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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not give my 3 year old dd a huge nursery party?

38 replies

mummyloveslucy · 14/02/2008 19:04

My daughter will be 3 soon, and we've decided to have a nice relaxed birthday tea at home with one little friend and her parents. Lucy isn't good with huge groups of people, she gets overwhelmed and just wants to sit with us and not join in anything. It is her birthday after all so it should be spent doing things that make her happy.
The problem is all the girls from the nursery have big party's and invite everyone. They hire halls or soft play centres, some even hire clowns, bouncy castles etc. One of the Mums said to me recently, your daughters birthday is soon. Where will you have her party? When I explained that she wouldn't be having one as such, she seemed quite shocked. I don't want to be the talk of the nursery for rebelling against the party idea, but at the end of the day it would be a huge waste of money for somthing that was just to show off to others. I want her to grow up finding happiness in simple things rather than thinking you have to spend loads. Maybe next year I might brave it.(if that's what she wants.)Am I doing the right thing?

OP posts:

MrsMattie · 15/02/2008 13:53

No party for my son's third birthday. He gets too overexcited and ends up tantrumming and not enjoying it at all. A trip to the park, a nice birthday tea with just him, me & his dad, and then a family lunch the following day - it was perfect. He had a little celebration at nursery with his friends, and that was enough for him, I think.

Astrophe · 15/02/2008 13:58

You are doing the right thing - no question. Birthdays should be about celebrating your child with people who love her, and who she loves, not about paying out a fortune to entertain other people's kids for 2 hours, many of whom will have no real relationship with your DD.

tassisssss · 15/02/2008 14:00

ds had a party at home for his third with about 10 friends, some of their siblings and most of the parents. Lots of free play, a few games, a wee crafty bit and food. He loved it.

Astrophe · 15/02/2008 14:00

As a concession/extra celebration, you could send a cake or fairy cakes to nursery for the children to have with their dinner or snack.

Tommy · 15/02/2008 14:08

we've always had parties at home for the DSs (6 so far for DS1, 3 for DS2 and 1 very small for DS3 this morning!). I refuse to get into competitive partying - it's ridicuous - especially when it is expected that you invite all the class or whatever.

You have to do what's right for you and your family.

Have fun

sherby · 15/02/2008 14:17

Our playschool has a policy that you have to invite all or nothing. Apparently one or two children were never being invited and were subsequently very upset so you either don't invite anyone or you have to invite all 15!

So if you add that to the 3 or 4 children DD would want to come from her Friday music type group and 2 children from our Le Leche plus our friends children that she plays with it is over 25 odd children.

She is 3 in June I am thinking of just dumping them all in the garden with a clown and some cake and then sodding off to the beach

ecoworrier · 15/02/2008 14:22

Sherby, that sounds ridiculous - how on earth can a playschool dictate who you can invite? They can insist you don't give out invitations at playschool to avoid upset, that sounds reasonable, but not who you invite. I've never heard anything so stupid.

As to the original question - we have never had a big party for any of our 3 children and they have not been deprived in any way. They have had either a family tea, a party at home for 3-5 friends plus our own children, or a 'treat' - a family day out or other activity we do as a family.

I truly hate parties where the whole class is invited, they are so meaningless. Better to have a smaller party with friends or relatives you really know and like.

perpetualworrier · 15/02/2008 14:24

You are absolutely right. For my DS2's 3rd birthday I did a birthday tea at home and the only organised activity was a treasure hunt in the garden. Apart from that we just left them to it with some of DS's larger toys (no small bits to get lost) I'd invited about 10, but chicken pox struck and we only had 5.

The children loved it and as they were leaving one of the mums said it was the most relaxed she'd ever been at a kid's party. I took that as a compliment

sherby · 15/02/2008 14:32

Yes eco that's exactly what I thought, but apparently they talk about what happened at the party and the others feel left out. Which I can kind of understand as we all know it isn't nice to be excluded from things.

I think it might be a good job we have a relatively big garden!

Do the parents still stay at this age? I suppose they do don't they!

PortAndLemon · 15/02/2008 14:38

sherby -- but they can't dictate it. They can be unhappy about it, they can make requests, but a playschool can't dictate to you who you do and don't invite to a private party in your own time on your own budget.

And I don't think three-year-olds do feel left out, or at least they don't distinguish between not being invited and being invited but not being able to go. Presumably if the preschool has a policy that you must invite all or none then they also have a policy that you must accept all invitations issued to your child, so that he/she doesn't feel left out when other children talk about a party that he/she couldn't attend?

ecoworrier · 16/02/2008 18:43

Sherby, children of that age really don't talk much about each other's parties. I work in a playgroup and children often mention when it's their birthday and sometimes where they're having a party, but it's never an issue. I've only rarely heard a child say 'I'm going to X's party' and never once heard anyone talk about it AFTER the event.

The playgroup can request you invite everyone - and I actually think that's still wholly unreasonable - but they can't force anyone to comply with this.

lizziemun · 16/02/2008 19:46

DD1 has just turned 4 and hasn't had a 'big' party yet.

I perfer to spend money on 'nice' party (no cheap plastic bits) and have a small tea party for her freinds and a lunch for family.

I just do a buffet on the dinning table and people just help themselves. DD1 and her freinds just play as if it is a playdate.

For the last 2 yrs everyone said how nice it been because we (adults) can just have a chat while the children can just play have no pressure to act in a certain way IYKWIM. Although I think dd1 suffers a bit because she the youngest of her freinds so is at a party every weekend from the beginning of Dec until the end of Jan, so dd1 and her freinds are all partied out.

Smithagain · 16/02/2008 20:37

Sounds exactly like DD1's third birthday party. A proper birthday tea with us and her grandparents. She loved it and she still remembers it fondly, two years later. She'd have HATED a big party.

at Sherby's pre-school. None of their business who gets invited to a private party. Surely they should be concentrating on helping the children learn to be more inclusive, while also growing to understand the reality that not everyone gets to go to every party? That's more their territory IMO

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