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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"Separated" but refusing to move out?

16 replies

HaroldTheStallion · 14/04/2023 06:48

My sister has been seeing a man for 6 months who she met online and has been asking my opinion on the situation. He spends every weekend with her then goes back home during the week. He claims to be "separated" but he lives in a 3 bedroom house with his wife and their two adult children. He says he's been separated for 6 years since both he and his wife had affairs. But he claims he doesn't want to leave the family home because he doesn't want to lose the house in a divorce. He doesn't earn a very high salary and his wife doesn't work at all.

AIBU to think this guy is not separated, he's basically just cheating on his wife with my sister, and if he hasn't left after 6 years he's never going to? What could he be telling his wife so that he can spend weekends, holidays, etc with my sister? If he wants to leave his wife shouldn't they sell the house, split the proceeds in half, and he can move into a flat?

OP posts:

tuttifritti · 14/04/2023 07:01

Not completely unrealistic that they have split but how depressing to be there 6 years on. Legally, it is tricky to force a sale after you've moved out but since he hasn't forced a sale in six years, I guess he isn't going to before the kids come of age. Also, why is he doing non parenting at the weekend?

All this does not bode well for his drive and values. Would get rid either way to be honest.

tuttifritti · 14/04/2023 07:02

Sorry, just seen that the kids are adults. Tell your sister to run for the hills!

DustyLee123 · 14/04/2023 07:02

So he’s just using her because he either is lying, or he doesn’t really want to be with her. I’d dump and run.

silverlentils · 14/04/2023 07:10

He has the life he wants, his familiar house instead of a flat, someone in it to share the bills and who he presumably still gets along with, and he gets romance and sex at the weekends.

Doesn't sound a bad life at all, to be honest!

It is unlikely he will leave this perfect set up that he knows works, for a newer relationship that may or may not work out. Not for a very long time anyway and unless his ex met someone and wanted to sell.

I think he probably is separated but the situation is unlikely to change

gogohmm · 14/04/2023 07:16

It was 8 months before exh moved out but we had a larger house so a couple of spare rooms he could use as a bedroom and also an office/lounge space

AdeIe · 14/04/2023 07:30

Well he could be telling the truth and he doesnt have to sell the house and move into a flat because you think he should! But whether I'd want to date someone living in this situation is a complete other story.

Brieandme · 14/04/2023 07:38

If it's true, then both of them would be aware of how it would look to potential new partners and would be happy to confirm, surely?
Has your sister asked to speak to the ex?

NB regardless though, she'd have to decide if she could live with that situation - can't say id like it!

Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes · 14/04/2023 07:39

Try to get your sister to raise her bar. This guy sounds like a joke.

GrumpyPanda · 14/04/2023 07:55

If it were true, they'd be financially and organizationally separated. So what is the wife living on if she doesn't work?

doozledog · 14/04/2023 08:01

My husband told this sob story to the woman he was having an affair with.

redbigbananafeet · 14/04/2023 08:03

Your sister should ask to meet the wife at their family home to discuss this. Also ask him what his long term plans are, when would he plan to move out? He'll run a mile.

Original poster

HaroldTheStallion · 14/04/2023 13:19

There is no way he would agree for my sister to meet the wife. He also mentioned to my sister that his wife despises him, and his daughter doesn't really speak to him either. It's not looking good, is it?

OP posts:

Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes · 14/04/2023 13:21

HaroldTheStallion · 14/04/2023 13:19

Is your sister normally trusting and with low self-esteem?

Is she likely to side with him if you voice your concern?

Original poster

HaroldTheStallion · 14/04/2023 14:59

She does have low self esteem and has had some difficulties with her mental health. I've gently voiced my concern and she's concerned also. However she really likes this guy which is a feeling she doesn't have often- in fact she says she loves him. I'm very worried she's going to get badly hurt thereby prompting a mental health crisis and the purpose of this thread was to see if there was any hope this situation could be taken at face value and he could be trusted. Sadly I just don't think there is.

OP posts:

Pixiedust1234 · 14/04/2023 15:05

It is entirely possible that both could live there until divorced. So that part is true.

But six years?? Why has neither side started the sale of the home or the divorce? What future can this man offer your sister if they get serious? I assume he would fly over to your sisters house and make a nest there using her money...

Talk to your sister about cocklodgers would be my advice.

pinkyredrose · 14/04/2023 15:08

Do some digging on social media.

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