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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Surely this isn’t an excuse?

11 replies

custardcreamo · 12/04/2023 20:49

relative in the family being unpleasant, causing trouble with two others and gaslighting others when they challenge her into thinking they are the problem

when i have spoken to her about this on the persons behalf she has told me she is xyz number of months postpartum and then accuses me of always looking for a bad motive in her behaviour and adding to her already difficult and busy life. some of it is plain mean towards another member of the family who in character would never stand up for themselves. i’ve been second guessing myself over raising it with her even though I did it nicely and anxious i’ve upset her if she might be fragile at the moment, but she doesn’t seem overly worried about upsetting anyone else! and I have been on the receiving end of drama with her before too plenty of times

at what point does this just become an excuse for really quite manipulative behaviour? it’s been ongoing before the baby if that matters so AIBU?

OP posts:
TheWorldsGoneMadAndSoHaveI · 12/04/2023 20:54

Theres zero point in telling someone like this about their behaviour, it wont change anything. The key is how you deal with it and setting boundaries to protect yourself

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 12/04/2023 20:56

when i have spoken to her about this on the persons behalf

Assuming you're all adults, why are you inserting yourself into a disagreement between two other people?

This sounds like a lot of self-inflicted drama. You can almost never go wrong with minding your own business.

PuffinsRocks · 12/04/2023 20:56

That depends on what she was like before, and what she is doing about her current state. She might already be trying to get help and languishing at the bottom of a waiting list. If she's always been like this, however, then no she shouldn't be using postpartum as an excuse.

Original poster
custardcreamo · 12/04/2023 21:08

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 12/04/2023 20:56

when i have spoken to her about this on the persons behalf

Assuming you're all adults, why are you inserting yourself into a disagreement between two other people?

This sounds like a lot of self-inflicted drama. You can almost never go wrong with minding your own business.

fair enough, I felt inclined to as I have been on the receiving end before and know how it can feel

OP posts:
Xjshdvf · 12/04/2023 21:10

It sounds like she’s doing the same to you when you try to get her to take responsibility for her behaviour. There isn’t really an excuse for her behaviour

Original poster
custardcreamo · 12/04/2023 21:14

PuffinsRocks · 12/04/2023 20:56

That depends on what she was like before, and what she is doing about her current state. She might already be trying to get help and languishing at the bottom of a waiting list. If she's always been like this, however, then no she shouldn't be using postpartum as an excuse.

yeh always been this way, particularly over the last few years

OP posts:
GulfCoastBeachGirl · 12/04/2023 21:19

fair enough, I felt inclined to as I have been on the receiving end before and know how it can feel

Personally I'd leave others to handle their interactions with her as they see fit. Confronting her about arguments she's having with other people makes you seem like a busybody who is spoiling for a fight.

Now if she's being rude or unreasonable to you, I don't believe being postpartum is an excuse. Set the same boundaries for her as you would anyone else in your life.

Original poster
custardcreamo · 12/04/2023 21:19

TheWorldsGoneMadAndSoHaveI · 12/04/2023 20:54

Theres zero point in telling someone like this about their behaviour, it wont change anything. The key is how you deal with it and setting boundaries to protect yourself

i think you’re right sadly though i find it really tough to accept that you can’t reason with someone when they’re like this

OP posts:
Original poster
custardcreamo · 12/04/2023 21:27

Xjshdvf · 12/04/2023 21:10

It sounds like she’s doing the same to you when you try to get her to take responsibility for her behaviour. There isn’t really an excuse for her behaviour

thankyou

OP posts:
Original poster
custardcreamo · 12/04/2023 21:45

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 12/04/2023 21:19

fair enough, I felt inclined to as I have been on the receiving end before and know how it can feel

Personally I'd leave others to handle their interactions with her as they see fit. Confronting her about arguments she's having with other people makes you seem like a busybody who is spoiling for a fight.

Now if she's being rude or unreasonable to you, I don't believe being postpartum is an excuse. Set the same boundaries for her as you would anyone else in your life.

thats completely fair enough it probably does make more sense to stay out of it where possible. thanks x

OP posts:
Original poster
custardcreamo · 12/04/2023 22:21

apologies for the drip feed, as I mentioned above the reason I have been so involved previously was because she has been this way with me and DH in the past too and seems to thrive off drama but then take a step back and make out everyone else is crazy. i don’t know if that’s her reality or if she knows she’s being manipulative

OP posts:
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