To expect more from him

[shinyrainbow1]

Husband and I are going through a really rough patch. I'm currently getting my ducks in a row and he knows this. He doesn't want me to leave, he doesn't understand why I want to leave.

I'm a teacher so currently off for Easter, have 2 kids 2&3. So I've been home with them today. They're really hard work obviously, as toddlers are so my day is filled with activities, keeping on top of the house work. When the youngest naps, the oldest has his iPad and I do a couple of hours school work.

We went for a walk to the park earlier, got home at 5. Made them tea and prepared ours, my husband came home as they were eating. Went straight up to bath them both and get them ready for bed, he helped with this, he always does. I had a fitness class booked for 7 so I didn't get time to clean up after dinner. told him to turn our dinner on to heat up at 8.00. I got home at 8.15 and he hadn't warmed up the food, said he thought he'd just wait for me. Kids food plates still sat on the table. I heated dinner and we ate. He put his plate in the dishwasher and went and sat down. So I asked if he was planning to help clean up, his reply was.. you've been home all day and been to the gym, he's been work so why should he have to clean up mess I've made.

My issue is, it isn't just during the holidays when I'm off. It's the same when I work. He helps with the kids, entertains them, plays with them, puts them to bed but he never cooks, cleans or does any of the prep work for the next day. Admittedly this isn't required during the school holidays but surly he should still do what needs to be done.

In terms of me going to the gym, that was heavily encouraged by him; he pays because he said I need to start taking care of myself and starting to feel better about myself. He has 2 hobbies that take up whole days at weekends so it isn't like I go to the gym every evening and he doesn't get time. He does. I specifically said I wasn't joining the gym because I don't have time to work full time, parent full time and go gym, he said he'd help.

AIBU to expect to come home this evening and find he'd cleaned up and heated dinner? I think I'm loosing my sense of reality.

Not unreasonable at all, you are both adults sharing a household. You need to sit and have a conversation about expectations.

He sounds incredibly petty, it doesnt take much to pop a couple of plates in the dishwasher, but leaving them there is a loud and clear message. Having a 2 and 3 year old all day is not a day off either, in fact I would find a day in the office more relaxing frankly. Id carry on getting my ducks in row, and stop doing anything for him.

He definitely should have cleared children's plates/cups away, all dirty equipment into dishwasher, then got table ready for the adult meal - we're talking minutes, not even half an hour. He also shouldn't have just put his plate in the dishwasher and left the room. Tell him what the normal expectation is, give him a chance to change, if he doesn't then it's his fault. Maybe he thinks that his helping out with children is enough, he's sadly misguided.

He doesn't want you to leave yet he is not prepared to put a few dishes in the dishwasher. If he is not even prepared to make some effort at this stage he is very mean . Its not the dishes but surely no one sits down until everyone can sit down. If he can't understand why you want to end the marriage maybe using last night as a very specific example would open his eyes.
Could you have some marriage counselling so he could hear someone outside the situation tell him he needs to step up big time.
The other thing you could do is not ask him to do his share for a week or two. Don't even mention it and see what he voluntarily does. But very obviously go ahead with your plans for leaving so he is forced to make a choice. Maybe discuss would he think its best he has the dc at weekends or during the week. Being so petty about the dishes is so unattractive even if he stepped up now he may have left it too late.

Sounds like he just sees cooking and cleaning up as woman's work. If he can't even figure out why you'd consider leaving then that's half the story right there.

Erm no I don't think it's unreasonable not warming your dinner, you would have complained if it was cold if he had but got delayed by 5 minutes lol.And if you can't get much done with only 2 you maybe need to re evaluate what your actually doing with your time. We have 4 and 3 are under 2.I dont give ipads etc, we play,cook and do chores.Then daddy comes home from a long day and also helps with all the bath bed stuff to.Yours works and comes home to help out with the kids thats good for him. To me you sound nit picky. Rather than make,find excuses why just not leave if thats what you want

this article

might be interesting, you're certainly not in a unique situation.

There is a really good book about this, Fair Play, and there is also a website.
One thing I found helpful was to frame time spent doing things in service of the family, as that, as the same thing. Time accounted for. Your husband spend 8 hours working in service of the family. You spent 12 hours keeping the kids alive and entertained. He is actually behind.
You got 1 hour at the gym, arguably me time.
He got 1 hour sitting on his butt looking at his phone, while you were at the gym, absolutely me time.

I have talked. I've told him exactly what I expect but he doesn't get it.

Whenever we talk things improve a little for a week or two and then it slides back. It's still never equal though. In his mind he does washing, he may put one load in on a Saturday morning. But I wash at least every other day.

He just really doesn't get it. He knew last time was the last chance to change and here we are again. I'm starting to feel guilty but I'm so unhappy. He has no idea, he doesn't even manage finances, doesn't even do the accounts for his business, I do. I do all the admin. There isn't a single thing he takes care of by himself.

The article summed it up well, he always says tell me and I'll do it and my argument is always.. who tells me what to do everyday. It's the thinking and organising and having to remember everything that annoys me. But clearly.. telling him to warm up dinner didn't work so telling him isn't always effective either!