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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sick of being hurt by DH

16 replies

AnotheUserName · 11/04/2023 21:57

DH has mental health issues caused by a disability which has led to drinking. Lots of issues over the past few years. He moved out yet we"re still together.

He has stopped drinking a few weeks ago and was being so pleasant. I don't know if he has been drinking again but I do know he hasn't slept for the past two nights because he was so stressed about a work presentation. He's now taken it out on me today as I went to the office and he WFH ( in my house) looking after the children . He was supposed to have them to stay tonight to look after them do I could tidy for DD friend staying tomorrow. I got upset when he said he d now only gave one child. When I got in he was angry and was frustrated as he'd been yelled out all day by the girls and then I came and got Cross. He feels like he gets attacked at all Angles and he is hardly done by but he is the one that is angry and yelling. He exploded and had a huge go at me and said the house was a disgrace. It always is. I just asked for some help as the Kids don't stay at his really as it's too far away. So he can help here as they are always here . ( As 8s here) he yelled at me fir around 45 mins on and off about how I have issues with clutter. I said I'm under such stress dealing with him. He thinks that is ridiculous. This is not me I'm not like this but I am v stressed and my dad is very shouty and stressful . So it's a living hell sometimes. I want to let him know it's not ok to speak to me like that. I want to say family therapy or that's it. What can I do. He is borderline abusive with these words as it is so hurtful when I do most of the childcare and they are with me. Or in this house. Please help.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 11/04/2023 22:18

Divorce him; let him take the kids out not see them in your house and move on

Smokingonthestairs · 11/04/2023 22:23

What he’s trying to say is ‘let me back, you’re useless without me’ . Which is of course what he desperately wants you to be.
don’t fall for it. Houses get messy when you’re juggling everything alone. But a messy house is better than a messy marriage . Divorce him and get in with your life.

UndercoverCop · 11/04/2023 22:26

Whose children are they? Your children and he's trying to work that looking after them, but much. His children, he should've booked time off to watch them. Either way if he doesn't like your home I'm sure he knows where the door is.

SpacePotato · 11/04/2023 22:35

Well the good thing is that he's already moved out.

Enough is enough op. You don't have to put up with this man's abuse, regardless of any physical or mental health issues.

Original poster
AnotheUserName · 11/04/2023 22:41

They are our children. They won't go to his place much - they don't like it and it's too far from school. He blames me for them not wanting to go.

He tells me it's not normal having dirty dishes in the sink etc but honestly I am paralysed with stress so often and can't even cook as I feel stressed. Some of it is perimenopausal anxiety but much of it is him.

When I text and say I'm in.tears and the kids are screaming, he says I can't cope and that everything falls apart without him. Laughable. He can't cope with life which is why he drinks. He yelled at me for the dishes try them did them all. He's trying to say you can't do without me.

L

OP posts:
Original poster
AnotheUserName · 11/04/2023 22:42

Space potato what do I do. I am financially and childcare reliant. It's a mess.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnotheUserName · 11/04/2023 22:45

He denies drinking but he has been really nice this past few weeks and now his mean side comes out so I guess it's drinking. He will be mean and angry until he stops.

OP posts:
Atethehalloweenchocs · 11/04/2023 23:02

MH is no excuse for bad behaviour. Family therapy or the end of the relationship, it is up to him to decide.

Tinkerbyebye · 11/04/2023 23:19

Stop phoning him ams telling him what’s going on

stop letting him into your house, and insist the kids go to his on his contact time

Murdoch1949 · 12/04/2023 00:27

Change the locks, don't let him come in, drop children off at his house, if they want contact. He is gaslighting you.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/04/2023 00:32

Get a proper access arrangement sorted out.

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 12/04/2023 03:33

I’ve voted YABU - for still being married to that awful man.

Hope you’re able to find a way out 💐

heartbroken22 · 12/04/2023 03:51

Is there something in the water? My husband is being similar to in the sense of being a pig and expecting me to do all the housework and calling me lazy. Well if I'm lazy then I'll show him how lazy I am and not do anything. Ignore ignore ignore he just wants to hurt you.

Original poster
AnotheUserName · 12/04/2023 08:13

The awful thing is, he is not awful this is his addiction coming out. It makes him mean. Sadly it is him right now.

I'm trying to do mediation at the moment. It's just not feasible for them to go to his place as it's so far from school.

I am so stuck. It's quite complex.

I'm hearing all your points.

He is not even tidy that is the thing.

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 12/04/2023 08:24

Honestly I think you need to find a way to manage without him. Take a step back and focus on you and the kids. Don’t contact him and don’t let him babysit in the house if he’s going to behave like that- either the kids go to his or he takes them to a restaurant or something. Don’t send him texts about the kids etc winding you up- he’s not going to help anyway. Either text someone else or find a different coping mechanism (WiFi off until they behave, time out in rooms etc).

The clutter/ mess is a different issue- is it bothering you/ affecting how you live? If so then yes you should try to sort it out. Can the kids help? Are they old enough to do some chores themselves? Or can you do a movie night a few times a week where they watch TV and you get some bin bags and a charity box and blitz one room each time. But if you think he’s exaggerating and you and the kids are broadly happy and healthy then don’t stress- not everyone has to live in the same way and he doesn’t get to dictate how you live anymore.

Heronwatcher · 12/04/2023 08:26

Also, I’m not sure a medication is worth it if he’s behaving like this. And does he have to live so far away? If he does then why can’t they go there on a weekend at least, like every Sunday afternoon?

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