I don't know if I'm losing my mind!?
I'll try to be as concise as possible without writing an essay.
My daughter is 4 and I've been seperated from her dad for 18 months, divorce is almost finalised. He lives with his parents and is on dialysis 3 evenings a week. He's had my total understanding and empathy since day one and I've offered multiple solutions and help along the way (a flat, help with college, lump sum from divorce, flexibility with childcare etc). All of my help has either been unappreciated or refused and I'm always the one with the problem.
I believe he has mental health problems in the way of personality disorder and/or narcissistic traits and I've often been left thinking it is me with the problem but then I read back on all the messages and emails and is always contradicting himself, changing the goal posts, denying he has said things and then always attacking and blaming me.
I communicate with him without much emotion, never react to his abuse and just generally try to keep things civil. He turns up unannounced, sits outside the house, calls alot or texts me random statements when he is with daughter, basically always trying to get a response or to keep communication going. I just ignore but I'm on edge.
I offered him to see daughter whenever he wanted at first, whatever worked for him due to his hospital commitments and its been a battle due to his parents (so he says) originally refused to have her stay there. When I said okay it can't happen then he changed tune and she was allowed to stay. Then there was an issue with her staying a Friday night because he goes to dialysis and apparently his parents were unable to assist with bedtime while he was gone. Again, this story was washed out when later in time they were able to have her without concern. It's been successfully 2 nights but now for some reason it can't continue. It's 2 Fridays a month!!!!
I offered for him to have her a day in the week every other week but this wasn't working because he wanted me to meet half way and pay for petrol (I work full time he doesn't) Petrol and distance always comes up, he's 35 mins away. He has no financial commitments and doesn't pay maintenance.
So for the last couple of months it's been every other weekend Sat to Monday but I'm having to meet him and there is always an issue. I can't do it anymore. He cancels her nursery on Monday and never wants to have her in the week if we have something planned on a said weekend. I'm always flexible but he just says no to everything. He won't support a school application but doesn't give valid reasons why. He is rather spiteful most of the time and I just want a resolution.
I am about to instruct a solicitor to formalise arrangements before going to court (am hoping we don't have to). My plan is for him to collect from nursery on a Thursday evening (she can have Fri off) or a Friday afternoon then drop to nursery Monday morning. Every other weekend. I do not want to be involved with the process. Once she starts school (I am hoping for Steiner), she will only attend 3 or maybe 4 days a week so he picks a day in the week to collect and drop and every other weekend. Half terms will be split as fair as is possible. He will need support from his parents to accommodate this. Am I being unreasonable?
I don't have any family, I am on my own with no support at all. I work full time but for myself so flexible to a degree. I want daughter to have good relationship with her paternal family and I also need a rest. I won't be asking for maintenance either.
I am doubting myself all the time thinking I should just let him do the minimums but that just leaves me feeling like crap that he has a couple of fun days a month and I get all the abuse. I need something formal so he cannot keep changing his mind.
What prompted me to write this was his accusation of my using daughter as pawn because I said if he is unable to stick to the plan (Friday to Monday without me involved) then we will need to wait until lawyer has been instructed.
As I said in the post, I've always said he can see daughter whenever but due to his volatile moods this cannot be as flexible as before hence the revised contact.
I feel the more you give to this sort of person and the more you try the worse it becomes. Have I done this?
Sorry for long post xx