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Original poster

Having a second child

21 replies

Emotionalstorm · 13/04/2023 23:23

I've been discussing having another child with my husband. He really wants a second child but I am undecided.

What were the main factors that tipped the scales for you re having a second child?

OP posts:
chachachive · 13/04/2023 23:30

What is making you hesitate?

Original poster
Emotionalstorm · 13/04/2023 23:33

chachachive · 13/04/2023 23:30

What is making you hesitate?

I would not be able to give as much attention to my daughter. The initial stress and sleepless nights. The fact that I'm already working part time to spend more time with my daughter and might need to step down if I don't want to be an absent stressed out parent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emotionalstorm · 13/04/2023 23:34

Also whether my daughter will accept a younger sibling. She is bossy and stubborn.

OP posts:
chachachive · 13/04/2023 23:36

Those are all more than reasonable arguments to stop at one. How old is your daughter @Emotionalstorm

Only have another if you want another, though that might sound obvious! Don’t do it for hopes they will have a sibling as they might not get on anyway and there’s so many variables. It sounds like a second would affect you and not for the better. On the other hand I’m sure you would never regret it when they are here.

Deathbyfluffy · 13/04/2023 23:39

Can you afford another? In the current climate that would be a big factor for me

BreviloquentBastard · 13/04/2023 23:48

I had lots of back and forth about having #2, with a whole list of reasons for and against. There was actually one event that tipped the scales and decided it for me - I stayed up for three nights in a row with a very sick 8yo daughter and remembered exactly how bad the sleep deprivation was in the early years. Just 3 nights was torture and it can be months when they're little. YEARS if you're really unlucky. Realised I just didn't want to go through all that again and was happy to have just her.

Tubes tied within 6 months, one and done and so happy with my little family.

No one can tell you what's right for you of course, but I haven't regretted only having one a single time since I made the choice.

chachachive · 13/04/2023 23:51

Ah yes I agree with @Deathbyfluffy

We aren’t at the stage where we have to make a definitive choice yet but we might well just have one for this reason. It’s not just financially supporting childhood which can be done cheaply, but I’d want to try and help them buy a house, go to uni, learn to drive etc when the time comes cause the world can be difficult without that support. I suppose it’s working out if that matters to you and if so then by how many times can you afford to give that support?

Original poster
Emotionalstorm · 13/04/2023 23:58

chachachive · 13/04/2023 23:36

Those are all more than reasonable arguments to stop at one. How old is your daughter @Emotionalstorm

Only have another if you want another, though that might sound obvious! Don’t do it for hopes they will have a sibling as they might not get on anyway and there’s so many variables. It sounds like a second would affect you and not for the better. On the other hand I’m sure you would never regret it when they are here.

Yes that's the main reason I'm considering having another, so that my daughter will not grow up alone. She's only three but she's not interested in having a sibling at all. She also likes structure and rules and doesn't like compromising. A sibling will either be a very good thing for her or there will be WW3.

OP posts:
HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 14/04/2023 00:00

Yes that's the main reason I'm considering having another, so that my daughter will not grow up alone.

My sibling was the main source of misery in my childhood.

Original poster
Emotionalstorm · 14/04/2023 00:02

BreviloquentBastard · 13/04/2023 23:48

I had lots of back and forth about having #2, with a whole list of reasons for and against. There was actually one event that tipped the scales and decided it for me - I stayed up for three nights in a row with a very sick 8yo daughter and remembered exactly how bad the sleep deprivation was in the early years. Just 3 nights was torture and it can be months when they're little. YEARS if you're really unlucky. Realised I just didn't want to go through all that again and was happy to have just her.

Tubes tied within 6 months, one and done and so happy with my little family.

No one can tell you what's right for you of course, but I haven't regretted only having one a single time since I made the choice.

This is also my main fear. I had a really hard time when my daughter was newborn and I was in tears on most days. She slept very little and cluster fed (ate small amounts and woke up every hour to feed) so there were days where I hardly got any sleep at all. She was also very demanding and had a bit of a temper (even as a new born). I'm pretty happy with one kid and would only be doing it to keep my husband happy and to give my daughter a playmate. It wouldn't be for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emotionalstorm · 14/04/2023 00:05

chachachive · 13/04/2023 23:51

Ah yes I agree with @Deathbyfluffy

We aren’t at the stage where we have to make a definitive choice yet but we might well just have one for this reason. It’s not just financially supporting childhood which can be done cheaply, but I’d want to try and help them buy a house, go to uni, learn to drive etc when the time comes cause the world can be difficult without that support. I suppose it’s working out if that matters to you and if so then by how many times can you afford to give that support?

I can support two. Of course just stopping at one would make the only child more privileged as the pot wouldn't have to be divided.

