Aibu to be upset that dh rolled his eyes when I tried to talk to him

[Goingonandon]

Hi all,

I will start off by saying my dh has always been a very quiet person. He only speaks when needed and we have never had deep conversations. His father is the same.

At the moment we are in the thick of parenting young dc and do not get much time to chat and are often interrupted. We have dc with disabilities so often we are busy and just getting on with things. We don’t get much time to actually sit down during the day and sometimes the dc need care at night. We don’t get much time away as dcs needs are too much for family or babysitters. This is fine. I still really enjoy our life and feel fortunate for what we have. We do take the dc out together for activities but we are often separated as we focus and manage a dc each.
Neither of us has any interesting separate hobbies at the moment due to the above.

We mostly communicate only about dc or other day to day stuff but we don’t argue and get on well.

It has bothered me in the past that dh will often not respond verbally to me when I talk or ask questions or will just nod or grunt. This is who he is and communication has always been an issue. He has many other good qualities that balance this out. It’s worked ok mostly as I do enjoy my own company and peace.

Anyway, I’m really passionate about my career, I have worked very hard while raising disabled dc to maintain it and I have luckily been promoted a few times. It means a lot to me. I’m also passionate about researching and learning more and more about my dc disabilities so we can be experts in supporting them and getting the best treatment.

I probably do go on a bit about both because I don’t have much else to talk about and I do have some things to share. I don’t waffle on but do make the odd comment or conversation.

Anyway, after work I had come home and looked at what dc and dh had done today, they all showed me their creative activities and baking and I asked dh about some bits he had done and if he had enjoyed it. Then later we were all in the living room and I started telling dh about something difficult that happened at work today. It wasn’t a long conversation or completely negative but I kept getting broken off because of dc or dh kept walking away (which he often does) so it did take me a while to finish what I was saying. As I was speaking dh kept rolling his eyes and silently sighing. I asked why and he said I go on about work every day. He then said it’s negative. I was a bit taken aback and I said that I was just telling him about my day and that I had asked him about his and he just walked away. Aibu to be upset about this. It’s not like I went on and on for hours. I spoke all together for less than 5 minutes.
Now we are back to caring and chores and I feel really deflated. I didn’t finish my story but I have just let it go.

Aibu? I’m thinking maybe I do go on without realising but I don’t get to talk to many people and I work mostly alone. I’m not in the office much so I don’t get to speak to people often and it does get lonely.

Would this upset you?

Does DH work?

@FourBoysAndAFeline yes he does he works full time and I work 3 days. He was off with dc today due to childcare issues.

Honestly he sounds awful. What are his good points apart from being a helpful second carer? What do you do together? Do you even watch series together in the evenings and chat about them etc? Cook together? Anything?

My DH very rarely talks about work, as a subject matter it doesn't interest me, he tells me if funny things have happened with some of his long standing team, but on the whole he never mentions it.

I sometimes talk about the funny stories from my job, but not often.

We have never really been big on chatting work, obviously if it's something that would stress one of us out, playing on our minds, it would be discussed but we tend to chat about other things.

I am a bit of a chatter so I probably do talk about things he not always that interested in, stuff with friends who he knows, but he's never rude about it.

Has this incident in work upset you ?

When I'm tired and stressed, I can get ratty with my partner. I have been known to roll my eyes...

It's not great behaviour, but from everything you've said, I suspect he just struggles with chat generally and maybe, given he had the kids all day, was just tired and didn't want to hear about your work?

We all have our moments, especially when we have young families.

@Whatabouteverything no to be honest we don’t do much together anymore. We used to but we seem to have become bogged down with life. We do occasionally watch a film together but dc have night time needs so peaceful evenings are rare. We tend to just have downtime alone when the dc sleep. I read and he listens to music with his earphones in. He goes to bed with earphones in and falls asleep listening to music. I usually stay up later reading to get some me time and I’m up in the night so sleep towards the early hours. It’s a bit sad writing it down.

@Thinkbiglittleone yrs the incident at work is very serious for me. I didn’t tell him it in a negative way but it may be that it was because of the nature of the issue. It’s actually something that puts me at risk and was quite scary for me so I was sharing that.

@RememberingGoodTimes yes maybe it’s just the drudge getting on top of us.

You don't sound like a couple at all, 2 carers coexisting to help their kids with no love between them. It is sad but you need to decide if its a life you're happy with even just for now.

@Whatabouteverything yes seems so. The more I think about it the more I realise it’s me who suggests spending any time together and it’s me who starts all interactions. He’s obviously checked out of the marriage for whatever reason. I have a lot of thinking to do.

He obviously needs to communicate
You'll probably need counselling together to get through it. But that's if you want to. Good luck OP, he sounds so soulness and dispassionate I think you'd be better off frankly.

He only speaks when needed and we have never had deep conversations. His father is the same.

Are your children autistic, because this description of your husband and FIL sounds like an autistic trait to me.

It sounds like you're clogging a dead horse, OP. Both your lives sound like all work, no play, and I'd be bored too. Sorry.

flogging!

It sounds to me like you both live busy and stressful lives - you both work, you have disabled children who need a fair amount of care and no real outside support.

It's not really surprising to me that you don't communicate much - your lives are taken over with other things. Add in the fact that your DH was never a big communicator to begin with and I'm not really surprised that it's worse now.

I don't think his behaviour is necessarily a sign that he's checked out, more that he's probably stuck in a routine with no real time out and he's a bit fed up of that.

I wondered about that too.

I'm really shocked that he gets up and walks off when you are trying to talk to him. That is so rude.

Your H is rude and uncaring.

Eye rolling is a deeply unattractive way of communicating hostility.

Tell him you want about ten minutes of his undivided attention and let him know how you feel about his barefaced rudeness and his lack of interest in you and your life as an individual beyond the mum role.

Insist on him hearing you out. Tell him you want to know how he intends to fix the problem his stonewalling and the grossly immature eye rolling has caused.

Your husband reminds me of my ex boyfriend, whom I left after meeting my current husband. When I realised being tolerated wasn't as nice as being enjoyed...

Your relationship sounds like lots I know where the kids are young, especially with additional needs.

All relationships have ebbs and flows, this is a high time of stress and demand on you both, it's ok that the relationship isn't perfect.

It will get easier. Keep being patient with each other. Perhaps try to agree some time to do more together if you feel you need it. But really, these early years are tough on most relationships.

I know that when I've had a day at home with ds I can feel a bit overstimulated by the time my dh comes home. And I always ask him about his day but if I'm really really honest I often filter out what he's saying and go into my own head while nodding along because what I actually need is a bit of quiet and time to myself. If your dh isn't normally eye rolling at you then I'd suggest he's been feeling overwhelmed and hasn't expressed it given he's so introverted. I'd go back to him later when he's had a bit of time to himself and say that hurt your feelings and you wanted to check in about what was really happening and how can you prevent it in future.

Thanks everyone.

it’s possible he’s autistic I suppose. My dc are but they are not his biological dc, doesn’t mean he isn’t though.