To want the doctors to do more

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I need some guidance, help or advice from someone who's been threw similar please. This post is long - sorry.

My DD is 8. Since covid shes become a shell of herself. Gone is the lively, confident party lover and in place is a lost girl who has aniexty. I don't know how to help.

She no longer wants to go to parties, at first I'd encourage/force her to go but she'd spend the whole time sitting with me and not joining in so I stopped making her go and just go with what shes comfortable with.

She doesn't do playdates without me, she use to, with parents we knew well but not anymore. We went on one today and she spent the whole time sat with me and not joining in even though its her best friend and was playing a game she loves.

She has aniexty at school, she'll panic if a child forgets their coat and she'll worry they're going to be cold etc.

She doesn't like her body, she says she doesnt look like other girls her age, and she's right, she's more developed and has hips. We're really body positive and my daughters mental well being is far more important to me than academics. We tell her shes beautiful inside and out, but it doesn't mean much coming from your mum.

She worries about her sister all the time, her sister (5) was standing on the sofa and my older DD was nearly in tears with fear she might hurt her self.

She cries most nights before bed, she says there's no reason and just that she feels emotional. She'll have a cry or two then go to bed.

I've tried alot of things. Worry monster, worry fairies, journals, positivity board and talking, nothing works.

I spoke to the doctors who literally said that unless shes self harming they can't do anything.

She had therapy at school but it was 6 sessions and after that she has to go back to the bottom of the waiting list. The therapy helps but only when she's doing it.

She doesn't like school (there's no bullying etc going on) she hates leaving me, I'm her safe place.

This all started with lockdown, things have happened since like we've moved (not areas so she's still in the same school) my brother SIL and nephew moved countries, I started back at work after 9 years off and her sister has been diagnosed with Autism. When this changes happened we prepared her the best we could, we had lots of talks, books etc.

If she had her way we would never leave the house.

I'm at a loss, I just want to help my little girl before it becomes worse. We're saving for private therapy but I was hoping someone on here had gone through something similar and could advise?

I love my children more than life and feel like I'm failing her.

Thanks for reading

Have you thought about a child psychologist?

they might be able to get underneath it to help understand her and put in place techniques to help overcome in baby steps

it must be so upsetting for you to experience this

Sorry, see that youre saving for private therapies

It must be heartbreaking going though this OP. The only advice I can think of is to contact on of the children’s charities. A quick google says the NSPCC has advice, and you could try YoungMinds.

I hope you can find the help your lovely dd needs.

My son struggled really badly with anxiety. We worked with a private child psychologist. I know you said you were saving for one which is great but in the meantime. The book we worked through with guidance from the psychologist was called helping your child with fears and worries by Cathy cress well and Lucy willets. It gives you step by step plans to follow and really teaches you how to talk to your child in order that they can figure out that life isn't scary in their own way. I'm not saying it will change everything but while you wait for private treatment (we did parent led cbt) it may help. We had to basically change the way we responded to our sons anxiety and it transformed his (and our) life. Best of luck going forward, I know how hard it is to see your child suffer.

Could she have autism? It often runs in families and not all children present the same, for girls especially it can present as high levels of social anxiety.

Hi

Sorry for the delay im replying, its been a busy half term.

I'll take a look at that book thanks for the suggestion Newuser82. Yes its very hard isn't it.

MelchiorsMistress Thank you, ill check them out too.

MolkosTeenageAngst I think its possible, at the very least I think she has a Sensory Processing Disorder. We had to fight for 2 and a half years to get my other DDs diagnosis, so while I definitely need to look into this for her, I wanted something to help her now. If I'm being completely honest, she's very smart and I feel that with a diagnosis she may well "use it" to her advantage. I'm aware that sounds awful but what I mean by that is she would say she couldn't do something as she had xyz, things she can do now. However I do know that it would benefit her too. Ahhhhh parenting is so hard isn't it!

Thank you for replying, its nice to know I'm not alone. X

Maybe it's busy places or events she is struggling with. How would she feel if you packed up drawing books and pencils and a picnic and went somewhere really quite to just draw? If she enjoys it then it could be the environment. Can you give her an object to take to school to remind her of you. I am a teacher and I would happily support this as well as frequent reminders of how long left in the day. Also if the teacher could tell you at pick up something positive about the day so you can say how proud you are etc.

I think the NHS just don't have the resources to help with complex/chronic/non-situational anxiety.

I'm 40 and was like your daughter all through my life, NHS interventions are so useless as to be even more demoralising.

I started paying for my own private therapy from age 25. It's enormously worth it, and I'm almost a normal functioning adult now.

