To wish I could be proud of having suspected Dyspraxia/ADHD/ ASD ?

[Greensunflower123]

I see so many people , ( including celebrities), proudly state they have ADHD/ASD / are neurodiverse and they sound so pleased/ happy/ proud to be ambassadors for ND.
Proud to be different.

I so wish I could be like this, but I'm not. I strongly suspect I may have ASD, but I am not proud and feel so ashamed I may be different. I worry that if I get an official diagnosis it'll feel like a shadow over my life I can't get away from, and I'll always feel " like a weirdo."

For example, I worry it would be flagged up at midwifery bookings and I would be referred for risk assessment to SS , ( in the same way care leavers are automatically referred at booking in many boroughs).

For context, I have a six month old baby, have never had any SS involvement but was referred to community perinatal mental health services due to a close bereavement in pregnancy and after having made a SAR I seem irrationality upset that there's one line in the notes saying the community perinatal MH nurse felt it possible I may have ASD/ ADHD . I was discharged whilst still pregnant, and this was never communiçated to me verbally or in writing, ( the discharge letter, received whilst I was still pregnant stated I had anxiety and emotional distress regarding the bereavement with no other conditions listed ).

I remember when I was a child , I had trouble fitting in , but it was borderline.

I behaved in a socially acceptable enough way that I had good friends within the groups that were much lower down the soical pecking order at school.

I experienced some bullying , ( as most of the group did ) , but I knew the soical rules enough to "know my place," and knew how not to attract bullying, ( sadly some other members of the group did attract significant bullying) .

I was generally pretty quiet , shy and to an extent awkward at school; although was often described as funny and fun to be around by close friends.

I started university and floundered as I was unable to cope with practical placements or adhere to deadlines so failed the first year , but restarted at a different university just a year later and seemed to learn from that experience as I stuck meticulously to deadlines , never needed an extension, handed all assignments in and left with a good degree .

I seemed to have learnt from the negative reaction I got from others to behaving in a mildly promiscuous manner at the first university, ( nothing extreme, kissing different men in clubs and approx. two one night stands throughout the year) , and learnt not to repeat this behaviour in the new university cos of the negative reaction it invoked in others.

However , after graduation, whilst i'd always worked in professional roles ; poor organisation was the ongoing "improvement," point that was generally mentioned in work reviews throughout different workplaces in different roles, ( however I was generally praised for most other aspects of my work).

I feel as I've got older , I've found it easier to make friends / get on with people/ fit in, and have found it easier to fit in at mum and baby groups, than say, at school, when I was younger. I still do sometimes feel mild anxiety about whether I'm doing / saying the same thing.

But I have this sense of shame attached to the fact that a few aquantances over the years have suggested I might have ASD/ ADHD and I have then found this line in the perinatal notes, ( it is just one line that states "Y thinks X may possibly be on the ASD spectrum/ could have undiagnosed ADHD," no reasons were given).

I have done many online ASD/ADHD online quizzes and have answered honestly- they all say I don't have it, ( I know not the same as a diagnostic assessment but realistically if I even put myself forward for one there would be a two year NHS wait).

I don't have any sensory issues.
I have no issues whatsoever with change of routine / appointment times.
I don't need to order my stuff , ( quite the opposite, I am relatively messy).
I can generally tell instantly when someone is lying.
I can "read between the lines," "take a hint," and have no issues with inference.
I have no issues with decoding facial expressions/ tone of voice.
I can detect sarcasm easily .
I'd say I broadly understand soical rules .
I am not hyper...
I do not have issues with personal hygiene.

But on the other hand....

Poor organisation has held me back significantly at uni / work ....
I seem to have terrible issues with being late...
I'm terrible at forgetting things e.g keys / passwords etc....
Lose things frequently...
I will Google and research in greater depth things that interest me...
I obviously struggled fitting in with the "mainstream/ popular," group at school, and to a lesser extent university; although I seem to have improved my ability to 'fit in" soical situations as I've got older.
I do have some very mild social anxiety.
I have been pretty clumsy
I have been unable to successfully learn to drive.

