AIBU? NC FIL ill, DH is asking me what to do

[loganfuckingroy]

We went NC with PIL in November after many years of their narcissism, gaslighting, bullying and bigotry. Some of it included our kids and a mixed race family member. DH has been super chilled and relaxed and has so much less anxiety and stress ever since.

Then half an hour ago he's had a text from his sister telling him their dad has had a "possible stroke" and is in A&E. He's now spiralling and is asking me what to do. I have told him I'll support him whatever he decides. I have this horrid nagging feeling of deja vu because of a few years ago when DH's elderly Gran was used as a manipulation tool against him and his parents frequently told him she was at death's door so he'd go running. (She wasn't at death's door and this carried on over about 8 years until she actually died). He is losing his temper and I've come upstairs to put the kids to bed so he can have some space.

I have no idea what to tell him really.

If he trusts his sister to tell the truth I would advise sending a text back saying to let him know how things progress. Sometimes a stroke can have very serious implications, sometimes quick treatment can mean the person is able to live as they did before. Until you know how serious this might be it's impossible to decide what is best.

I think you're doing the right thing by supporting him with whatever he chooses to do.

My personal view would be to text sis, asking her to let him know if dad's health deteriorates and leave it there. If it does, then a thinking of you card maybe?

I really think it depends on how awful they've been and whether they are truly horrible people or not as to whether I could ignore my parent who had a stroke

Is he NC with his sister, too?

I’d say two things to him…

The first is that he should consider that this may be a ploy to get him to re-engage.

The second is that only he knows how he feels and what difference this makes. If he thinks that his father may die and needs to make peace then he should. Partly because it will be the right thing to do for him, but also because you don’t want to ever be in a position where he says ‘you kept me from my dad’s deathbed’.

Does he trust his sister to be telling the truth?

I've stood back and just asked him about how he's feeling. I've not offered my own opinion because it's not useful atm. He's had an update from sis (things are strained but they speak) and apparently blood clot in neck has caused minor stroke. So I'm guessing he will be alright?

He's very churned up and angry because they actually are horrid people and refused to change their viewpoint on our parenting of our autistic child. They deny the condition exists and we "spoil" him but anyway, that's a story for another day.

I supported an alcoholic. He was on his deathbed and I asked them to directly phone the ward. I could understand why they wouldn't trust what was being said. He needs permission to be given so that he can get medical information direct from the ward etc.

Re the stroke. His father might be offered a stent. As upsetting as it is, it's a trial run and decisions can be made when he, or his Mother is dying. It will happen eventually.