OP posts:
Cantcookhavetocook · 14/04/2023 00:18

I could have written your post about your daughter as a newborn (including being in tears most days) and I now have a second baby who is 4 months old and no easier in terms of temperament. Daughter has just turned 3. I’m not going to lie, it is HARD, but actually despite being bossy and always centre of attention before he was born, my daughter truly loves her little brother and that part of it is just so lovely. I couldn’t have imagined her loving him so much, in fact when people used to say similar about older siblings of new babies I always thought they were exaggerating, but no there is genuine love there. I can completely envision them having a gorgeous bond when they get older and us being a really happy, well-balanced family of four. And even on the hardest days (I admit I am in tears a fair bit, just like the first time), I actually never ever regret it. There is a definite sense of gritting my teeth and ‘getting through’ this hard early stage, so I guess it’s just whether you have it in you to do that. I doubt whether I can do it myself sometimes, but in reality it is going really quickly. I do lean on my husband a lot though, depends if yours is available to pitch in at the start.

NewNormalLife · 14/04/2023 00:19

I'm in the thick of it with DS atm and yes it's difficult doing having a newborn again but he is a much more calm baby than DD, 3, was and its easier to be more chilled than I felt the first time round. Yes it can also be hard looking after the two of them together and no doubt they'll probably fight a bit as they grow up but the love they have for eachother is so precious and worth it every single time. both of them are happier with each9ther than anyone else and give eachother the biggest smiles. it's amazing to watch DD be such a caring sister and the adoration he has for her is unreal. I hope they stay close as they grow up. for me I think its up to the parents to encourage this and make each child feel valued to discourage rivalry. lots of one on one time from each parent and encourage teamwork values.

Mammyloveswine · 14/04/2023 00:24

Emotionalstorm · 13/04/2023 23:23

I've been discussing having another child with my husband. He really wants a second child but I am undecided.

What were the main factors that tipped the scales for you re having a second child?

I got pregnant... not trying! Ds1 was 14 months old.,

SausageinaBun · 14/04/2023 00:36

I realised that the only way I'd stop wondering whether or not to have a second was to just get on with it and have one.

justjuggling · 14/04/2023 01:17

I’d always seen myself with two children and my DD1 was desperate for a sibling. Conceiving was a challenge and DD2 was a result of IVF. If I had known I would be a single parent within 4 years the decision would have been different. However, my DDs are the best of friends, and watching their relationship develop and deepen over the years has been one of my greatest joys.

Merrow · 14/04/2023 02:11

Honestly, I wanted one. On paper it feels like there's very few solid reasons to have a second child as all the good bits of having a sibling aren't guaranteed, so I think it probably comes down to the feelings of the person that wants one. DP was on the fence and happy to leave the decision to me, and I had a visceral desire for one. I think I would have been ok if it didn't work out, but I think if we had made a decision not to try that would have been a much bigger thing for me to get over.

DS2 is only 4 weeks old so I've no idea if him and DS1 will have the bond I'd love them to have. And the newborn stage is undoubtedly hard.

Phoebo · 14/04/2023 02:18

Emotionalstorm · 13/04/2023 23:58

Yes that's the main reason I'm considering having another, so that my daughter will not grow up alone. She's only three but she's not interested in having a sibling at all. She also likes structure and rules and doesn't like compromising. A sibling will either be a very good thing for her or there will be WW3.

Show quote history

This really doesn't sound like a good reason to have a second and very risky if it doesn't work out. Your reasons for not having a second, seem to outweigh your reason for having a second quite significantly

Frezia · 14/04/2023 02:54

For us it was realising that years from now we were much more likely to regret not having that second child than having one too many. That it's just somehow wired in us. Ironically we felt

DS2 is here now, we absolutely love him and wouldn't change a thing. But I'll be honest, although we expected life to become harder and more expensive, I still feel blindsided by just how much it did. Most of the things that were big issues the first time around - sleeping, feeding etc. were significantly easier with the second, mostly because we weren't intimidated by them anymore and also we couldn't afford the time to fixate on them. But I feel like our finances have taken more of a hit this time. And unless you have grandparents or other family members involved on a regular basis, you are stretched pretty thin between the two of you.

DS1 never asked for a sibling either but he adjusted pretty well. 18 months on he is still adjusting but they do have a bond and it's growing stronger by the day.

Frezia · 14/04/2023 02:56

Lost a bit of my first paragraph! That was supposed to say: Ironically we felt more of a biological imperative with the second than the first, but only became aware of it once we made the decision.

ving · 14/04/2023 08:37

I wouldn't base your decision on having a second on your daughter's current character- she's 3! aren't most 3yr olds bossy and strong willed?

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