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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I tidy/ clean for her?

24 replies

Bk1000 · 11/04/2023 18:54

I’m a dog walker and a lady I walk for was in a in a car accident a few days ago and I’ve been looking after her dogs as she had no one else to do it for her. I’ve mostly had the dogs at my house but today someone else is coming to collect the dogs so I’ve come back to the lady’s house to pack up food things for the dogs. Her house is quite messy, I’m not judgemental as I’m also a messy person so would probably be similarly caught out in this situation and I imagine she is probably embarrassed knowing I’m here digging around looking for all the dogs things while it’s so messy.

The issue is that there are dirty dishes and food lying around. Not like mountains of old rubbish just probably from the day/morning preceding the accident. I don’t know her that well but I don’t want her to come home from hospital to mould and flies. Should I clean up and wash the dishes or would this be over stepping the mark?

OP posts:

SapphosRock · 11/04/2023 18:56

How well do you know her?

Personally I would love that. Coming home to a messy house after a car accident sounds bleak. I would be very grateful to find the dishes done.

itsallgonepetetongagain · 11/04/2023 18:57

I think washing the dishes and getting rid of any food waste would be really kind and thoughtful 😊

JustDudeIt · 11/04/2023 18:58

I wouldn’t tidy up or move anything around, but I think it’s fine to wash up and empty the rubbish.

Mamapiggywig · 11/04/2023 18:59

No!!!!! You’ll be overstepping the mark and you are not friends . She might see that as you being judgey . She has friends , they should be doing this.

SBAM · 11/04/2023 18:59

Re-arranging her sock drawer would be a step too far, but a quick clean of used dishes, wipe around and empty the kitchen bin would be really thoughtful and potentially save her from a horrible mess when she gets out of hospital.

Ted27 · 11/04/2023 19:00

If it was me I would greatly appreciate you clearing up the food and washing the dishes, and maybe emptying the kitchen bin, also picking up the post.
And I would buy you a box of chocs and bottle of wine.
I wouldn't do any tidying up outside the kitchen though.
You are very kind to think about it.

OutDamnedSpot · 11/04/2023 19:00

Washing dishes and changing kitchen bin =
lovely.

anything more = overstepping

LuckyPaisley · 11/04/2023 19:02

I'd just clean up things like you said, dishes and hins

RoseGoldEagle · 11/04/2023 19:03

I think this would be a lovely thing to do!

LuckyPaisley · 11/04/2023 19:04

sorry hit send too early!

Things like dishes and bins that could attract flies and I'd explain this. Say you hope she doesn't mind but you didn't want her coming home to mould and flies on top of everything else she has to deal with right now.

CockSpadget · 11/04/2023 19:06

I’d do it OP, I doubt she would be anything other than grateful, given the situation she is in.

Mama2six · 11/04/2023 19:32

I would also do the dishes and bins maybe a little tidy around the living room like picking bits up off the floor but not too much I wouldn’t want to overstep, just make it comfortable for her.

CordyLines · 11/04/2023 19:44

If it were me, I'd do the kitchen/bins. I'd then contact her and tell her that you've done the essentials as you know she had to leave in a hurry, and would ask if there is anything else she would like you to do for her. She might need change of clothes etc. and if you were near the hospital she might appreciate that very much.

If she has other means of help, then leave it at the dishes/bins, which is very thoughtful of you, and no one could be offended by that, just pure grateful!

Beautiful3 · 11/04/2023 19:59

I think that I would.

melj1213 · 11/04/2023 20:18

YANBU

I think there's a big difference between "functional cleaning" and "cleaning up". The former is purely practical help - ensuring she doesn't come home to mould/flies on the dirty dishes and a stinky kitchen from the rubbish that has been sitting for days - and the latter is more judgemental, that you think her standards aren't good enough and wanted to do it better.

Personally in your situation I would just do the basics to make the place hygenic - so do the washing up and maybe give the worktops a quick wipe (I always do this when I do the washing up since I have a damp cloth to hand anyway) and taking the rubbish out to the bin outside. I might do some surface tidying that is going to make things easier for your friend when she gets home which will obviously be dependent on her actual injuries and what she can/can't do - eg if she had abdominal injuries and would struggle bending then I'd pick up the post from the mat and leave it on the table so it's easy to reach; if she was going to be using crutches then I'd make sure there was a clear path from the door to the sofa and pick up anything that was in the way or could easily be tripped over (eg in my house that would be DDs shoes she always kicks off in the hallway) etc

If you're worried she will be offended could you message her and say something like "I went into the house earlier to get Fido's water bowl/food/blanket etc ready for Sarah collecting him. While I was there I noticed the bin needed emptying and there was some plates on the side. I hope you don't think I'm overstepping but I would hate for you to come back to flies or mould if I had left them so I have popped the bin out and washed up the few bits that were out. Let me know if there's anything you want me to bring in and hopefully you will be home soon. XXX" That way you're keeping her informed and showing that you've only done the essentials to keep the place hygenic, you've not been reordering the spice rack or folding her underwear drawer.

