To feel stressed about promotion at work

[fina22]

Sorry if ranting. Up for a big promotion at work, it’s between me and another manager. We’re the same age ish and she is 5 years more experienced than I am. She’s a bit narcy and she’s had 2 bullying complaints against her in as many years, one very recent, although it never seems to stick to her. I have no idea how she gets away with it and people still seem to like her. She always spins it so the other person ends up looking bad.

She actually resigned 2 years ago as her DH is in the military and has to move around every 2-3 years and she went with him. She then started working for us again remotely but directors realised pretty quick it wasn’t working (part of our job has to be done in person really) so gave her an ultimatum and she moved back on her own. He is still living 4 hours away on an army base.

Last year she was quite vocal about wanting to start a family and their window is closing, she is 33 and her DH early 40s. Said her DH was upset he is going to be an ‘old dad’.

Complete 180 now we’ve found out this promotion has opened up, suddenly she’s announced her DH is likely getting posted locally to us later this year, for 3 years, and she thinks he can get posted close to us again after that.

I really want this promotion but she is the better candidate and I know it deep down, she is more experienced and she can manipulate people. I have heard that the only reason I’m in the running is because they’re having doubts about her DH moving around and whether she is going to start a family after she’s been promoted and ‘placehold’ the job (they can’t give it to anyone else while she’s on maternity), and the bullying thing. I’ve had 1 DC who is now in school and no more for us. Not that it should matter but it feels like it does sometimes.

I am desperate for this promotion, trying not to think about it but the money would be life changing for me and DP. DP is making me feel under pressure to get the job now. I would feel so sick if I lost out to this woman and she then spends the next few years on maternity. Wouldn’t put it past her to lie through her teeth to get the job, then pull the rug. She’s done it before, she let them order her a company car when she knew she’d be giving notice 2 months later and they couldn’t return it.

To make it more stressful, directors haven’t set any timeline as to when they will decide. Probably to see what the woman I am up against does next. I don’t know how long I can wait either though.

Wwyd? I am so stressed. The more time I am waiting is time I could have spent looking for similar upward moves elsewhere, and DP is making me feel like I have to deliver, she’s constantly asking me about it.

Your views about her going on maternity leave are really unpleasant and are exactly why so many women of childbearing age are discriminated against in the workplace. I hope the best candidate gets the job regardless of their personal circumstances.

Jesus - you just came right out and said that your company is considering not hiring her because of her private family planning decision.

That makes them assholes that I wouldn't want to work for.

You come off pretty terribly here too.

Where her DH lives and her fertility plans are irrelevant.

You've acknowledged she's the better candidate. Plus your dodgy views on maternity should rule you out as you are a legal liability (and a dinosaur)

I hope she gets it. Your comments about maternity leave are bang out of order.

100% what @TheUndoing said

I mean it's obviously not good if she bullies people, but the fact she may go on maternity leave should not have an impact on whether she gets a promotion!! Just wow

Respectfully, tell your DP to fuck right off. Why can’t DP get a better job if they’re that desperate.

Also this!

There is nothing else you can do apart from working hard and do your best 🙂

However, your DP attitude sounds terrible and you should tell them to stop putting pressure.

Your workplace is toxic, anti-women and apparently allows bullying. Why are you still there?

All those details about her personal life are irrelevant, you need to externalise less and think more about what you can do to grow professionally and personally.

Given OP's attitude on here I have my doubts about the "bullying" too - they'd probably call the exact same actions from a male assertive and demonstrating leadership.

I think you're overthinking this and making up reasons as to why she shouldn't get the job as you really want the job and it will make a big difference to your life. Your anger re mat leave etc is misplaced.

It will come down to who is the best candidate, so do all you can in the areas you can control and try not to worry about things you can't.

Good luck OP

Can’t believe you’re mixing up the bullying and maternity - one is a (very) valid reason to not give a job, the second would be illegal. It’s a shocker you actually think her family plans should be a factor in whether she gets the job. I know several women who have had big internal promotions while heavily pregnant - that must really blow your mind!

This isn’t going to go well for you…

None of the background is your business to be honest. If you're the best candidate you'll get the job, if you aren't and she gets it then it's up to the managers to manage her. Having been a military wife it's extremely challenging moving around and then deciding to live apart for stability is also really hard, sounds like she's doing great. I'm sure you took maternity leave, so not sure why you seem resentful of someone else potentially having it.

I retract my last comment as it appears you're a man? Even more of an abhorrent view if so.

Wow, I hope she gets the job.

You admitted she is a better candidate and the only reason why she shouldn't get a job is because of her personal life, which has nothing to do with you.

The promotion should go to the better candidate regardless of their gender and family planning.

I am actually surprised you posted this

I said YABU as you do not have a positive mindset. Stop thinking about why your colleague should get it and more why they should give the job to you. Focus on your performance and what you would bring to the role. Make yourself the better candidate..

If that is your attitude to women having children whilst working then you don’t deserve that promotion. You shouldn’t be in a position of management or anywhere near supervising anyone, or having any future say in new hires or promotions.

I hope she gets it.

100% this

I don’t understand this at all. What do you mean when you say the role wouldn’t require maternity cover?

It isn’t a whole job that needs to be done all the time? The business can do without it for a year if the incumbent is off for any reason.

It’s really shitty to see women wanting other women held back because of having children.

OP, don't sell yourself short. She may have 5 years more experience than you but you have had 2 years to prove yourself without her presence. Part of being in senior management is being able to get people on board and work with others. Something she is not good at.

Try not to worry yourself sick thinking about who will get it. It aint over till it is over, so sit tight and be calm and zen about it (hard, I know).

Even if she gets the promotion, if she goes on maternity leave, you will be her obvious maternity cover. So another chance to prove yourself and get people on your side. Sometimes, it takes more than one move to get where you need to.

Best of luck. May the best person get it, hopefully the decision makers can see through her and even then, it does not end there.