Feel sad that PND has stopped me having another DC

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Would love to know if anyone else has had a relatable experience. DD is 4 and a sociable lovely girl. Before having her I thought I wanted lots of children but then the reality hit (as it does for everyone I'm sure!) and I had quite bad PND and anxiety which blindsided me. DD was incredibly high needs and barely slept and none of that helped of course. DH was good but even between us we struggled as we were barely sleeping and all the usual pressures of life with a baby.

I was in a fog for probably two years and that lingered on until more recently when it finally started to lift. I had accepted DD would be our only but now I feel so guilty about that. I'm 38 and felt fine but I worry about her not having a sibling and wonder if I should just do it for that reason. I worry I will always regret not having another child but it's only now I feel mentally well enough to even consider it. WIBU to risk my health again for another?

I could have written this post myself. In fact, I came on here today looking for validation because I think I want another child, but I don't want to risk the PND again.

I'll be 37 this year and my DD will be 3 in a few months. I think my PND was caused by a number of factors - mainly a hormonal imbalance/sensitivity. I'm still breastfeeding (just a morning and an evening feed), but I think the hormones involved are still affecting me, so I'm not quite back to being me.

I genuinely don't think people can fully understand this unless they have had severe PND; it took me a long time to realise that what happened with me wasn't 'normal' and that whilst having a baby is difficult, there is a difference between being tired, for example, and being PND tired.

I've been told by countless people that it's OK to not have another. That I don't have to risk my health. I've read books about only children and how they often grow up to be happier and better adjusted and more successful than kids with siblings (I'm not saying that - the books/research/statistics are!) And yet...I still worry that my little one will be lonely, or deprived of a sibling if we don't have another. I have two brothers and we had an amazing childhood together.

More than that, though, is the fact that I would have another child in a heartbeat if I could skip the newborn phase - but that's because I associate it with severe illness. If I could guarantee I wouldn't get PND again, then I'd be more willing to go through the sleepless nights and the physical toil. But there is no guarantee.

Sorry I can't give you a better answer - but I did read somewhere something along the lines of, "The perfect amount of children is the amount you have." I think it means that you'll be happy with any children who come along, but also that you could be happy with the child you have - each family is different and you have to do what's right for you and yours. If that means safeguarding yourself by staying healthy and happy with one child, then you should do that. (And I should maybe take my own advice and stop worrying!)

Xxx

I was in a similar position but the urge to have another dc ultimately overpowered my fears but I was anxious during the whole pregnancy which wasn’t great.

When dc2 was born they were a completely different child to dc1…a much easier baby and I was in a better place so didn’t find the sleepless nights as draining. I think when you already have one dc, when dc2 comes along you hopefully realise that you are better equipped to deal with the sleepless nights and know what to expect. i still had hard times with dc2 but overall it was easier.

Goodluck whatever you choose. It won’t do your dd any harm to be an only child. You’ll probably have more money and attention for her. If you do go ahead with dc2 try to make sure you get the support you need in place and let your midwife know your concerns about mental health.

For me I was lucky enough to find dc2 babyhood a healing and more joyful experience.

Following as I’m also in the same position but not as far down the line as you (DD is only 18 months). I’m fairly sure I couldn’t cope with the same experience again but DH is desperate for another DC and we’d always planned to have two. I’m so torn about it but have another year or two to think about it.

I stopped at one because of the PND/borderline psychosis. I don't remember anything of the first 12m on DDs life which makes me so sad but the brain does what it needs to in order to get through.
Honestly, I would have loved another. I didn't want DD to be an only and seriously contemplated having another a few years ago when DD was 8 but I couldn't go through with it.
I seriously checked out first time round and I couldn't do that to DD. I'd hate to miss another year of her life and have her remember my inability to manage as a formative experience in her childhood.
I may have got a completely different baby and it may have been fine, but I couldn't take the chance. For me, knowing how bad it could get was enough to know that I had to prioritise the family i had over what I may have wanted.
However, its a totally individual choice. I can see why someone looking on would call me selfish but it's about making the right choice for you. It's not one size fits all.

I’m in a similar position. My DS is 3 and I had PND. I turned a corner last year and feeling better but have made the decision that I would to have another child. My friend was in a similar position when she had her second and she told her midwife about her concerns and got great support so worthwhile doing that if you do decide to have a second.

I’m an only child myself. I’ve never felt like I was lacking in anything or that it had a negative impact on me. I had cousins who I spent lots of time and felt like siblings to me.

Good luck with everything!

My son is almost 3. When he was two months old my PND was so severe I went out with the intention of committing suicide. I didn't go through with it, but I knew then I could never do this again. I did in fact get pregnant again before he turned 1 but I had a termination. I could never ever have another child because I wouldn't survive PND again so I understand your feelings too.

Thank you all so much for sharing and giving me the feeling that other people understand. One of the things that hurts me the most is that I think other parents assume I don't enjoy being a mum as I haven't gone on to have a second but my daughter is the love of my life and my absolute world. I am just so terrified to go back to that dark tunnel and can't risk it.

Honestly I never make any assumptions why some people have 1/2/3/4/5/6 and one friend 8 DC.

YANBU, OP.

I’m 37 with a 4 year old DS. I’d have loved 4 children! But will probably stop at one. PND, anxiety, time off work sick, a breakdown.