UsingChangeofName · 11/04/2023 20:34

Washing the dishes, putting out the rubbish are things that she would probably have done later that day, if she were there, so that would be really nice of you , rather than them lying there until she is home (and possibly still not able to stand for long).
As a pp said re-arranging her sock drawer would be a step too far.

RocketIceLollie · 11/04/2023 20:43

I dunno, some people don't take nicely to evasion of their own space. You'd probably come across as judgemental I'm afraid.

Saying that I did finally give in to temptation and clean my father in law's loo yesterday after I used the bathroom. He's just not a cleaning type of guy. Bleach bottle next to the loo with dust on the bleach bottle same place for months situation.. Single man etc. It was bugging me for ages how dirty it was so I just did it and told him when I came down and he said thank you.

saraclara · 11/04/2023 20:54

She was in an accident so couldn't do the daily stuff that prevents flies etc. So I think it's absolutely fine to wash up and empty the bins. But let her know and explainv that you did it because her accident was unforeseen and you didn't want her to come home to flies or a smelly bin,. I can't see her talking offence at that.

Spiderboy · 11/04/2023 21:00

I’d deffo get rid of food left out, empty bins and do dishes. I wouldn’t even mention it.

saraclara · 11/04/2023 21:08

Spiderboy · 11/04/2023 21:00

I’d deffo get rid of food left out, empty bins and do dishes. I wouldn’t even mention it.

That's probably better, now I think about it. It's not like she'll remember that she left dirty plates out. And she won't have to worry about how to respond to your admission that you did it.

melj1213 · 11/04/2023 21:54

saraclara · 11/04/2023 21:08

That's probably better, now I think about it. It's not like she'll remember that she left dirty plates out. And she won't have to worry about how to respond to your admission that you did it.

Show quote history

I would always mention it because if she didn't notice or isn't bothered then no harm done, but if she did notice or is bothered then you can reassure her that it was done as a purely practical exercise (IE to stop flies/smells/mould) and not as a judgemental one, especially as the OP is more of an acquaintance than a friend as she only knows her as she is her dog walker.

If I got home from hospital and I could immediately see things weren't how I'd left them and nobody owned up to tidying up then I'd feel like my personal space had been violated as I wouldn't know who had been through my stuff and be paranoid as to how bad it actually had been - were they saying nothing as they didn't want to embarrass me with how much they had had to clean? - and just how much they had done - is it just the stuff I could see that they had gone through or had they gone through all my cupboards/drawers too?

By being upfront "I saw the bin/dishes when I was in the kitchen <for a legitimate reason> and didn't want you to come home and have to deal with week old dirty dishes and a full bin so I sorted them for you. I also picked up the post and put it on the table as it was on the mat when I came in" then the OP can put the lady at ease that she has only done those specific things and she has only done them for practical reasons.

mrsfollowill · 11/04/2023 22:03

I would empty bins, get rid of any food waste and wash dishes. Wipe down kitchen work tops. Then leave it at that. I wouldn't mention it/text especially either. I don't think it's overstepping just to do that. No-one wants to come home to a smelly bin.
We once went on holiday and I though DH had put the kitchen bin out- he thought I had. Came back a week later and the smell was horrendous (was July and bin full of food/general waste) We were lucky no maggots/flies but it was awful to walk into the house!

Murdoch1949 · 12/04/2023 00:48

Definitely give the kitchen a clean, put rubbish out, sort out dogs' stuff, that's all. Would be kind.

NotanotherboxofFrogs · 12/04/2023 01:50

Deffo to dishes and bins.

I've been in the position that house was a state and I ended up in hospital during a day out.

My MIl was the only person available to go in and get stuff for me, partner was working away at other end of the country and she did the dishes, bins, floors and made up a fresh bed for me coming out of hospital then she collected me and stayed in the house for a couple of days. Love her to bits. It was okay with her but anyone else I'd be mortified.

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