Could I have dyspraxia/ ASD/ ADHD , and why can't I be proud of it like the rest of the ND community?

I'm not sure what you mean by proud of it, some celebrities choose to speak out about it as they have a platform and it might bring comfort to some who look up to them who might be grappling with the same. The cynic in me also reckons they do it to seem relatable and for some sort of gain- I wouldn't read too much into it.

I was diagnosed with ADHD after my first child, I struggled growing up but apparently it can amplify and become a lot more apparent which is what happened with me. I wouldn't say I was proud as such, but I'm not ashamed and it's just part of who I am. I can see why it's hurtful that you read about it in your notes but it wasn't discussed with you, would you be open to an assessment though? Medication and therapy have been life changing for me but it's not for all.

I don't know if I'm brave enough to go for it. Weirdly, I think I wouldn't struggle so much with a dyspraxia/ ADHD diagnosis, but , ( wrongly), I'd feel an ASD diagnosis would be like a sign saying I wasn't able to have "normal," social relationships etc.

You're still who you are though, a diagnosis doesn't change that it just means you can access support (well theoretically) if you need it. For some it brings them comfort too for various reasons. Plenty of people with ASD have what society deems as normal relationships.

The proud to be neurodiverse thing is similar to kids being told it’s a superpower. Essentially a way to discourage people feeling ashamed or embarrassed which is obviously a good thing. Visibility helps. However the flip side is this can minimise some real difficulties that many neurodiverse people experience and makes life very hard. Or make people feel they are failing somehow to not make the best use of their ‘superpower’ like all these celebs.

Having said this, as you have already considered you might be neurodivergent (or been forced to consider this) I can’t see the harm in getting assessed. It can give you explanation and hopefully some strategies that might help. Or you can ignore it. Waiting lists are ages - you can always change you mind whilst waiting.

Also what I would add is genuinely I've never had any difficulty understanding other people's emotions - if anything , I am generally pretty on the ball with this.

I guess what I'm trying to get across based on this post is does it sound like ASD/ADHD/ Dyspraxia/ Anxiety or something else ?

My daughter has ADHD specifically the inattentive type. This is more commonly seen in females and has symptoms similar to those you have mentioned. Restlessness and poor focus are included.

Working as a TA taught me that there are many more additional needs than those that grab the headlines, so many more than I would have ever heard about had I not worked in education and that they are far more common than I would have thought.

DD has a recent ASD diagnosis, she isn't 'proud' of it but it has given her validation and an understanding of herself and why she is the way she is. We can now identify when things are getting too much and put things in place to support her. DD has typical female autism, very subtle but there under the surface. She has a need for sameness more than strict routines, can cope with changes just fine as long as there aren't too many and she gets notice. She does have noise sensitivity that has gotten worse throughout adolescence.

If your only real struggles are with organisation and time keeping then an Executive functioning issues are more likely and that is super common but often goes hand in hand with ASD/ADHD/other neuro diversities and is picked up when those other areas are being diagnosed.

You don't need to get a diagnosis if you don't want, but what you could do is look at coping strategies for people with that condition and give them ago and see if that helps. A formal diagnosis won't give you any physical help if you don't have high needs although can help when applying for jobs.

DD can tell the difference between most emotions but will get stuck if someone is crying happy tears because smile = happy, tears = sad or telling more obscure emotions apart like happy and excited and sad and worried.

She doesn't have a proper conversation, is unlikely to instigate one but will answer you if you ask her a question but won't counter it back to the other speaker ie
"How are you?"
"I'm fine"
End of conversation instead of responding in kind to the person, she also doesn't pick up on conversational cliff hangers. She likes sarcasm and satire when it's on TV as she knows to expect it but doesn't necessarily pick up on it in social situations.

I am diagnosed with ADHD and suspect I am also autistic.

It sounds like you are very proficient in masking any ND you might have, which is of course something women are more likely to do too.