If it happened again it might really blight DS’s formative years. I will always be torn, and I’m sure I’ll always have regrets. But I’m still not ready for a second yet, so it may be that the decision is taken out of my hands by my own biology.

My baby will be 10 in the summer I had pnd and no more babies cry about it most days but mentally couldn't do it again it's definitely got worse the older I get

I chose to stop at one because of the risk to my health - not PND and more physical health, but mental health issues shouldn't be minimised and treated as less serious than any other health issue. Personally I felt that once I had one child it's not fair to risk my health again. My child depends on me and even a temporary health issue will have a big impact on how much I can care for and interact with them, which could affect them long term if it happens during their early years. And of course any health issue could be far more serious and even result in death next time. Sad for my child to not have a sibling, but it would be worse to have a sibling but no mother!

I suffered quite bad PND after the birth of DC1, I think because of a combination of him being a horrific sleeper, completely feeling as though I'd lost my identity as a person, lack of confidence and having no routine (I'd literally spend hours indoors staring at the walls). DC2 was unplanned and I was worried about the possibility of drifting back into that black fog again, but I found second time round to be a lot different. Luckily she was and still is a fantastic sleeper, I had a lot more confidence as I felt I (vaguely!) knew what I was doing this time round and we had a better routine as DC1 was at school so we literally had to get up and out everyday.
Whatever you decide to do OP, please don't feel guilty. You know yourself better than anyone and you don't have to justify your choices to anybody else. Do whatever is best for you.

Severe PND is the reason I have one too. Impossible to really understand unless you’ve been there. 💐
Our family of three is happy and healthy.

I had PND but felt completely different with second child. I think there are a number of reasons for this. Firstly, I was used to all the changes involved in having a baby, so I wasn't giving anything more up (freedom, time to myself etc) when I had the second one. I was much more confident about dealing with a baby so it wasn't a shock with number two. I wasn't expecting much (any!) help so wasn't disappointed....I was a lot less anxious, and didn't feel I was going to hurt the baby by accident.

Obviously it's a very personal decision but I wouldn't assume you'd have PND this time round. Also you could possibly put in place some measures to offset the risks, like maybe paying for a bit of help early on (doula/mother's help/au pair etc to give you a break from time to time - maybe worth saving up for??).

Whatever you decide though, don't beat yourself up about it. You're doing the right thing for you and your family and that's the most important thing.

I could not possibly have a 2nd, pnd and ptsd, 13 years on I'll still cry if I think about it or even have an in depth conversation with my friends with babies.

I am so sorry my DS didn't have a sibling, made worse by us not having an extended family with cousins etc and then made even worse by me being asd and socially awkward and unable to make mum friends so he'd have playmates.

It sounds like your little girl is doing well. My sons a teen now and perfectly happy, lives his life online with friends all over the place plus attends various classes to make sure he gets real world interactions.

I am positive a second child would have broken me, so is DH, he thought he'd lost me with just the one. But I also think that mums are resilient, once pregnant you just get on with it and forewarned you could get much better plans and support in place plus counselling.

Maybe get some counselling and talk it through?

Also a very gentle suggestion to consider whether adoption might meet your needs? Not something to jump into without thorough consideration, but I wish it had occurred to me.

Best of luck.

No advice as such but just reassurance - one of my friends had awful PND which then became psychosis and she ended up being sectioned. She had a big gap (possibly similar - 4 or 5 years) before having her next children and has been absolutely fine with her younger 2 kids. She was much better supported with her next baby, not only by family etc of course but also by the HV and midwives too, and she also knew her own "triggers" so to speak.

Is there any way to approach PND proactively in the next pregnancy? Line up help, sort out potential medication in advance, things like that?

I for a long time thought I was one and done, also not by choice but because my pregnancy was horrible (hyperemesis/extreme sickness). However I ended up going for #2 (pregnant now) with lots of research, discussion with my doctor and setting myself up as much as possible - and it’s actually reasonably manageable and I’m glad I’m doing it. My DD is almost 4 so I certainly wouldn’t be doing it with a smaller age gap.

It’s such a personal decision and no-one should ever judge you for it.

I had PND and my DD is an only because of that. I absolutely could not go through that again.

I have friends from a PND support group who have gone on to have further children though. One had PND return and one didn’t.

I had PND/PNAnxiety with my first. The birth was quite difficult, breastfeeding didn’t work. Some problems with our neighbour at the time definitely contributed strongly though as well. First baby was an absolute dream baby though. Once I got the right meds I was ok.

Had another baby, 3 yrs later. No PND at all. Had elective section, didn’t try breastfeeding. Much more difficult baby though but no PND!!

That’s only my personal experience, but it does show that you don’t always get it again!

On the other hand, don’t feel you have to give your child a sibling or they will miss out - mine cannot stand each other!

It’s a difficult decision. I was very unwell with my first born with PND/psychosis.
So much so that I was about to be hospitalised. They were in my home ready. I say that not to scare you but to emphasise how unwell i was. When I decided to have a second child I was advised it was 50/50 if I would be unwell again. In advance of the birth all necessary support was implemented and I am pleased to say I was completely fine. Not everyone will be unwell in a subsequent pregnancy but only you will know if and when you wish to take that chance. For
me I think my heart probably ruled my head when deciding but we believed whatever happened we would come out the other side just like we did the first time.