Background: I’ve been happily married ten years, and have one DD age 3. We’re currently expecting number 2, who is due in June.
I met DH at uni, and as I am the youngest of 4 I needed to live at home and work a lot in order to afford uni. Like most people at our uni he came from another county and lived in houses/halls of residence etc during term time. For work reasons we ended up settling down in my home town, only about ten mins from my parents. His parents live a 5 hour drive away. My parents are older too - his are only just retired, mine have been for about 7 years now. This is important because his parents are - just by circumstance - less involved with my DD. DD stays with my parents a lot, and my Mum pops over a lot to help out and play with her. DH and I also lived with my parents for three years to save for our house, and we get on well and are pretty close.
DHs parents were - until DD came along - pretty chilled out about the distance between us. We always used to visit each other a lot. Since DD came, everything has become very stilted and formal. I don’t know how to fix this and would like some kind advice please.
My MIL had a really tough time when DH was growing up. Over time, I’ve figured out that my FIL was emotionally abusive to both her and my DH for years. This still continues to some extent, but my FIL has changed a lot over time. It appears work stress used to spill over and badly impact on family life when he was younger. One example of his abuse was when one my MIL burnt the Sunday dinner. FIL loves roast dinner. He saw this as a personal slight as he’d ‘been at work all week’ (MIL did not work back then). He didn’t speak to anyone in the house for a week. My DH recalls watching his Mum cry and rock as she felt so lonely. He would only have been about 5. Another example would be that my MIL once scratched the family car. FIL is obsessed with cars and gets embarrassed if his ever become damaged. He threw MILs house keys out into the garden at night, and watched as she scrambled around for them, crying. DH tried to help. He was about 10 then. As you can imagine, I’m now quite standoffish around my FIL. I’m never not civil, I’m just aware I don’t want him as a very close friend. I love MIL and feel protective of her.
When DD was born, I had a hugely traumatic birth that I’ve had to seek help for since. When we finally got home, my in laws surprised us by being at our house. I panicked and rang my Mum to come over and cook a meal (it was evening time) and host everyone. I needed to get to bed and keep trying to feed. My FIL kept saying how awful I looked - and I did look awful. DH was trying to balance looking after me with hosting his parents. His Dad offered to take DH out for a meal and a pint to celebrate the new baby. DH was offended and said no, he wanted to stay with me and help. FIL went in a mood because ‘he was only trying to lighten the mood’. Eventually, my Mum (who worked a midwife for many years) was very tactful and suggested they go back to my Mums house and stay there the night. She said we probably just needed some space - which we did. They came back the next day and things were better.
Since that day, my MIL has always been very skittish around my DD. She has always asked permission to cuddle her, play with her etc as she ‘can’t bear to get in the way’. We’ve reassured her time and time again, but she always says ‘I know you are a team and don’t really want other people getting involved’. Not true! I invited her to stay and help when DD was tiny, but she didn’t come as she had to think of FIL.
She always goes on about how much ‘better’ me and DH are at parenting. This is based on nonsense like the fact that she has swimming lessons - which weren’t really a thing when DH was DDs age anyway.
I made a stupid comment at their house recently about the new baby. I said ‘I am going to hide in the house until I’m ready to come out!’. This was a comment in a conversation about celebrities who make birth and postpartum seem easy on Instagram. I saw my MIL panic. I immediately laughed it off and said I was only being silly. Later that day, my MIL took DH to one side and said she is coming up on the day new baby comes ‘whatever happens’. She said that they ‘can’t be kept away from this one’. DH was a bit freaked out and said we are going to play things by ear and see how the birth pans out before we invite anyone over. MIL looked hurt and said they would ‘pop over’ and not stay long. This isn’t possible - they live 5 hours away!
I see hoe much my MIL is struggling. I recognise her hurt and want to help. But I also want space. I want to be able to decide when I welcome people into the house. DH wants the same. How can we fix all of this? AIBU to put our needs first and then include them - regardless of the history? I don’t want to seem cold.