Socialising outside of work etiquette

[pinkfishbluefish]

If you more frequently DON’T go than do, is it rude? Would you silently judge a colleague for this?

I like to keep my circle small. Recently moved teams along with another and my new team often go out for drinks after work or lunch together. Sometimes the invite is extended to other departments so lots of people end up going, other times it’s only a handful of folk. I’ve only gone along twice. Sometimes am asked if I am going and feel the need to make up a reason why not on the spot and that can be awkward. I have got other responsibilities and I’m trying to save, but more importantly I just don’t particularly want to. I like my colleagues they’re great people but I like to keep work as work.

YABU= would judge a colleague for often turning them down
YANBU= totally fine to miss these events

I think it depends on your goals. The unfortunate reality is if you want to climb the corporate ladder you have to play the game.

Personally, I can’t be bothered. My priorities are outside of work and I couldn’t care less what anyone thinks of that.

I think it’s probably good to go to the occasional one as your team is new. But I wouldn’t feel obliged or guilty and perhaps it would be good to go to just drinks and say- “oh I’ll just get my own drinks/tab and not go in the round, saving for a house deposit/new car/cruise/unicorn” be very chatty and sociable and leave after an hour.

I agree it’s good to show face at a few but I avoid most of them! Big group settings aren’t my fave and also I cba talking to these people 😂

Nobody should feel compelled to go to work socials, but on the flip side I tend to find that some people who make no effort on the easy stuff occasionally also tend to be the ones who complain that they're not in the loop/other colleagues get on better.

I'd go to the easy ones occasionally, such as lunch, and then not go to the rest.

That’s a fair point. I can’t see myself doing bowling as suggested but I’m sure lunch might be alright.

I know what you mean OP. My colleagues are lovely people but I don’t need any more friends. I’d rather go home and spend time with my family or go out with non-work friends than go drinking with people I’ve already spent 7+ hours with.

I used to love a works night out and went to everything until DC came along. Haven't gone to very much at all over the last 20 years, but am starting to join in again now. I've never felt the need to justify.

It depends on the culture where you work really.

In my first job, decades ago, there were lots of social events, but it was only a core of people who used to go. That was fine. No pressure at all.

Since then, I've only worked in places where you go out with colleagues at Christmas and possible at one other time of year. So if you don't go (planned well in advance) I'd judge you a bit more then, but still couldn't get worked up about it.

My current job, the people that organise the socials tend to like to make it a "BIG night out" which costs £££ and is rarely my sort of evening, so I just don't go now. Everyone is fine with me, and the others that aren't really in to that sort of night.

Other places there might be more of an expectation in terms of "bonding".

I rarely go out for drinks after work. I usually need a bit of decompression time, plus I'm in my work clothes n feel grubby and am hungry.
When I worked as a labourer or in a factory it didn't bother me being scruffy but now I'd feel I had the wrong clothes on.
I wouldn't hold anything against anyone who rarely came.

I usually try to go to the big things even though I hate them but after a horrendous Christmas do last year I won't go again.

I've always hated these types of things and spent a lot of time making excuses when I was much younger. Now I just don't go, it's never held me back career wise and I've always got any promotion I've gone for. I see enough of them at work, why on earth would I want to spend my limited free time with them as well? Lovely as they are, it's quite exhausting and I like quiet time after a day at work

No issues with turning things down. What's annoying is when people agree to come and then drop out at the last minute.

I am selective when I choose to go. Leaving drinks for a valued colleague for example, not someone who I worked with occasionally on a project five years ago.

One of the benefits of working from home at least part of the time is there are fewer such events. I work with a team of people whose professionalism and desire to do a good job I regard highly, but they are excellent colleagues not friends.

I also used to go to the easy ones or the very big ones and make a point about visably enjoying myself. That way (in my head) when I decline all the others, people might think it's because I genuinely cannot go. Even though it's mostly because I cannot be bothered to

That said, I WFH permanently now so I decline far more than I accept. One later this year is a day out helping a charity that is very close to my heart, so I shall make the effort for that.

My dh goes if it's bowling about once a month because he likes to do that, and he's quite good too, he will go to occasional lunches with his team but he does not do the regular Friday night meal and clubbing. He says it's mainly younger ones who do that. He thinks it's important not to be seen as anti social. He goes to big work occasions where he works a Summer meal and a Xmas meal.

I hate it, but I'm quite senior already so I have no concerns about it impacting my progression. A colleague recently asked why I don't attend and a few encourage me to go along, but I don't want other people dictating my free time. I find it really odd that they're so keen to hang out outside of work and I wonder whether they just don't have any other friends. I know I sound a bit miserable but I can't imagine wanting to socialise with my colleagues!

So yes, I do feel you're judged for not going. It's down to you whether that bothers you or not.

I dont go to any unless I'm paid/on the clock. We have "social days" during work hours, but I will leave before the evening do if there is one, I'm not staying on a second longer if not being paid. I'm one of the longest serving staff members and nothing has ever been said/never held me back.

It is good to show your face at a few of them, pick the ones you are comfortable with and make sense to you.

but don’t feel you need to give a reason if you can’t/don’t want to go. Just say you cannot make it..

I go occasionally if I'm travelling and it's on expenses but usually even I am away from home my time is my time and I don't want to spend it with my colleagues. Most of them are pretty awful and those I like I wouldn't be friends with even though they're nice to work with.