Can't ever see beyond themselves, think they are amazing and talk at us.

[PilshardPillToSwallow]

So yes if any eagle eyed mumsnet people think I have posted about them before.

Yes!! Over 16 years many many times.
I've name changed because I do not want my old threads to be leaked or outed or linked.

Basically, I really struggle with them on so many fronts. We've manged to cut down contact a great deal over the years but it's the way they come at things that drives me mad.

They see themselves strangely as hugely successful but also as poor.. They always talk at us eg when we went on holiday fil would say " well if you had a good job they would have paid for that trip".
Or "successful people would do x". When family friends visit and ask dh how he is fil will actually sigh and put an arm around him in a condescending way... "he's got issues".

Dh has never been allowed to feel like their home is his home. When I met him years ago he was still living at home and where as with my dp he could come and go freely when we were "courting"... My presence was a huge deal to them. Fil used to have words with him on many occasions about small indiscretions that just wouldn't even register in my family.

During covid it was so wonderful not to have any pressure to see them and our youngest dc has been hospitalised with breathing issues.
They didn't think about her at all and she was I would say the youngest and most vulnerable member of our family.
And yet it was all about them, we havant had our jabs yet so don't call around. We are now ok we can't catch it from you....

How does anyone deal with people who just won't ever see the other side! I can't bear them!! One day I think I will literally explode!

I don't have a great deal of advice but this sounds like my MIL. Only ever talks about herself and her and her kids achievements . Can't get a word in edgeways. No one else has ever done anything of value, she'll never apologise for anything, it's impossible to disagree with her as she's like a petulant child. She is always right.
After 10 years it pissed me off no end then something clicked. I'm low contact now. I see her once every fortnight for a couple of hours. Sweet relief.
Can you cut contact further? Some people will never change and it's no use getting yourself worked up over them.

@reddwarfgeek once every fortnight!
We see them every few months and Mil sheds a tear.
Fil says to my dc "isn't she amazing?".

Just a little bump in case anyone has any tips today.

If you are only seeing them once every few months try not to let them bother you to much. Nod along and know that they are the ones who loose out really. They don't have close relationships and their son doesn't want to see them. Surely it's their son that needs to stand up to them? What does he think?

Chez I think over all he's sad they don't support him emotionally...

But because he's used to it he also doesnt quite get how bad they are.

If it makes you feel any better my ILs are the same, bordering on narcissts. They constantly talk about their other SIL who is a 45 year old rude petulant child.
After many years of making an effort for which I am very sad to have wasted all that effort I now assert myself. If they keep mentioning Johnny I say what was (my husband name) like, when he was a kid etc and if you keep getting the same behaviour, keep repeating yourself like training a puppy! 🐶
Good luck xxx

@WorkHardPlayHard1

Maybe it is narrcasism?
If I asked what dh was like they only talk about the most banal things. It's bizzare. It's like fil talks on a different plane entirely so it's hard to engage in any conversation in that way.
Mil just slaps everything down with a miserable sigh comment.

My in laws drive me nuts! Nothing else to say really!

(Just crossing my fingers I won't be a nightmare MIL for my own children in laws, in the future )

I don’t think my PIL have ever asked me (or DH their son) a question about ourselves. DH sometimes manages to get in a word across their monologue but I haven’t bothered for 20 years. Entire days with me contributing nothing more than “mmm” and “gosh” and “did he”.

Here’s the thing - you can’t change them. Every minute you spend wishing you could is a minute wasted.

It's painful isn't it.
I am super I think people who are aware won't be like this when it's their turn!
Qwerty, I've been around lots of older people who are lonely and talk about themselves.
With my pils it's the superior aspect that riles me! I could just about cope with stories of Jane next door but it's the constant undermining and teaching us I bear.

Acceptance is key here. That you can't change them, can't control their behaviour and can only buffer yourselves from letting it pierce your skin. You need to metaphorically coat yourself with teflon before you visit!

DH's stepmother was possibly the most unkind woman I've ever had the misfortune to meet. Our children were apparently the poorest behaved children on the planet; I was a terrible mother for allowing it and needed to smarten myself up.... the poison darts were launched at you from arrival to departure. I used to just smile and never once let her know that she'd got to me. The relief when FIL rang to say she'd died was overwhelming... and he later admitted that he'd been unhappy for well over 20 years as she'd isolated him from everyone and everything. I was then so glad that we'd made the effort to stay in contact even though it was horrendous at the time.

