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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Relocation disagreement

8 replies

CountingSheep27 · 11/04/2023 13:51

Husband, LO and I have relocated 300 miles from SE to NE England. Husband grew up here and always had a dream to move back here. Now we have LO it’s nice for her to be closer to family. Family do not provide any sort of childcare or babysitting. Husband has kept old job and is commuting two days/one night stay over back to London so for two full days I solo
parent. He then wfh for rest of week so is home earlier as not commuting as before. LO will eventually start nursery and my job will be wfh, which I wanted but now realise I would actually like to go into the office a bit. I was not convinced by moving but went along with it to please husband and also knowing LO would be closer to family like grandparents plus potentially better schools and nicer children according to my husband. My family are overseas. Now we have moved I’m still not convinced. His commute seems nuts and is very expensive. It feels backward here and a bit of a culture shock. It’s very one dimensional and as a foreigner I feel like I stand out. We left all our mom friends and LO friends behind. We have signed up to classes to make new friends but this will take time. We are renting for six months. We have a house purchase under offer. Husband is upset that I don’t want what he wants. I am starting to feel resentful about the move and thinking buying a house would be foolish until we know we want to stay here. The rental is perfectly nice but husband thinks we will only truly know what it’s like to live here when we are in the bought house which is nicer. He says he wants me to be happy which he does. I feel guilty for not being on board with what he wants. His family have been perfectly nice but certainly not the welcome we both expected. A big reason we moved here was because of them and their lack of enthusiasm to have us here has been disappointing. I like familiarity and my comfort zone which he doesn’t fully understand as he loves new things. This aspect of our personalities isn’t helping. Please mums, give me some advice. Xx

OP posts:
TheMatriarchy · 11/04/2023 14:31

If you are sure it is not for you then I would leave sooner rather than later. The longer you stay the more difficult that will become. Sounds like you will have to be very insistent with your DH though, so be prepared to be really sure and fight your corner. Hopefully he will appreciate your happiness is important too.

midgemadgemodge · 11/04/2023 14:49

I think you may be writing off the whole of the north east rather sweepingly there

It takes time - years not months - to settle into a place , find people you get on with , make new friends

Thinking of it as backward won't help though - that's rather rude

Also it sounds like you expected his family to make major changes to their lives to make you welcome ?

Yes you need to get into an office and other places to meet people before you can be so dismissive

Stayingstrongish · 11/04/2023 14:57

I did a big move which was my husband’s idea, to be closer to his family. He ended up leaving me and now I feel I have to stay in the area as the children are settled. Which location would it be easier for you to find work in if/when you need to?

Polik · 11/04/2023 14:57

Part of settling into a new area is moving your life there. I would suggest that your DH continuing to commute to the SE (given its not a reasonable commute) is a big factor in not settling in.

I would say to him that, to show he wants to settle, he has 6 months to get himself a local job with a reasonable commute.

For your own feelings, it takes time. When did you move?

mybeautifuloak · 11/04/2023 17:04

So he gets to downs part of every week in London. Sounds crap for you OP

CountingSheep27 · 11/04/2023 19:35

Thanks very helpful

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 11/04/2023 19:42

NE is a big place. I'd love to live near the cost and access to lovely beach. Have you asked grandparents to babysit? Asked them on an afternoon out etc. It may take a while to get into the swing as my own parents became very regimented in thei routine

Cheeseontoast29 · 15/05/2023 21:33

Useful advice above. Definitely getting out to work will help. I think you are right to rent for a bit longer, don't make a permanent decision yet.
From personal experience I moved with 2 young kids to please husband and found it hard to settle. You need to try to agree, or perhaps have a time limit on how long you will be there.

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