NC because I’m going on a bit of a rant about DH. I’m not even sure what I want from this post, but just feeling so upset tonight at DH and wonder if it’s just me. I’m finding him to be an utter idiot atm.
I’m in the last days of my first pregnancy. I worked up to the line to take the most time off for mat leave. My job is very demanding, taking long hours and was very hard during the pregnancy. DH had a career set-back during COVID with redundancy after 15years of service. He’s struggled to find stable employment since. He has been out of work for most of the pregnancy and I’ve been financially supporting our household. It has been a very difficult pregnancy, so in a way, it’s been helpful to have him available to go to the many many hospital appointments I had to attend. He is very intelligent, but so bad at interviews - he just waffles and refuses to practise. So he doesn’t improve. He’s been turned down for so many jobs, I think it’s affected his confidence.
He is kind hearted, he is thoughtful, but often not in a way that is helpful. He gives me a cup of tea every morning and has taken care of meals and laundry while I’ve worked, but he’ll also spend an age doing a non-essential hobby-DIY piece, when we desperately need things like the floors and the nursery done. The cot still isn’t made or the flooring ready and the baby will be here in a matter of days. I’ve given up on the flooring. The thought of the midwife/health visitor seeing it is making me so anxious/embarrassed.
He really wanted to be a dad. I’ve been on the fence about motherhood my whole life, but decided to go for it. We started off excited, but now I just feel so tired and alone. He insisted on going to an NCT course - I was heartened - I paid for it, booked it and he may as well have not gone. He showed very little engagement compared to the other dads. He took nothing away from it. So far, I feel I’ve thought about and bought every single fricken thing for the baby, right from thermometres to prams, cots and back-up formula. I realise he can’t pay, but he can at least research things, make lists and at least share the ‘thinking’ load. I went through the birth plan and hospital bags with him the other day and it was a struggle to get him to tune in and contribute to any of it. He acted like I’d thrown his day off by sitting down with him to go through it. He’s just bloody clueless and doing nothing about it.
Tonight I was showing him how to make a baby’s formula bottle - again he just zoned out and didn’t have a clue by the time I’d finished talking. His excuse was he’d never done it before. Well I haven’t either, but here I am learning and going through the instructions so the baby can be fed if I can’t BF. I’m just so fed up of the mental load and responsibility. I told him I’m fed up of him not tuning in and feeling unappreciated. He told me he’s sick of my complaining and putting down everything he does. It turned to an argument and escalated to shouting. He told me to shut up. I had a mug of tea in my hand and threw it across the hall in temper. I feel so full of sadness rage and am tired of him not being dependable. I wish I hadn’t of got pregnant with him, but I’m here now. I feel to tired to have this baby.
As I said, I don’t know what I want from this other than a rant. Im in tears and stressed out in these latter days of pregnancy. I feel like a horrid person. Am I? I feel like a serial nagger. But also like he is so stupid that it’s driving me crazy.