Mum won’t talk to me anymore

[Mrscouldron]

I have recently made the very difficult decision to go no contact with my controlling and narcissistic father. I tried going low contact to start with but my mental health was in the gutter. My mum will now no longer have anything to do with me. She has had a miserable life with him but they are still together and married. Unless I go back to how things were with my father she said she wants nothing to do with me or her grandchildren. I am heartbroken. AIBU to have thought that I would be able to at least have some contact with my mum and she would want to have a relationship with her grandchildren? Or should I just accept that I've lost her by cutting off my father? I want to try and keep contacting her but I don't know if that's the right thing to do or not.

Thank you in advance for any advice.

I went through this with my parents OP. It was my mother who was the narcissist and I had to go NC to save my mental health. I understood when my DF told me he had to support my mother although he and I did have the occasional phone call, once of Mother's Day when he phoned to say she was crying because I hadn't sent her a card! Give things time to settle down and keep contact through texts at least. Eventually she may come round. Good luck. You have done the right thing.

YANBU to want a relationship with your mother or for her to have one with your children, her grandchildren.

But YABU to assume she has said those things of her own free will. Your father is narcissistic and controlling, and she’s been under his thumb far longer than you have. I can’t believe this is what she wants, this is what he has coerced her into telling you in a desperate attempt to keep control over you. And believe you me, if your mum is caught contacting you, she will pay for it.

I would keep contacting her but try and find a way to do it secretly. Any letters you post he will probably intercept and then punish your mum for “encouraging” you. Her email and phone are probably monitored.

Is she ever out on her own? Can you visit her work? Or does she do a grocery shop- perhaps bump into her there and have a cup of tea in the cafe?

Youve got away, it sounds like your mum is decent. See if there is a way to get her away from him too. She doesn’t deserve to be miserable the rest of her life,

I'm really sorry, it would annoy me she's found the courage to assert herself with you but not your father.

This is the problem she isn’t allowed to do anything on her own. She has no access to their money and can’t drive so is never out on her own. She has to accompany him everywhere. The only thing is she does work one day a week so I did think about calling her work. He accesses her emails, texts and Facebook messenger so there is no way other than through her work that I can contact her. He has turned all our family against us making out I am the monster and she’s going along with it. I know it’s probably his control but I wish she would speak out.

I do feel cross about it and that’s why I don’t know if I should just accept it and move on with my life.

We went nc with mil. She wasn't invited to our wedding. Fil came but left swiftly afterwards.. Then fil dumped us. Broke dh.. Been 8 years now. Dh is happier without his dm.. Still saddened by fils decision I won't lie.
Your dm is in an abusive relationship op. You are imo better off out of it.
Your dc certainly should never be around him.

This is so sad. Your poor mum. Yes do try and pop by at her work but you can’t let your dad find out ever. Your mum must be too afraid to speak out.

You could call Womens Aid and talk to them further as I know these details must be distressing (and potentially outing). You might be able to get your mum registered as a vulnerable adult and be able to find a way to free her.

Coercive and controlling is now a recognised form of domestic violence all on its own and is illegal. Women’s Aid could advise you on options for your mother getting to a refuge and being protected from your father…one day..when you’d both be ready.

This, frankly.

I won’t pretend to understand what it’s like to be in a relationship with an abuser. But nothing in this earth would allow me to let my husband abuse our children.

She is certainly being controlled but she’s refusing to seek help and you can’t make her.

Personally I would send a letter and tell her you’ll leave her alone but you’ll be there when she’s ready.

I suspect the issue is if she accepts your lack of contact she acknowledges how badly she’s let you down which she’s not willing to do.

I think she is doing exact opposite of asserting herself. She’s literally a puppet on a string, the words she’s saying are the fathers words, not her own.

She may be thinking she is a lost cause and telling her DD no contact is best way to keep her DD away from the father. It could be self-sacrifice- a don’t worry about me save yourself.

Oh OP this is heartbreaking to read. I’m so sorry. Hope you manage to somehow keep in contact with your DM & that she eventually breaks free 💐

I wish she would speak out

She's keeping herself safe, or as safe as she can be with him.

I understand your hurt/anger at her but the consequences of standing up to him would be so much worse than they will be by letting you down. This way the eggshells she's walking on won't shred her feet. Or worse.

The main thing is I have to protect my DC in all this. I am a mess and I can’t carry on like this. It’s like I’m grieving my DM but she’s still alive. I will contact Woman’s Aid I hadn’t thought of that.

As hard as it is I do understand this.

You’re so strong and wonderful. You absolutely do need to protect yourself and your DC. I can see you are heartbroken for your mum, just keep in mind it’s him making her cut contact. I hope women’s aid can help you & her, I really do.

It is hard @Mrscouldron but I think a little understanding (a lot of which you will already have having lived with him) is always useful to help you realise it's not you, or your mum really.

If you can, it would be good if you can speak to someone yourself, perhaps WA will help you with that, as well as offering you support about your mum.

The only way to ensure your protect your DC is to stay well away from them.

You need to protect your DC directly by them not seeing them and indirectly by your mental health not suffering from them.

I say "them" because until your mother decides to stand up to or leave your father then she will damage your DC as well.

“She is certainly being controlled but she’s refusing to seek help and you can’t make her.”

I some experience in being controlled and sadly, when you are deeply in it, seeking help is utterly unthinkable. You can’t even let yourself imagine it because it is too terrifying. And because of the abuser, you think you are worthless and this is the life you deserve anyway. You also think you can’t get away with even a disloyal thought, everything you say and do, every expression is constantly scrutinised.

It’s not really refusing to seek help, it’s being too afraid to even think about seeking help or to seek help. As the pp said above, she’s keeping herself as safe as she can.

and the time I was controlled can’t have been anywhere near as many years as the OP’s mum has been. The longer it goes on for, the deeper the damage.

Could you post a letter to her work. And ask her to destroy it after? It's such a hard situation. But she is responsible for her own decisions.

In your opinion is there anything I can do to help her get the courage? Or is it a place she has to reach on her own?

I think a letter to her work is the best idea. It’s something my father won’t be able to intercept and she can destroy it easily.

@Mrscouldron yes she will have to make a decision on her own. You can't force her it's horrible to watch from the outside.

I think staying in secret contact and getting Women’s Aid to help you would be a good start. Other than that your mum may be like a spooked horse, you will have to play by ear and give support to gently ease her along until she is mentally strong enough to leave. It all depends to on how bad her situation is with your dad.

I can say hand in heart, I needed help to leave. I couldn’t have done it on my own. It was one of the most terrifying days when I packed a bag and snuck out to a friend to go to a refuge and I lived with physically sickening fear for a long time after. But I am grateful for the patience and love and effort that my friends put into easing me along and even months later, coming over and holding me when I wanted to run back as I was delusionally convinced it would be safer if I went back and threw myself on his mercy than to stay away. It was the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t through and through.

I can’t say your mum is just like me, she may be stronger like you. But I think if you get to someone via Womens Aid and tell your story they will know enough to help you decide what you can do.