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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not be keen on my brothers girlfriend ?

21 replies

nutcracker · 14/02/2008 22:14

Not sure where to start really. I am trying really hard to like her but have sat here tonight thinking how, as hard as I try, I just don't.

Basically I think she is very immature and also doesn't seem to realise that I am their mum and that in certain instances she should probably check with me first before giving my kids permission to do things.

For example, tonight ds had a huge tantrum whilst playing with dd1 on the wii. He hit her several times and so I took him off it and because he was having such a big tantrum I had to hold him still. I think he was tired, plus he had been with my brother and his gf for alot of the day and I don't know what he'd eaten.
Anyway, once I let him go, he was still crying and so she took him over to the cupboard where i keep his DS and got it out and gave it to him, saying 'here you go, that will calm you down'.

Ds's playing of his DS and other computer games has to be strictly limited as he gets too involved and can then lose his temper with the game easily. Brothers girlfriend knows this and also knows that he is only allowed on it with my say so. As it was he had already had his hour today.

Also, if I give the kids something to eat or am asking them to do something, she will sit there saying to them, 'now eat it all otherwise you can't do this that and the other', or 'if you don't do it, you can't go here etc'.
She does this whilst I am there, and after already hearing what I have said to them.

She has literally known them for a couple of months (technically the dd's have known her since they were babies but not seen her for years) and I just think she is being too overbearing with them and doesn't seem to care that actually I am their mother and she should perhaps run things by me first.

I don't want to say anything to my brother because he is desperate for everyone to get along, but god she is irritating me.

Not sure if I abu or not, perhaps I am.

OP posts:

NoBiggy · 14/02/2008 22:16

She needs some boundaries. It would piss me off big style. YANBU.

Original poster

nutcracker · 14/02/2008 22:16

Ooops, kinda repaeated myself a bit there.

It's not just because I don't like other people disciplining my kids either, because I am fine with that, my mum does, as does my dad, brother etc, but they would all, always say 'ask your mum first', before doing most things with them.

OP posts:

WelliesAndPyjamas · 14/02/2008 22:18

could a long shot but is she trying to prove she has the makings of a good mum in front of her BF and his family?

WelliesAndPyjamas · 14/02/2008 22:19

(could could be)

OverMyDeadBody · 14/02/2008 22:19

I don't think you ABU, if I was in your position, I'd say something to her. I have said things to people who have said things to my DS about eating, like "eat it all up" or when he says he's finished trying to encourage or coerce him into eating more. Once I have explained to friends why I don't say these things they have always understood and respected my parenting choices. You really do need to talk to her.

Original poster

nutcracker · 14/02/2008 22:19

Yes thats it, she doesn't seem to think that there are any boundries.

As I said, she is very immature imo. She is 25, but seems no different to when I knew her 6 years ago.

Whenever she comes over she gets my kids all wound up and doesn't seem to know when to stop. I am all for my kids having fun and they do like her, but she goes too far.

OP posts:

WiiMii · 14/02/2008 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

nutcracker · 14/02/2008 22:20

That could be it Wellie, plus I know she has a friend with a young baby, and I think she is probably used to having a bigger part in his life, and so thinks it is normal to be like that here if that makes sense.

OP posts:

MommaPoshBird · 14/02/2008 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PotPourri · 14/02/2008 22:21

Not unreasonable. But I understand how tricky these situations can be to deal with. You do need to take a strong hand on things that you strongly object to - e.g. the DS thing, just go over and take it off him as soon as she has given it and explain that he is not getting that either as a result of his behaviour with the Wii. And taking an active role in engaging him in something different (e.t. dishes or something ) will take him out of her way.

I think on the food thing, you shoudl just say firmly 'we don't do that in this house...' or something along those lines. I need to do that with my parents who obsess about my kids clearing their plates and bring out all the threats about pudding. I explain calmly that in this house we eat as much as we want. But grandad is right, you don't get something more if you weren't hungry enough to eat all your dinner. Note - they still do it, but at least the kids know the boundaries that exist (when I am there). The grandparents I am sure do exactly as they please when I am not there....

WiiMii · 14/02/2008 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WallOfSilence · 14/02/2008 22:23

I would have to say something.

Though it would maybe be along the lines of "Would you ever fuck off & mind your own business"

Maybe someone with a better idea will be along soon!

Original poster

nutcracker · 14/02/2008 22:23

The problem is, their is history. She went out with my brother before, and it ended badly, she cheated and my brother was distraught and went missing for a few days.

I will admitt that no one was hapy to see them get back together, but everyone has given her the benefit of the doubt and been nothing more than welcoming to her, and treated her as any other member of the family.

If I bring this up i think my brother will think it is just beacause I don't like her.
If he tells her I have a problem with her, she will blow it all up out of proportion and it will cause major probs for them, and I don't want my brother to get upset about it.

OP posts:

WiiMii · 14/02/2008 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PotPourri · 14/02/2008 22:26

Well, you will have to deal with it yourself then. If she is disciplining them when you are there, you need to 'take over' the disciplining. And make sure you do the same with your brother - to show that you are not picking on her. TBH, your main concern here is the kids and their boundaries. the fact that you don't like her is not really that relevant - well if you make it that way, then if your brother challenges you, you can safely say that it is nothing to do with her per se, it is just that you need to be the boss while you are there...

OverMyDeadBody · 14/02/2008 22:28

How about making a list of house rules like time allowed on DS, eating, boundaries etc. and just show it to your broter and gf next time they are over, and mention casually that it would be a real help to you if they help enforce these rules with the children, and if they are unsure to check with you first? This may solve the problem of not wanting her to see it as a personal attack or stepping on anyone's toes?

Original poster

nutcracker · 14/02/2008 22:28

Oh I do continue to discipline them even after she hs said something.
When she stood over ds eating the other day, telling him he had to eat it all else he wouldn't go to the park, I got up, looked at his plate and said 'actually harry you have done really well, off you go'

I didn't challenge the DS giving today because I was in the middle of trying to sort a problem with my mum out and I know it would have set Ds off again.

OP posts:

Original poster

nutcracker · 14/02/2008 22:30

I do find it a bit odd that my brother never says anything to her tbh.

He knows what my parenting style is like, and it isn't to stand over them until they clear their plate.

Anyway, you are right, I will just have to make my own rules better known and overrule her where possible if what she says isn't to my liking.

OP posts:

branflake81 · 15/02/2008 09:53

I can see why you're a bit pissed off but I don't think she's doing anything majorly wrong. If anything it's nice that she's getting involved and trying to play a part in family life.

Buda · 15/02/2008 10:04

She is trying to be Miss Populare - wants the children to think she is cool and wants the adults to think she is a good potential Mum.

With the DS - I would have taken it off him and said "you have already had your time today and you have been taken away from the Wii because of your behaviour. Go and sit quietly or get a book.

theowlwhowasafraidofthedark · 15/02/2008 10:09

I think you're maybe being a little harsh. She doesn't have kids so probably doesn't appreciate the importance of consistency etc. You risk causing a big family row if you bring it up. Maybe you could mention to you brother about the food you'd prefer ds not to eat.
It seems nice of them to be so interested in him though?

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