To have another child?

[Athousandwishes]

Hi ladies, I'm looking for some advice because I seriously need some...

I am in my early 30s and married to a fantastic man, together we have 1 DC who is 6, almost 7. I can't decide if I want more children or not. DH doesn't mind either way.

I have always wanted children (whole career dedicated to children) but since actually becoming a mum, I've really struggled to enjoy it but I really do love my child.

There's this panic that's starting to set in now that if we do want another is has to be soon. I can't imagine never having another baby it seems so final. I want a sibling for my DC who wants one too, I feel they are deprived without one.

But, on the other hand, I do not want to experience pregnancy again. It was awful and I was continuously sick throughout. I also love the fact the my DC is so independent now and I feel like I can't go back through the baby and toddler stage. Then again, that is only temporary and children grow so fast.

My child has grown so fast that I also don't feel like I really appreciated and still don't the time I've had with them.

If I have another child, there'll be a big age gap so who knows if that'll work. In all honesty I wish I'd had another baby soon after my first so that they'd be close in age and would both be more independent now. There's 7 years between me and my sibling and we did not get on at all! 💔

Financially, we're ok. We'd manage but we wouldn't be able to afford many luxuries (like many people) such as holidays, days out etc.

As you can probably tell from my rambling, I'm really in turmoil over what to do. We also live abroad in Asia so would have no family help or support although we didn't really get much support whilst living in the UK anyway.

What would your advice be?

Do you have any children with a 7+ age gap? What's it like?

Sorry - I don't know why the gaps between paragraphs are so huge!

Hey. I don’t have firsthand experience of this as we are pre DC but thought I would just pop on to say all personalities are different. Like you, I didn’t particularly get along with my sibling with a similarly big age gap but in adulthood she has shown herself to not be very nice generally so it’s not very personal to me. Not all siblings are going to get on but some get along amazingly. I suppose you have to frame it as in do you want an additional child, not if you want a sibling for them. You will have more freedom time-wise, energy wise and finances wise if you stick at one but then so would everybody if they had fewer children. Only you know if it works for your family. You have some time yet so how about review it every 6 months and see how you feel?

Your child is not deprived without a sibling, thats quite OTT. And especially at almost 7 they’d have nothing in common with a new baby anyway. Wether or not you have another has to be about what you and your DH want, and if you don’t really want one but are having one cos it seems better to have 2 than 1 then that’s probably not the right choice. If you are desperate for another and feel you will always regret it if you don’t then go for it.

I wouldn’t given what you’ve said

@Athousandwishes I can't comment on the 2 children as I only have 1 just now, but there is 6 years between my brother and I, I am female so brother/sister relationship and we get on so well, we are very close now. As children we weren't because I just wasn't really interested given my age but as adults we are best of friends x

Ridiculous to suggest your child is deprived because he's an only. There are lots and lots of only children who have wonderful lives and lots and lots of children who don't get on at all with their siblings.

If you had a hellish first pregnancy and you don't really know if you want another child, I think you would be very selfish to have another just because your existing child thinks it would be nice.

I would probably err on not having another, but I’d say go with your heart not your head.
There’s 7 years between my eldest and youngest. There’s a middle one too.
They hang out together in my eldest’s room sometimes (6 and 13) just doing their own thing. They’ll enjoy playing tig together, or water fights- that kind of thing.
There are days out they’ll both enjoy- eg museum and mazes.
The eldest will entertain her over a common interest when asked eg they’ll watch dinosaur documentaries together. Or he might build her a marble run. This is him being good natured and kind though.
That said he’s very proud/protective of his little sister and hovers over her in the park.

I hope they’ll get on in adulthood- the gap lessens then sometimes.

As an aside 1 and 2 get on brilliantly with a much smaller gap.
2 and 3 have 4 years between, and do enjoy the same activities, but also clash!
I sometimes think siblings help you learn how to manage conflict as well as being a source of friendship though….

