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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Issue with friend who never wants to visit me

18 replies

MrsBolly · 13/04/2023 00:00

I've known a friend for nearly 10 years and we have always met up with each other in the city where she lives which is 12-14 miles away from where I live. She has never ever visited me, where I live. I never thought of it before the pandemic but since coming out of the pandemic and me having got used to a quieter life where I live, I find myself no longer wanting to be the one who is always doing the travelling. I also work from home most of the week now, so by the time I've done a couple of days in the office that is enough for me and I don't feel the need to travel to the big city at weekends as much now. I feel its time we took it turn about. One time she met up with me half way but only did so because I pressed her to do so. Last time we met up, I met her in the city where she lives and she said we must meet up again soon. I said okay, you come to where I live next time. She looked at me with shock and said what do you mean. I said you come to visit me, because I have come to where you live, this time, and all of the other times. I also explained for me its a 2 hour round trip by bus so its a lot of time out of my day and I just don't have that to give now every time we meet up. I don't think she ever gave the travel time I did any thought because she likes to walk out her house for 10/15 mins to meet up. Finally, she agreed to commute to where I live and we have had a date in the diary for a while, but a few days ago she asked me could we meet up half way but she gave me no explanation. I don't have the time to travel to meet her as I only have a couple of hours free on this date so I said no and explained why. I asked her is there was an issue with her coming to where I live and if there was did she want to re-schedule. She ignored my question completely. She came back and said okay I'll come to you. I get a feeling she might still call off but its left me feeling irked. I know why because she thinks the big city is where it is all at and has made comments previously to me about how she could never live where I live. I think our friendship has probably run its course too, if I am honest, for many other reasons. I am wondering did she think after I agreed to a date that she just thought she could change the venue and I would agree to it. When I think to the one time we met up half way she kept making comment about how the big city is better and how she hated getting the bus etc. I know she will hate it when she comes to me. I am just not sure if I can cope with getting through dinner listening to her negative chat. I'm now thinking I'd rather stay home and just call off myself. But I realise its like kicking a can down the road and this issue is not going to go away!! Any good advice?

OP posts:
Wtfishappeningnow · 13/04/2023 00:05

I think you may have puns yourself up unnecessarily here. She’s coming to see you. If she cancels then yes maybe rethink but for now it’s fine

Wtfishappeningnow · 13/04/2023 00:05

Wound not puns

mamabear715 · 13/04/2023 00:09

Personally, I'd let the friendship drift..

AnyMucca · 13/04/2023 00:10

Stick to your guns. I think she'll cry off anyway. Only offer to meet up if you're going to be in the city, don't make a special trip.

jakephi · 13/04/2023 02:18

I hated that my best friend loved too far away for a long time. So I couldn't afford to travel even half way. But now she has moved closer I can make up for it. Not perfectly, but I can try and meet my friend where we are both making effort. Not just asking her to come 'home ' and I can meet her then

suburbophobe · 13/04/2023 03:02

Selfish that she makes you do all the travel/running....

She also sounds spectacularly dim.

I would be giving a wide berth in future.

DeeCeeCherry · 13/04/2023 03:03

I have a longtime friend like this. She drives, but only locally to her. Likes to meet up in her area only, but then moans she doesn't see much of me. I just tell her if she deigned to cross London at least occasionally, then she would. I'm in her area sometimes as its where I grew up so sometimes I'll tell her I'm around doing something or other and then she'll come over to meet me. But otherwise we just talk or message fairly regularly. I don't mind as I've known her ages & don't think it's something to lose friendship over. I have other friends that I see. All friends are different aren't they? It doesn't sound as if you have much of a bond with this friend OP, maybe let things drift for a bit

suburbophobe · 13/04/2023 03:11

not sure if I can cope with getting through dinner listening to her negative chat

Why are you putting up with this??

I ask myself the same. I have a friend like this.
It's just draining.
Sad, cos we have a friendship going back years.

Still trying to figure it out.
But, not all friendships are for ever. Sad, but true.

We have different paths in life.

Phoebo · 13/04/2023 03:49

I'd ask her, she might be afraid of travelling or something plausible. Otherwise though she sounds like a pretty crappy friend! If you like her, then maybe always suggest meeting halfway.

YellowGreenBlue · 13/04/2023 03:53

Give her a chance OP, maybe she won't cancel. But if she does then I see your point. It shouldn't be you always having to make the effort.

Awoooga · 13/04/2023 04:50

I wouldn’t cancel on her because then she’ll say you’re the reason she didn’t visit - even if it’s just that 1 time and she was going to cancel anyway.

SinisterIslandRoundabout · 13/04/2023 05:29

If she cancels then just respond with a breezy ‘oh well, not to worry’.

You can just let the friendship fade out naturally by being vague, taking your time to reply to further messages and don’t suggest meeting up again.

It doesn’t sound as though you get much from this friendship and if she valued you as a friend, she would make the effort to visit you or at least have a conversation as to why she won’t make the effort.

ZekeZeke · 13/04/2023 05:33

Wait to see if she cancels.
If she does you let the relationship slide.

MintJulia · 13/04/2023 05:41

Hopefully she won't cancel. Where will you take her if she does show up? Somewhere good, I hope, to show her all the fun isn't only available in the city. 🙂

MrsBolly · 14/04/2023 13:19

Guess who cancelled on me... plausible excuse, but still I was totally expecting it. Thanks for all the constructive comments. 😊

OP posts:
BMW6 · 14/04/2023 13:23

Oh well, if she suggests a future meet up a brisk "No, I'm busy for the rest of my life" should suffice

MrsBolly · 14/04/2023 13:34

😂😂😂😂

OP posts:
mamabear715 · 14/04/2023 13:44

Sorry, @MrsBolly :-(

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