I spent age 5-22 anxious and scared of everything, and I'm not sure what my parents could have done differently. They didn't want to medicate me so young, and they couldn't afford the therapy I needed. Now I'm medicated and have had lots of therapy I'm ok. I'm not normal, but who is. I can have a life.

You sound like an amazing teacher!

I think alot is to do with environment, thats a lovely idea I think she'd love that. Some is not to donwith environment as such, she's cried 5 times today, she says she's just feeling emotional but I think perhaps she's worried about school tomorrow. We're going to draw love hearts on our hands tomorrow, it doesn't always work but has tonight. I will speak to her teacher this week.

Your class sound very lucky to have you!

I completely understand the doctors being overwhelmed etc but I want to support and help my DD before this turns into something worse.

I also have aniexty, didn't mention it before as naturally people would assume I project it on to her. I make such a conscious effort to never let her see me stressing out etc and wouldn't speak about worries in front of her or in her ear shot.

I'm sure I've read somewhere that aniexty can be hereditary, so I guess it's my fault after all.

I'm glad your doing better, no ones normal we all just hide it differently xx

Maybe also have a cry teddy that she can hug and tell her worries to? There is a book called Ruby's worries but you may already have that.

I also have an issue with negativity and anxiousness since covid. I try to think of three positive things each day before I go to sleep. Maybe 1 to start off with and you could all do it together maybe? I also write positive things on post it notes on my fridge and read them every so often when I need it. It's acknowledging the need to cry if needed but also emphasising the positives.

Seeing a lot of this type of anxiety at work at the moment (although I work with adults with LD) - and we went through some of it with DD2, although lots of hers was down to a very difficult situation with a particular teacher and led to us having to switch schools - took a good year to undo the damage that woman caused us. DD2 has now got an autism diagnosis and her anxiety is very driven by wanting to please and follow rules and be "good" - which is why it absolutely fucking spiralled and almost destroyed her personality when she got stuck with a teacher who was completely bonkers with covid rules and had so many of them that DD2 learnt nothing for a year as she was getting so tied up mentally in knots remembering which direction she was allowed to face and whether she was allowed to move in the classroom or not!

It might be worth exploring - in my area you can self-refer to CAMHS (although waiting list is huge and usefulness can vary) and by sheer luck, my kids' school is part of a local pilot where they're running lower-key intervention work out of the schools to try to address some need earlier on before things get bad.

Hiya

Yes we've tried to the teddy and that book, nothing has a lasting effect, unfortunately. I've ordered a kids Alexa so she can listen to Audio books at bedtime, hoping it'll help.

Good idea, I'll give that a try. I think there's also some confusion with parenting techniques tbh. I think my husband had undiagnosed Autism and honestly some of the things he says, I always tell her its okay to cry and be emotional and let our feelings out, he tells her she needs to try and not be emotional.

Thanks for the ideas x

My son gets help with his anxiety from CAMHS who prescribe him anxiety medication. He is doing a lot better since starting it. Wishing you all the best op.

Camhs told me schools should help with anxiety. They do ELSA training to support children with anxiety and can offer support.

Hi

my daughter is similar, she's very eager to please people.

I think we have to be referred to CAMHS, Doctor said they're so busy at the moment its unlikely they'll see my daughter as she isn't a priority. Which I'm grateful for ofcourse but on the other hand, she's spent most the day crying and I'm inclined to think this cant just be aniexty, maybe abit of depression too, if its possible for an 8yo to have depression. God i feel like I've failed.

Glad your daughter is in a new school and it's having a positive effect. My DD school is good, her teacher is great and I've emailed them to see if they have any advice for me too.

Thanks for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it x

Thanks for your message, our school do ELSA, they provide 6 therapy sessions over 6 weeks, its ment to give the children tools to help them understand thier feelings and to deal with them. My DD has had this therapy before and it worked while she was in it but as soon as the 6 weeks is up she went back to how she was before and is now at the bottom of the waiting list to have it again.

I've emailed school so hopfupy they can help.

How old is your son if you don't mind me asking? I have reservations about putting DD on medication at such a young age (absolutely no judgement to you ofcourse)

My daughter was very anxious around that age (from about 9 to 11) - similar thing panicking about her little sister, her own health, crying and shouting a lot, very stressy and anxious, always needing me there. Many many times i thought i should take her to a child psychiastrist but she always became hysterical at the suggestion she 'chat to someone' so i left it and hoped things would improve. Aged 12 she seemed a bit happier and now at 13 I wouldn't say she was a particularly anxious child at all compared to her peers. Things improved as she got older and felt more in control of her life i think.