That there are only children who lead great lives does not mean you can’t also describe them as deprived, if only on the sibling front. It’s still a deprivation of sorts.
Obvously there are pros (more money, more time to devote to their own activities, might clash with sibling) vs cons (might not clash with sibling and have a special bond, someone to add a different dynamic to the house (my dc2 certainly does)) but with a seven-year gap, it makes it very different.

No. There are too many reasons not to here.

You aren’t sure, your husband isn’t sure. You shouldn’t have a child to “give” your first child a sibling and it’s irrelevant whether they want one or not.

The age gap between the children would be too big, you’d be starting again and they wouldn’t have anything in common nor could you do the same activities with them and everyone be happy.

It wouldn’t be fair to being a child into this scenario.

From everything you have said my advice would be, don’t have another one.

however there is no ‘right time’ to have a baby. You have no idea if the kids will get on, they may not at first but then may have a wonderful relationship as adults. You have no crystal ball.

if your DH is not bothered either way does this mean he is going to be helpful? How you personally cope with the pregnancy, birth, shift in dynamics and the extra work may well depend on the answer to that question.

It’s about personalities clashing/connecting, less about age gaps.

My eldest DC is 21. DC2 is 13.
8 years! DC1 has ALWAYS been an exceptional big brother because he’s an exceptional guy. He really is. His siblings adore him and vice versa. The 8 year age gap has been brilliant because I could totally focus on each child’s needs without any jealousy. I never wanted 3 under 3 anyway because I’m quite fragile. I need lots of calm in my day. I knew what I could cope with and crucially, what I couldn’t cope with.
My youngest DC3 is turning 9 next month. 4 years between DC2 and him. That’s been a much trickier relationship to referee. DC2 has always been a bit jealous of and grumpy with DC3. It’s much better now but it’s bumpy and the sailing isn’t smooth. But there’s deep and meaningful love there and that is good enough. It’s what matters. DC2 is very protective of DC3 and DC1 is protective of both his younger siblings.

So I think you just have to know that it IS the great unknown, having kids. We don’t know who we’re giving birth to and how the family dynamics will be. But here’s my feeling; if you’re all nice, loving people and you can afford and importantly, really want another DC, take the chance. It’s likely to be wonderful (with the obligatory hard bits that come with being a family).

It’s also totally lovely sticking with 1 DC. I honestly thought I’d just have one. I loved being a mum of one. I love being a mum of 3. It all works out.

12 year age gap and it was easy.
Red flags in yr post, u don’t like being pregnant and u r unsure.

I love children and babies and want a huge family so I would always say have another baby 😂 I don't know anyone who regrets having another, but I know plenty of people who regret not having more whilst they could.
On the age thing, I know quite a few siblings with a big age gap and as others have said it's been a personality thing rather than an age gap or gender thing. I know two sisters who are 7 years apart and the older one is very caring to the little one and they get on great. Another one, there's ten years between each child (so 20 years between the oldest and the youngest!). The younger ones didn't get on with the eldest but then the eldest was a very difficult person who fell out with lots of people! But now the youngest and eldest are much closer now they're older

Also I was an only and never felt deprived! But then I had a big family of cousins and family friends etc

Neither of you actively want another. So I would suggest not to

I’d stick at one- the only benefit you name is a sibling and the gap- imo- is too large to reap that benefit properly.

That's the age gap I have between DSS and my eldest son and I will say it is really hard to find family activities that work for both of them. Alot of the time we just split up and one of us takes DSS to do something more age appropriate and one of us stays with the younger ones.

You really don’t sound like you want another. You sound like you feel that you should have another.

I’m one of 5. My closest relationship is my brother (I’m female) who’s almost 12 years younger. I helped to raise him (and my sister who’s 8 years younger, but we have no relationship). Should you have another? Only if you can honestly say to yourself that you really do want another child. If you’re unsure, personally I think it’s not what I’d do.

If you aren't really sure and had a bad pregnancy and worry about the gap, based on this I would say no