I also think your understanding of ASD is based on outdated criteria. Being able to read other people's moods and emotions, reading between the lines or picking up on sarcasm wouldn't rule out ASD. I would say I am very similar and actually very emotionally intelligent and empathetic, perhaps to the point I am overly conscious or sensitive of how others are feeling or thinking.

If you are ND, it's just who you are. I find the idea of being proud of an attribute a person has no influence over a strange concept. I take pride in my actions and achievements. I also appreciate what I am able to offer as a result of the way my brain works, while also acknowledging the ways it makes some things more challenging. But then, I hope those who are NT can do the same too.

I understand the sense of panic and the feeling of shame that you might be autistic (although I also hear you that you don't think you are, but possibly more likely ADHD.) I went through similar when I realised (after other people realised before I did) that I was possibly/probably autistic. Shame was part of the journey for me, which also involved a massive sense of relief, and a wonderful understanding of why I am the way I am.

Your post struck me as very ND in tone and formation. Sorry that's vague and difficult to pin down. The energy of how you write has the scent of ND to me. But that could, I recognise, be me working with my own set of assumptions about what ND is or isn't.

Why don't you look into the ADHD side of things a bit more?

I hope this doesn't sound offensive at all, but what "is" autism.
My ( probably outdated), idea of autism, ( based on the NHS website) , is someone who would struggle with social skills, have difficulty with "unwritten," social rules, detecting manipulation, detecting subtle lies , would be unintentionally blunt and often say the wrong thing....

That is quite interesting and I hope you don't mind me asking, but what ND criteria jump out from the post ? Anything in the way it's written that would signal ASD / ADHD particularly , or both , or one more than the other ?

Again, I think I had for so long discounted ADHD because, the general stereotype of ADHD is you had to be hyper/ a naughty child , ( particularly at school). And I was generally shy / quiet throughout both primary and secondary school, and also achieved relatively well academically, ( although disorganisation/ lack of focus definitely held me back ).
The adults I know who had ADHD diagnosis all were very loud / domineering personalities - is it possible to have ADHD without being hyper / loud ?

It's not exactly criteria, it's the way your post was written. Like a big rush of thoughts, some very detailed, others more hasty, and a big flood of information similar to a ND info-dump. (I use the term neutrally and factually, not pejoratively!) A sense of a big span of thought with different levels within it, an intensity, a relentless in pursuit of what you are seeking to analyse and understand.

Can you get your thread transferred to the ND board? You might get some other views there.

@Greensunflower123 the problem with the stereotypical signs of autism are that they are based on male autism and it has been found to present very differently and far more subtle in girls.

Girls are more likely to learn social skills and mimic others via masking. When my DD comes home she is really tired because it's mentally draining. But school don't see her struggles and just view her as a very clever, quiet student.

DD lacks imagination, lies badly, is talented creatively in terms of the skills required in music and art etc but struggles to create anything original and likes to copy images in art or will use phrase from books she's read when writing creatively.

Girls are more likely to shutdown when overwhelmed and not the stereotypical physical meltdown that we often see in the media.

DD has a fantastic grasp of language and language as a tool but won't pick up on when a conversation has met its natural end, if she's talking about a topic she likes she talks at you not too you.... Some would call it passionate.

Maybe have a look at the Ambitious Autism website they have resources from those affected profoundly with very high needs and some from those that are affected in a more subtle low needs (but still challenging way).

Out of interest, why did you do the SAR? That's interesting that you did that ...

Did you have a history of anxiety or other MH issues prior to your bereavement in pregnancy?

I understand your worry about how professionals might view/perceive you if you had a diagnosis.

But on the other hand, undiagnosed ND mothers can be wrongly perceived in interactions with professionals, especially about our children, and sometimes it's hugely helpful to be able to say explicitly "my social communication differences are because I'm X, these are the reasonable adjustments that help me to best communicate on behalf of my children, thank you for respecting my differences by working with me in Y way"

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/what-is-autism

This may help you with understanding what autism is.
The important thing to remember is that it is a spectrum - no two people experience it the same way.
Many people with ASD have happy and successful lives.
My son is 18, over the last few years he has learnt strategies for dealing with how autism affects him
Every one who meets him thinks he is the bees knees because he is always happy and cheerful. He has worked hard and done well at school and college and is off to uni in September. He has tons of friends, a job, is learning to drive. He has his struggles but is on his way to a positive and successful future.

