To think I will really struggle to meet someone in this situation?

[amelllypghury]

37, one dc, 18 months. I was left in pregnancy (he had an affair so technically I left him). He’s been absolutely awful and although pays maintenance via cms, he has nothing to do with the baby he ‘desperately wanted.’ I am running the entire household alone and moved back to family just after the birth for morale support. My mortgage is higher but I’m managing it. The main issue is I am in the countryside, really missing being close to the city for work but have pressure from family not to move back as they will see dc less… and if they do I obviously have even less help than now! I am dashing to work and back to nursery, have zero time to myself, can’t find a sitter I trust and don’t feel I want to do that anyway. I just feel crushed, constantly. Ex isn’t even with anyone now and still has nothing to do with dc. I’m totally alone. I would have LOVED more children or at least one more and that seems impossible now. I’m so sad.

You sound like you are coping incredibly well and have made practical changes that are in your and your DC's best interest for now. It won't be like this forever. It really won't. Birth to school years feel like forever when you are enduring them., but life gets so much easier once they start school. You could move back to the city. Maybe look for an au pair or child minder to cover before and after school if you don't want DC in clubs for long hours.
And then gradually you'll get your life back and make time to socialise and date. It won't be forever.

Sorry to hear that but I’m glad you have some family support for you and baby. Sounds like it’s a good decision to stay close to them for the meanwhile to make sure you have enough support.

Dating is one thing but I don’t think it’s a great time to introduce a new man into your household if you have a child under 5 and still recovering from a bad breakup.

I’d be concerned about the risk of attracting predators for one. I’ve seen this happen in a few cases where the woman has been so keen to crack on and have a second child with someone else shortly after a breakup, the man has sniffed the vulnerability and she’s missed red flags and long story short ended up with two kids and 2 absent fathers.

That said single parents meet people all the time so perhaps in the future when you’re a bit more settled.

That sounds a tough situation, but one day your child will be really proud of how you've stepped up and done all this.

I don't want to be unsupportive when you sound like such a trooper and an absolute hero, but I think YABU in one detail:
I can't find a sitter I trust and don't feel I want to do that anyway
Sometimes "perfect" isn't on the table, so we have to make do with the best we can. It is worrying that you can't trust anyone with your 18mo. I was the same with my first baby and in hindsight I wish I had challenged myself over it. That high bar for babysitters suggests excessive anxiety or inflexibility, and this obstacle is going to make it very difficult for you to go on dates. Obvs you don't "need" to date, but if you want to, you'll need to be more flexible, OR get your family too babysit. Unless you live on an island with a population of 5, it's highly unlikely that there is no suitable babysitter around. However, a good option may involve more work to find - asking around, asking at mother and toddler groups maybe, asking on local Facebook groups for recommendations, ask at churches, just keep brainstorming.
In this age of dating apps you can, at least, do a lot of the legwork from your phone. It is just a way to meet people that you can do from home. It's also a numbers game, so eg you could say to yourself "I'll go on 10 dates with 10 different people, just to see how I feel about this stuff, but expecting anything to come of it".
Good luck to you and for all you've done so far.

@NotHangingAround thank you. I guess I feel that once they’re in school I will likely be too old for more dc anyway. I will be over forty.

@DivorcedAndDelighted thanks, I actually don’t even let my family babysit, I’m just too anxious about it! I know I would have more freedom then, I just find it so hard. I never wanted life like this.

1. the days are long but the years are short
2. start trusting sitters. You will find someone. It's not rocket science looking after an 18 month old
3. beware of men who are predators.
4. I do think you are overthinking this because of your age. If you were younger then your responsibilities would be a segue from childhood to adulthood. It was for me. It's not so much. With all due respect I can promise you, it will get easier. It's not that bad.

If you are to have any sort of adult social life, you've got to use a babysitter and the easiest option is a family member, initially. Talk to the relative who your child is closest to. Discuss leaving your child with them for an hour while you wait outside to monitor how they cope without you, this should reassure you. Then you could graduate to half a day, an evening etc. You need some time to yourself.

Anxiety as a mother is so difficult, but you need to tackle it because it not only makes your own life much harder, but can seriously impact your child too. You need to get a life, and your child will have a better life as you do so. Recognise that you are making a choice about whether to use babysitters or not.

I recently attended a talk by a child psychotherapist who specialises in teen anxiety, which is now at epidemic proportions, and she emphasised the importance of parental anxiety as a contributing factor from both the nature and nurture perspectives. Challenging your own anxieties now will pay dividends for both of you.

These are worth a look and listen (podcast more entertaining, has additional content) :

When anxiety hurts your kids - podcast

www.drpsychmom.com/2022/01/01/is-your-anxiety-hurting-your-child/