Should I say something to other boys mum

[ignoreornot]

My ds 8 is friends with another boy in his class. Has been since year 2, get on well mostly and both enjoy the same game (Roblox)
This boy though constantly falls out with my son, then will only be his friend again if he agrees to do something for him. Now ds isn't an angel but he also realises how silly this is and says so.
What's really getting me though is recently a few times now the other boy has mentioned the fact my ds is autistic and uses it against him.
For example - 'you can't control your emotions properly because you're autistic'
'You are treated better by miss because your autistic' now I know what kids are like and you have to ignore most of it, but this is actually really pissing me off because ds is at an age where he is becoming very self aware and probably noticing a difference in himself to others the same age. I think the boys comments are being repeated personally !
I told his parents ds is Autistic when they had a play date due to sensory issues with food and him going on and on about the same topics etc. so. It sure how else he would know about autism has my ds didn't even know he was autistic until this comment came up!

Would I be unreasonable to question the parents if they've said anything and if so could they talk to their son about it ? Or should I just leave it and leave them to it?

I'd have to say something. Quite aside from his controlling behaviour, their son needs to learn that what he is saying is not ok.

I wouldn’t say anything to the parents but I would let their teacher and ask them to keep an eye on it.

I’d also be encouraging DS to make other friends.

Are they in the same class? I'm assuming so. In which case I'd deal through the school.

Go via school unless you are v good friends with the parents. Plus get your kid off robolox, it's awful.

YABU for not telling your DS he is autistic. Teach him about it, then he will be able to counter the other boy himself.

I'm sorry your DS discovered his diagnosis in this way but as you say, he's coming to an age where he'll start noticing differences so I think you should have been having these conversations with him from the beginning.
You might have told other parents DS was autistic but did you also mention that DS was unaware of his diagnosis and for them not to mention it? If not, I think you're bu to want to pull them up about this but yanbu if you want to have a word with them about what their DS has been saying as it could lead to full-on bullying and isolation for your DS, if it's not already classed as bullying?
If this is your DS's only friend, I'd try encourage and cultivate other relationships with/for him so he's not reliant on this one kid for social interaction.

If the comments are happening in school you could ask the teacher to tell the boy to stop making the comments. However it might be tricky if they are friends. I think you might be better off talking more with your ds about this and about the asd. Ask him how he wants to handle this situation.

Sorry big drip feed. I have already spoke to the senco and the head about these comments, as they had a falling out and the other boy made friends with another boy who then punched my ds in the stomach, so due to that I went in and asked to see the headteacher, after that he spoke to them all.
The senco is also encouraging my ds to make other friends but he does really struggle socially and very much depends on this friendship. I do always encourage him to ask to join in with other children etc but he just isn't interested.
And yep I hate Roblox !! The amount of games I've banned is ridiculous, it's one of his special interests 😩😩

His dad thinks I shouldn't make a big deal out of his asd diagnosis hence not mentioning it to him, since then I have spoken to him about it and explained it the best I can. It's hard though how do you explain autism !!

Sounds like you need to ask this question on on how to explain asd on the appropriate area on mn and get some expert/experienced suggestions

Three issues here. It's helpful to breakdown

1. he is being bullied. The school don't appear to being addressing it.
2. poor understanding and awareness of autism by peers. Again this is for the school to address properly
3. the need for your son to make other friends

School can't just phone you off saying your son needs to do 3 and ignore 1 and 2.

Break it down in this way and throw it back at the school. You are asking for positive actions which are fair, appropriate and reasonable.

I have been a specialist teacher for autistic children for many years. The ones who feel the best are the ones who really understand themselves and are completely unashamed and 'out' about being autistic. They are the ones who can, and will, explain their own experience to others, advocate for themselves and help other people to adjust for them, including their friends.

The alternative is masking and confusion about not being the same as other people. Draining at best.

There are lots of age appropriate books you can buy to help you talk to your DS but the most important thing is to look at it from his own point of view and learn how being autistic is for him and that that is OK.

Thank you everybody. I agree it is a controlling friendship and I wish to be honest they wasn't friends, but I can't control who he plays with at school.
I am going to bring it up with the head or senco again though as I don't want ds thinking there is anything to be ashamed of.
I will have a look at some books, I did see one titled 'all cats are autistic' and he loves cat so that will be worth a buy I think!

Role play with dc. Get him to say to you what other boys said and show him how he can reply.
Give him some stock answers such as - your not being very nice

• my emotions are fine

Teach him boundaries, that it's not OK for people to speak to him like that. There's some good videos about autismhttps://m.youtube.com/watch?v=RbwRrVw-CRo

Mine are hooked on roblox too

I feel like I can imagine myself in the position of the other child’s parents. If my DS was complaining of this & that falling out with your son, I can imagine me saying “Well I’m sure he didn’t mean it. Try to be a bit more understanding. Sometimes people with autism find it more difficult to control their emotions.
I don’t know well you know this other child’s parents, but if well enough you could say the way it’s being translated back to your DS isn’t necessarily how you would like to think they intended it to come across.
If you don’t know them well, then I agree with others who have said to inform the school.

You've spoken to the school so at this stage I'd be inclined to leave things. You say the boys regularly fall out. Why do you assume it's all down to this other boy? You've said yourself the other children don't really want to play with him. Maybe his 'issues' are greater than you assumed.
I say this kindly but could it be that he's 'autistic and can't regulate his emotions'?

The unkind behaviour is not acceptable. But children today are told to make allowances that autism may mean a person has extra challenges in regulating their emotions. That is literally what we are told.

I have a 9 year old he has a lovely group of friends two are on the spectrum one knows and openly they figure ways around "rules" he has. The other doesn't know - his peers can clearly see the traits unfortunately his parents are in complete denial that their son needs to know. They cant understand why every child doesn't let their child have their way every time - it will end in tears!

I believe children need to know all their challenges early to support them in friendships, otherwise they kind of have one hand tied behind their back.

Contact the school let them deal with it.

I don't assume it's all the other boy, I've said myself ds is no angel and I'm under no illusions that he is ! He has his moments just like any other child. But the other boy has very manipulative tendencies and I've heard him blackmail my ds, who is so desperate to have a friend he allows it and panders to him and basically begs him to make up with him

OK, yes that's fair. Maybe what the other lad is doing is being a bit more tolerant than the others, so says you can play with me/us as long as XYZ. I guess that could be seen as manipulative, likewise 'if you do ABC I don't wanna be your friend'.
I get it hard for autistic people and I don't think they should have to mask all the time but neither should others have to accept unsociable behavior. I do sympathise with your son but I also sympathise with this other boy who is expected to tolerate his 'oddness'. I don't really think he is his friend anymore. I'd guess he enjoyed playing R with him but now they're getting older he wants to do other things which your son struggles to do. They just shared a hobby.
Still there's no need for nastiness and it was mean of the other kid to punch him. Hopefully next year they'll be in different classes.