I wouldn't say he is proud of having ASD, he is proud of what he has achieved despite his more difficult early years.
He is definitely not ashamed of it, although he did struggle with it in his early teens.
ASD is not a horrible, nasty disease, its just that your brain works in a different way. It's just who you are- having a diagnosis will not change that, but it may help you understand who you are.

No you won't be referred to social services because you have ASD.
No one here can tell you if you have ASD, but like others have suggested you might want to look at ADHD - there is a lot of crossover.
whatever you are, you don't have to be proud but you have no need to feel ashamed either.

If you are ND, then it's very common to have two co-occuring types of neurodiversity. I have dyslexia and dyspraxia, which were not diagnosed until I was well into adulthood, and some of what you describe sounds like possible dyspraxia.

Dyspraxia can sometimes get mistaken for ASD, as it can have some very subtle effects on social interactions, like not quite knowing when to take your turn and interject in a conversation. The struggling to learn to drive and clumsiness also sound consistent. (I took me four goes to pass my test and my parallel parking is still naff).

ADHD may be the cause of your organisational issues, but dyslexia can also cause significant problems with organisation. Don't assume that dyslexia isn't a possibility for you because you can read (that was my mistake and why it didn't get picked up until my 30s!)

A lot of dyslexics compensate using other strategies to be able to read, and don't know that they are doing this because that's how they have always read. If you find that you often have to re-read passages a second time to get the full meaning or just feel that you are not the quickest of readers then it's a possibility.

Ultimately, you need to get assessed by a professional to find out. But I agree with you that ASD doesn't seem to fit (at least based on what you have written in your posts).

ADHD without the hyperactivity is just ADD, equally recognised.

You sound very much like me, and I have long suspected I have ADD.

I read a medical article theorising that ADD/ADHD have so many overlapping symptoms/attributes with ADHD that it could be considered to be a specific subset of it, which really chimed with me.

I'm not "proud" of it, but I know it limits me. Right now I should be working and am distracted by Mumsnet - I am in a role where I am in control of my schedule and it's awful. I faff around during the day and then work back late to do my work.... I do far better in highly pressured roles that require urgent outputs of work.

"Driven to Distraction" - is a book that contains a lot of case studies and it's what convinced me I have ADD.

I have two autistic children. One girl, one boy and they both present very differently. My daughter wanted an assessment but less than 2 years after diagnosis, does her best to appear neurotypical. She is the opposite of proud. The journey is different for everyone and you choose how best to move forward for you. My husband strongly believes he has ASD but does not want clarification via a formal diagnosis. Follow whichever path makes you feel at peace with your findings

I don’t think it’s something to be proud or ashamed of. You are who you are.

I was diagnosed as ND at age 50. Not a huge surprise but a huge relief of all the emotions I was feeling.

Exactly this. My daughter is dyslexic . a lot of what the op says is my daughter. It was picked up by me when she was 11. We’d paid for a ski trip at school but after loads of lessons on the dry slope we realised it wasn’t going to happen as she couldn’t do-ordinate her arms and legs. I did a google on “why can’t my child ski?” And dyslexia was mentioned in several articles. Reading further it mentioned an early indicator being late with milestones and she was very late with every single one. It was like a lightbulb moment. She was assessed and diagnosed a few months later. Now at 17, college also believe she has adhd.

i also agree that autism doesn’t really fit. My eldest is autistic and although it presents differently in girls the basics are the same.

if I were you I’d push ahead for an assessment.

@Singleandproud

DD lacks imagination, lies badly, is talented creatively in terms of the skills required in music and art etc but struggles to create anything original and likes to copy images in art or will use phrase from books she's read when writing creatively

This is me as a child exactly, I have never seen such a similar description to me! Also very quiet, very shy, well behaved at school. I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD till I was in my 50s. I suspect some amount of ASD too but not diagnosed.