wake up.

Only 51 more years of hell to live through

OP posts:
AdvicePleas · 27/07/2024 19:25

Hi OP,
I know this is an old thread, but I wanted to know how are you feeling now?
What good things have happened to you this year?
what positive changes and self love have you tried?
I really hope you’re in a better place and wish you well. Mental health is hard without having stuff happen
no one else else needs to love you, you are worthy all on your own- you are loved by yourself .
xx

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 27/07/2024 19:40

I'm sorry it's been so tough OP. You have had a rough ride for sure and those childhood experiences really do echo throughout your whole life.
It's not the same but my sister was ill who I cared for for years and then she died when she was 21. I then was over the moon to learn I was pregnant and my little boy had a rare condition called Patau Syndrome and he passed away as well. After my son died I was in a dark place I couldn't pull myself out of for a long time. I was there after my sister but it was deeper this time, I honestly felt like life wasn't worth living anymore. I'm lucky to have my amazing DH who never gave up on me but I just wanted to say I can relate to that dark dark place.
Honestly, I went and found stuff I love. Stuff I didn't ever think I'd love. I love a good horror movie so my DH got me a simple mechanics horror game for playstation and found i loved gaming. I ended up being put down for (under duress) a football match for charity and now I've found I love football. I'm not that good but I love it so I play for a womens team now. I also work for a charity as a volunteer for families impacted by my sons condition just supporting other parents who get the diagnosis and I love that as it makes me feel close to him.
Some parts of life are so shit, and some people have a rough ride while others seem to float on through but I genuinely believe you need to find what you love and be open minded to it - it might be something you never imagined would be for you. I've built a life for myself I genuinely enjoy and I feel happy again which I never thought would be possible a few years ago.
I'm here for a message and I truly hope you find peace and happiness.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 27/07/2024 19:42

Sorry I've just realised this is an old thread too but I mean it when I said I'm here for a message OP.

Sarahzb · 28/07/2024 01:14

You have to find love to love yourself. You do matter. Find something that can calm you
Me, I love a tree. I know it sounds stupid but being by the water or trees is lovely.ff
Treat yourself gently as you would do to someone in distress

savethatkitty · 28/07/2024 01:29

Wow my heart hurts for you.

Find a good therapist/counsellor to help you wade through this.

There is more to life

mouseyowl · 28/07/2024 14:43

@Mooshamoo how are you?

MissPeaches · 28/07/2024 15:17

SomersetDreams · 14/04/2023 14:41

The truth is...the drugs dont work. Its best to find joy in nature or walks. Swimming is the one that helps me. You can join a groupor not but the key thing is to get out of your own head. Have a chat with a stranger even if you dont feel like it. look around there are a lot of people worse off maybe help someone out and it will be a distraction and you will realise how lucky you are in some ways.

I wish you peace and joy in finding the life you love x

You must be very accomplished to have made such a definitive determination about the efficacy of anti-depressant medication. Was it difficult to build the scientific evidence, publish studies, etc.? I’d love to see links to your work if you don’t mind sharing.

mouseyowl · 29/07/2024 10:15

@MissPeaches I thought that was a reference to Marilyn getting smashed all the time to deal with her pain? Eg the 'recreational' drugs don't work? (Verve song from the 90s/2000s)

Dancingqueen18 · 29/07/2024 10:25

I am so sorry to read this OP. Life can feel so unfair for many. If it's any consolation even those who appear to have had it easy, loving relationships, plenty of money etc ofen feel what's it all about. They can suffer from anxiety & depression for different reasons. Have you ever thought about volunteering for example in a local charity shop. I often feel the more I do for others the better I feel about myself. When people appreciate you for what you give in life the love often comes back to you in spades ❤️

Dancingqueen18 · 29/07/2024 11:56

Dancingqueen18 · 29/07/2024 10:25

I am so sorry to read this OP. Life can feel so unfair for many. If it's any consolation even those who appear to have had it easy, loving relationships, plenty of money etc ofen feel what's it all about. They can suffer from anxiety & depression for different reasons. Have you ever thought about volunteering for example in a local charity shop. I often feel the more I do for others the better I feel about myself. When people appreciate you for what you give in life the love often comes back to you in spades ❤️

Excuse typos, too late to edit 👍

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