How can you tell if you are grieving or depressed?

[griefordepression]

My mum died 2 months ago. It was all really awful, and I was grieving in terms of not numb or pushing away feelings, but I was sort of coping-ish.

However, over the last couple of weeks I have nosedived. I've given up my job that I love - it just feels meaningless now. I don't want to be around people really at all. I feel almost resentful of 'friends' who basically have been a bit shit, even though that's partly me as I can't be bothered with them, but the fact they've been shit makes me want to drop them. Luckily, I still have a very close best friend who I love dearly.

Self care is sometimes almost impossible - it feels so pointless. Then, other days I feel so much better eating well and having a long hot shower and feel a flicker of interest in going back to my yoga classes.

Quite literally I don't feel like myself, it's like some of my personality has been scrubbed away and it's scary at times?

I don't know if I have tipped into depression or if this is still grief?

I feel like I don't have the mammoth amount of energy to sustain a healthy life, and build enjoyable things into it, is that not basically depression?

that sounds like depression, triggered by your grief. I think you need to see your gp regardless of which it is because you need help either way. I’m sorry for your loss and sorry you’re feeling so bad now too.

I've seen the gp when it was mainly anxiety that was the issue, and was offered ssris. Is there anything else the gp can do?

I am on two lists for counselling as well. One was meant to have spaces in April but I've not heard anything and in a way I think that coincided with everything starting to get worse. Not that there's much counselling can do, so that doesn't even make much sense.

Months after my dh passed away, I was concerned that I was still crying on and off. I felt a bit alone and down, but was still capable of doing my job, life admin etc. I went to see a grief counsellor who explained that I was just sad, not depressed and it was a relief to me to find this out.
Sorry OP, but you sound like you have depression as your low feelings seem to extend to all aspects of your life.

Yes it does feel like depression admittedly. It's like everything in me has ground to a halt, and I can't get a sense of a bigger picture.

I mean, enjoying the small things...always been quite good at that.

Now I enjoy my cup of tea and then an hour later feel so hopeless because it's ridiculous and empty, and that's all that's left. Everything feels bleak and ridiculous.

I am sorry for everyone who has experienced grief. Or depression. It all is really shit.

The way you've described everything you're feeling reads like a text book case of depression. The lack of interest in doing things, the self care sliding, feelings of hopelessness, the lack of energy, to not feel like 'you' any more.

To diagnose depression practitioners usually use a set of questions with a score, and virtually every single question would be covered by what you've said you're feeling. I expect you'd get at least a 'moderate' score for depression, if not more.

While it might pass I'd get this seen to and consider the offer of ssri's. Be kind to yourself, try to make sure you're eating well, sleep when you need to (part of the recover process you'll typically hit a patch of sheer exhaustion that goes on for days if not weeks) and worth mentioning a second time....be kind to yourself.

Hand hold to you OP. I am grieving for the loss of my partner 16momths ago through suicide. I sought help nearly after 8 months. The counsellor told me I had depression. I questioned this as I said I go to work etc. It shocked me. I thought it was sadness. If I didn't have to go to work I would lie in bed and eat all Galaxy all day. The tears can just come on u at any time I know. My friend told me I had lost my.joy😫please be kind to yourself,remember that in time you will learn to live along side your grief,acknowledge the good hours or moments in a day and also seek help. It sounds like you have got depression. Take care.

Hi OP, I'm really sorry that you are feeling so awful. I lost my mum 18 years ago and I remember this feeling very well. I'm not sure that the distinction between grief and depression is relevant. The important thing is that it is having a severe impact on your life - you have given up work and are struggling to interact with those around you. It sounds to me that you would benefit from some help, grief counselling, medication or a combination of the two. It does get better, I promise. There are charities that can point you in the right direction, or visit your GP. www.cruse.org.uk/understanding-grief/effects-of-grief/grief-and-depression/

2 months is nothing. You sound depressed but still grieving. Of course you’re sad, completely normal. So sorry about your mum. Give yourself time to recover.

