I was both saddened and empowered reading the experiences of other women within the family court system and exposing the reality we face. Leaving my abusive ex remains one of the best decisions of my life. I’m the happiest I’ve been and have created a life for the children away from my abusive ex the majority of the time.
With that said, I had no idea what was to come on the other side. It has been over two years post separation and I have sadly learned a huge amount about the different types of abuse and the forms they take. Unfortunately fleeing domestic abuse is only the beginning and the abusive partner seeks to further the abuse using different tactics.
This is my experience and perception, and I understand that not everyone’s experiences will be the same. I think it is helpful for those at any stage of leaving an abuser to feel validated about their experiences and also informed of how these tactics may demonstrate themselves. I hope it helps with the isolation and confusion when dealing with an abusive ex.
Post separation abuse:
Smear campaign: Spreading lies and misinformation in order to separate you from your support network and tarnish your character.
Accusations: Malicious claims to social services, claims you are mentally ill, a bad mother.
Emotional abuse: Ill treatment of the children in order to cause further harm to you.
Financial abuse: Withholding finances, refusing child maintenance or providing false information to lower payments. Using the courts to financially drain resources. Refusing to contribute towards marital debts making the other person liable. Withholding belongings forcing you to replace items such as clothes, shoes etc.
Family court: Using the court system to further abuse by gaining control and lying throughout proceedings resulting in an unfair outcome. Manipulating Cafcass and judges, resulting in further gaslighting and abuse.
‘Coparenting’ (counter parenting): Misinterpreting the court order, lacking flexibility and overall not child focused.
I would encourage you, if you can relate to any of this to seek support from friends, family or support groups with women in similar situations. It doesn’t change the reality but it means you can manage this behaviour alongside living your new life in freedom. I very much have to compartmentalise the constant drama with my abusive ex in order to live the life I left for.
Take each stage as it comes. Practice self care, self love and on the goals and future you have for you (and your children).