To not be able to decide whether to have another baby?

[Honeybee0821]

Hi everyone. I feel at a total crossroads at the moment so hoping for some Mumsnet wisdom. We currently have a 25 month old little girl. The first two years have been so full on. Our DD had colic and reflux when she was born, so the first 8 weeks were pretty much just crying. She hates sleeping alone. Only just recently have we managed to get her down in the evenings and be able to leave her until we go to bed. She has a very short attention span. We go out a couple of times a day (soft play, the park etc) to keep her entertained and burn off her energy. She gets so bored at home even though she has lots of toys, crafts, and books to play with.

Over the last month or so things have got a little easier. We have a good routine, our DD will focus on some play for a few minutes at a time etc. My relationship with my partner has improved as a result. We had a lot of arguments during the first couple of years when we'd be stressed and exhausted and snapping at each other.

My partner and I have recently been talking about having another child. I never imagined just having one and loved having my brother with me when I was little. However, we just can't imagine how we could possibly cope with a newborn and our toddler (especially if the new baby had colic etc.) I would be hoping that we'd get one of those mellow babies that I see so often just sitting with their mums in cafes, or asleep in their buggy at soft play etc. But what if we don't!

I guess I'm trying to decide what I would regret more. Not giving our little girl a sibling just because it would potentially be a very difficult couple of years. Or if I'd regret adding a new baby and all that stress into our family unit that finally feels like it's settling down.

Does anyone have any advice? Has anyone had a seriously full-on first child and gone on to have another and survived?! Has anyone ever regretted having a second child?

Thanks so much for any thoughts.

Honestly, if you don't want it a million times and don't have any doubts. Then you have your answer

I had a very high needs first child. Never doubted that I’d have a second though. We did (2.5 year age gap) and my second was that dream mellow baby! However my first didn’t stop being high needs and I really struggled to balance both of them.

DC2 is now 2.5 and it’s been a really hard couple of years. DC1 was very jealous and acted up a lot, and it coincided with the terrible 2s/threenager phase which was hard.

However, it is now massively starting to pay off as they have a beautiful relationship. They are such different characters and so good for each other - DC2 is a lot more outgoing and gives DC1 a lot of confidence. DC2 adores DC1 and really looks up to her and that in turn is great for them both. It’s been good for DC1 to learn to share me and she has become more independent as a result (possibly also just age-related). They’ve started playing together and it is so sweet. Also gives us a break! So I’d say absolutely worth it but also massively child dependent.

I hate the whole "to give my child another sibling" argument.

Fact: Most siblings bicker, dislike each other, have completely different interests, and can make life really hard work.

Lots of kids who are only children are actually very happy not having a sibling, especially those who have cousins!

You need to do what is best for YOU.

There's no guarantee you'll have the same experience, as baby #2 could be angelic.

My baby #2 turned out to be twins!

Leave it another two years and wait til she’s in primary school. See how she is then, then decide. That’s what we’re doing.

I never thought I'd have an only, but by the time I had enough energy to have another, I was getting on a bit, and we were enjoying being a family of three, so we stopped there. It's worked very well for us - she's very happy as an only. It's different, but there are advantages as well as disadvantages.

We timed ours so that dc2 arrived just before dc2 started afternoons at Preschool at 3yo. Then it turns out he was the most chilled baby ever. Still is. They are both nearing 12 and 9 and still dc1 is intense and dc2 is mellow.

Deciding on whether to have a second was a bugger decision for us than whether to have had the first. There is no obligation. And you aren't in a rush.

The only reason to have a second is that you absolutely can’t live without having the second one and you love being a parent so much you want to long it out even more.

Dont do it because society tells you you should or for a sibling for your current child.

Hi,
I hope you don't mind me posting here!

I wonder if any of you might be willing to speak to me, as at my university we are conducting a study on how people make decisions about whether to have children/how many children to have in different countries and cities.
We're looking for research participants in London for a 30-60min interview, and you'll receive £10 in appreciation of your time.

I wonder if any of you might meet the requirements and have time to chat to me? I’d be really grateful. If so you can fill in this contact form so I can get in touch with more info:
https://forms.gle/pSAqxK5wd1GeLszt8

Sorry again to barge into your forum. I realise that it hasn't been active for a few months but just thought I'd go for the long shot anyway!

Thanks so much

This is why we have a bigger age gap. Our first was very full on. I'd wait at least year before deciding, depending on your age of course.

I agree that a child doesn't need a sibling. It has pros and cons so just do it if you as parents want to.