Oh OP I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.

I can somewhat relate as I lost my husband to cancer.

It's tough. Give yourself a pat on the back and take things one step at a time. Things that helped me

1. Write a 'grateful' diary......one sentence each day....something you're thankful for, even if it's only being grateful for fresh running water
2. Get some exercise every day even if it's only a ten minute walk, close yo nature if possible
3. Be kind to yourself
4. Do something each week for someone else to help them. Could be as little as only taking one thing to a charity shop
5. Try and eat wholesome food 70 to 80pc of the week
6. Hold that best friend close
7. Try to catch up with other friends maybe once a fortnight.......just an hour for a walk or coffee. I found when I wasn't feeling great I could only tolerate people I wasn't so close to for short periods, otherwise it would deplete me. Try and meet people who can put a smile on your face, if only for a few mins
8. Do something productive eg tidy a drawee

OP these are all things that helped me. Thinking of you as I know it's not an easy path x

It could be either OP - 2 months is still really early days 💐

For context it took me about three months (with SSRIs) to feel even remotely normal after my DM died suddenly. It was at least six months before I felt myself again and even years later it’s left it’s mark and I’m not 100%. It’s certainly not consuming though and I enjoy life 99% of the time.

Keep taking the SSRIs (or speak to your GP if you feel they aren’t helping) and maybe consider bereavement counselling a little further down the line.

also, have you allowed yourself time to grieve? My bereavement counsellor pointed out that we are really bad at grieving in this country and that you have to “feel it” to get through it, and not try and force it or push it away. It just takes time.

Im sorry for your loss and I hope life feels better for you soon.

I've grieved my mother, and had depression, separately.

For me, grief was characterised by intense sadness, longing, devastation, craving her. I felt like my body was going to turn inside out from crying at times. It was acutely painful, and almost refreshing at the same time to feel so emotionally connected to her. Outside of the crying jags and waves of grief though I felt okay, could work fine, see friends, have enjoyment.

Depression was like... man, it's hard to even describe. Before having it I didn't know what it was like at all and thought it might be like sadness. It was just an overwhelming and CONSTANT state of feeling like I didn't want to exist anymore. Persistent, constant thoughts on a loop of what a piece of shit person I was, that everyone would be better off without me, that I should do everyone a favour and disappear. Constant voice in my head telling me to hurt myself as it's all I deserved. A total lack of enjoyment. Previously I'd relish an evening to myself to relax, play some games, watch TV, read a book. While depressed I was actually terrified of free empty time as I didn't know what to do with myself and the minutes felt like hours. I wanted to sleep all the time to just pass time, didn't want to see anyone.

In my experiences, GPs don't really bother to differentiate. I was diagnosed with depression based on the PHQ9 questionnaire a couple months after she died and I even said, I'm not depressed, I'm grieving, but that questionnaire was enough for them to offer antidepressants. They can help with grief too if it's too overwhelming to cope. I only went for a physical health issue and they heard my mum had just died and assumed everything was related to that.

I didn't feel like I started properly grieving until it'd been six months after the death and until that point I was really okay.

The thoughts of 'everything is pointless'... are they just because? Or is it 'everything's pointless now she isn't here?' if that makes sense?

It sounds like grief and depression OP. I’m so sorry for your loss. I know already that I am going to be bereft when my mum dies and dread it with every fibre of my being.

My advice would be to take things very, very easy on yourself. Go through the motions as much as you can just to stop yourself from sliding into a worse situation. You may as well me miserable and clean and fed as miserable and dirty and hungry.
Go to the GP too xxx

May I ask how you are now? My dear Mum died last week. The pain is unbearable. I can't imagine feeling normal again 😭

Hello there,
My condolences. You just lost your mum. Give yourself a break. It is okay to feel sad and lose your way a little. Take your time to find your way through this.
Don’t rush into medicalising it. Just take some time, evaluate your life and how you want to live it. You are mortal too.

Best wishes, really, I lost my mum too.

But then everyone will.