Is anyone else's mum like this?

[mossystone]

I know she loves me but I get the feeling at times that she doesn't much like me. Maybe resents me.

Often little digs. The most recent one was that I've never done a days graft in my life. I've worked since being a teenager but it has usually been office based work, nothing manual whereas she has a job where she has to stand all day. Also digs about money - she and my dad lent me some money years ago to get on the property ladder (their insistence not mine) which has long since been paid back but she still brings it up. She has very little to do with my youngest dc (again her own choice) but when dc cries or doesn't want to hug grandma it's my fault because I won't let her have them. If I attempt to argue back she just gets totally passive aggressive and it all becomes very unpleasant.

I see other mums and daughters getting along like friends and sometimes me and my mum are like that but often I get these snide comments and I just think...why? We lost my dad a few years ago and since then she has understandably become a bit jaded and bitter at the world. But this attitude towards me has been going on for years. She also drinks heavily which makes her even more spiteful.

I get the feeling she thinks I've had a very charmed life but it's really not the case. Almost like she's rewritten my childhood in her head and painted herself as a martyr and me as a spoiled brat.

I don't know how to improve things.

I didn't want to read and run. My DM was very difficult. I know she loved me but she was always telling me off about little things, which was very wearing, and also some of her decisions about me were really selfish. This having a go didn't change when I was an adult although she did mellow a bit eventually. Looking back, I now think she was really hormonal , which affected her moods, but she couldn't help it. She died in 2018. Advice? Don't take it to heart. Be patient with her but limit your time to an hour (or whatever you can stand) and when she has a go, leave!

My 19yo works in a bar, her Dad and I work with computers mainly, according to her we don’t understand the meaning of hard work. Acceptable in the young and arrogant, less so in an older person.

What a strange contribution.

Just leave her be. The magic mother/ daughter bond is just a fake Disney notion. The mothers that are close worked at that over the years some people just never take to parenting nor bond with their children. Focus on the people that enhance your life.

Drinking heavily may have lots to do with it, it causes depression and wrecks relationships. My own DM is not easy and I'm envious of others who have a friend and supporter in their own mothers.

Hard as it might seem to people, in the 70's, good parenting meant that feeding, housing and keeping your child alive was a result and anything else was icing on the cake.

I think the main reason for all these is that your mum is not a nice person. Sorry, it happens and it doesn’t reflect on you at all.

Ask yourself a question: would you be friends with her if she’d be your neighbor or your colleague?

Look up narcissistic parents, especially narcissistic mothers and see if she checks the boxes.

I’ve had lots of the same. Previous PPs advice is the best I’ve heard - to be patient but limit your time. I find the rewriting of the past the most difficult - makes me feel like I’m not on solid ground.

I don't think you're the problem OP. She sounds hard work. Try to accept that it's her issues are hers alone to deal with and distance yourself emotionally from her ups and downs as much as you can.

Everything she says is a reflection of how she feels about herself. You are her punching bag and she is your emotional terrorist.

I think you should massively distance yourself before your children start to be impacted by this toxic dynamic.

No I don’t think this is normal, my mother always thinks the best of me! I do however have some family like this, it’s horrible and resentful. A mother shouldn’t be like that. It’s not your fault, you deserve better.

My mum used to create situations where we would inevitably argue, she enjoyed it. I think she was bored and enjoyed the drama. As early as when I was five years old, she pushed me off her lap after I had apologised for something that wasn't even a big deal of anything.
She asked me once if I was taking laxatives as I looked too skinny knowing full well I wasnt. She just said it to be spiteful. She persuaded me that I was a size 12 when she knew I was a small size 8. All because she was conscious of her own weight. Gaslight me into believing it was all in my head when I had very worrying health symptoms. Later got diagnosed with chronic autoimmune issues. No apology from her even though she had been yelling at me about it days before saying nobody likes a hypochondriac.
When I was in my early twenties she would berate me for going out at 9PM saying 'It's nearly bedtime.'. Lied to a friends mum about me being in a relationship even though I was long term single. Persuambly because she was ashamed of me. Told me that I was a weak person just like her.
Always been the scapegoat in the family basically. Even now there are constant digs about my single status, my job and not doing enough (even though she was able to retire very early due to my dad being a high earner and hasn't had to work in many, many years and has no physical health issues,) she is highly critical, judgemental, massively anxious and oversensitive to anyone who criticises her. Yet what confuses me is that on a practical level and financial level she can be very generous. It's a complete headfuck. So I hear you OP, you're not alone in how you feel x