@Bluebells1970

Poison darts, yes it's exactly that.
I don't feel sorry for fil because I think he's just as bad however I think either of them without the other would be more tolerable.
If I was absolutely awful to my dcs partners and my dc I would accept that I will either have no relationship with them or i would apologies or hope dh would make me.

I have been with my husband for 21 years. He is one of 5. I used to find the get togethers very stressful. The constant texts from his sister micromanaging every aspect of everything. Then I realised that actually I just didn't really need to give a shit about them. The get together happens whether I engage with the texts beforehand or not. I leave it to my husband to sort it all out and just turn up. I smile and nod and observe from the sidelines. We take a picnic if that's what's happening and ,as there are generally at least 10 at any event, I talk to the people I really like. Otherwise I get let the weirdness ( and the 25 minute conversation about taking coats/ not taking coats/ carrying / not carrying picnics. Going to the toilet / not going yet to wash over me). You can't change people. Just keep saying in your head ' I don't care ' whilst smiling and nodding. I only see them 2x a year.

It's a head fuck so try to treat it as a mind game and give them zero energy back. Just a nod or smile in a disengaged way. Don't give them any ammunition, don't react to any shitty comments, basically grey rock them.

And remember, one day (if the natural order of things comes to pass) this will all be a distant memory.
I live in that peaceful place now, but for years it was merry hell.

Like CrystalCoco, I lived that life. My MIL is long gone, but these posts ring so many bells with me.
I disengaged as much as I could for the last ten or so years of her life, after her total lack of empathy or even slight interest in the loss of my parents, became obvious. DH did most of the visiting alone, when I did visit I just smiled and nodded , was polite but detached. I do not miss her.

I think people become and stay like that as no one tells them the truth.

I echo the smile and nod and detached way of dealing. I used to stay in the background, drink tea, engage with my kids and be a complete Stepford Wife. The time passed.

@Timeforachangeisitnot

😥💐.

I also lost a parent and when they came to visit Mil was particularly vile that day.
I think that was also my turning point.

I'd rather not see them again but I don't know how to respond to the miserable comments.

@CrystalCoco

I'm definitely going to try that, I realised that's actually what dh does with them and I've always been the sort of person to carry the conversation and stop silences as they are not massive talkers.

What also irks me is the constant reference by fil to my dc of how amazing Mil is and Mil always getting the dc to thank her. Which sounds rude of me not to like this but it's because I feel she is using my dc to gain praise for herself.

I'm sorry she was vile after your parent died 💐 some people shouldn't be allowed out in public. If you can cope with the visits just smile and nod. I would arrange for the children to be elsewhere if possible so the dont have to deal with the bullshit. "Oh sorry, they were invited out" hopefully they won't stay as long if the kids aren't there!

My PIL have a weird dynamic where she is unpleasant and picks fights. For years I bought into the narrative that he was a poor weak man under her thumb and then one day I realised he’s the one who sets her on people. So he gets to be the good guy.

Absolutely I know what you mean about the superiority. They have met my mum probably 3 times and treated her each time in a sneering way. Never anything direct that you could challenge, just a “tone”. Mum is 12 years older than them in her late 80s now, her worst “fault”is she’s a bit chatty. They were absolutely incredulous when she needed to sit down on a hot day, they’ve never asked how she or I am since dad died. Mum’s a nice woman with lots of good friends, they have none.

I think I recognise your posts.
Is this the FIL who thinks the sun shines out of your MIl and tells everyone she's marvellous etc

I think your best bet is to realise they are utterly toxic and go LC.
When she does the comments either don't reply or come up with neutral flat statements that neither agree nor disagree.
It shuts it down
Really you need to think why they are in your life when they behave like this

I like to think that in your position, next time your PILs were telling you what to do better, I would brightly say something like 'we're so lucky to have you, you always have great advice for us'. But I would probably have bitten their heads off long ago...

@maslinpan.. I honestly with all my heart couldn't encourage them and say that 🤣.

I've tried to be polite listened to them over the years etc... Not said anything when they have repeatedly been so rude I couldn't actually say thank you! For this wonderful advice. They wouldn't sense any sarcasm or irony.

But you would know it was the exact opposite of what you meant, so that might feel quite satisfying? If you kept using that line, in a completely deadpan way, they might pick up that you were not entirely sincere. Depends if they both have the hides of a rhino.
My PIL do basically feel they know best about most things, but after almost 30 years of me disagreeing with them when needed, they watch themselves. I know I am filed in the Difficult box, especially where FIL is concerned, but I really don't care. It helps that DH can't bear them holding forth so we are firmly on the same side.