To feel both angry and like a huge failure?

[Busybeezs]

My mum is currently very unwell after recently being diagnosed terminal illness. She cares for my dad who is disabled. I'm pregnant with my first baby (very wanted and conceived via IVF).

We have a tiny family - just me, as my sibling passed away, my husband and my mum has one sibling.

There is so much to do. My mum needs so much support and I've arranged to work flexibly (still FT) so I can be around to help her, but I'm burning out. My husband is great and helps a lot, but I'm very conscious that literally everything falls on me. I'm just about managing at the moment, but I'm frightened about what comes at the end, especially if my baby is here when that time comes. I'm so angry that this has happened and that there are so few support systems in place and I feel like I'm failing my mum and my baby. I'm not able to give my mum the care I know she needs, I cant emotionally support my dad and I'm honestly not taking the best care of myself, despite wanting my baby so much and for so long. I never thought I'd be losing my gorgeous mum at the same time I'm becoming a mother.

Not really an AIBU I suppose, but has anyone else been in a similar boat?

I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time right now, it sounds exhausting, scary and sad. Please don’t be afraid to reach out for support where you can. Do you have many friends? Perhaps your local church? 💐

Social services maybe able to help and can arrange carers to come in

So sorry you are going through this. It sounds really tough.

Please don't be angry with yourself. Be angry with the situation by all means, because it really sucks, but don't take it out on yourself. You can only do what you can do. And you need to look after yourself, not least because it's what your parents would want you to do.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this but now is the time to get practical. Make sure you understand the care process for your mum, make sure they are getting all the benefits they can including attendance allowance. Begin to see what they can afford to out source like cleaning. Speak to Age Uk. You need to look after yourself as well.

You can't do everything. Nor can you do all the things that other people want you to do.

It's time to recruit help and outsource your parent's needs. You do not have to become their carer. This is okay and you must NOT feel guilty about it. You can be a loving daughter without taking on the burden of their care.

Contact their GP surgery and tell them. Contact relevant charities (e.g. Macmillan, Age Concern, and the charity connected to your father's health issue). Contact your local Adult Social Services. Can they pay to get someone in to do things for them? My mother had a lovely lady come in every day who she paid for who did cleaning, some caring duties.

Please take care of yourself. It's okay to put yourself and your pregnancy and baby first.

Have you contacted adult social services?

So sorry. This is unfair and shit. I absolutely don’t blame you for feeling angry but please don’t feel like a failure. You are anything but a failure.

What a difficult situation OP, my heart goes out to you and your family. Does your mum have cancer? If so, MacMillan might be able to help. If not cancer there may be a national or even local support group for her illness. What about your parents’ GP or Help the Aged? I’m in a similar situation with a DB (no family of his own) in hospital with cancer and a frail 79 year old mum (widowed) and a DD taking her A levels. Trying to support everyone is hard, but you definitely need to take care of yourself and your parents will understand that x

You are not a failure - the care system is.

Badger social services for help - use the words "vulnerable adults." Talk with local hospice about what care they might contribute (they are also very good at caring for carers). Ring Age UK - there will be a local branch, but you can start with their excellent website.

You are carrying a precious pregnancy and right now that has to be the priority.

PS Hospices do not just deal with cancer patients - my OH had Parkinsons and they were very helpful to him.

It's a massive sudden change and you have so many life events going on its no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed. Do you have a macmillan nurse or is she under the district nurses yet? They should have the full circumstances to hand and be able to signpost you.

Does she have an idea of where she wants to be? Most people want to be at home but realistically even with carers that's often only achievable if there's a big close family taking turns and her symptoms are well controlled. If she was in a hospice or a community hospital she would have nurses 24/7 to assist with personal care and symptom management. Its absolutely 100% ok for you to take a step back from personal care, I have no doubt your mum would want you to be looking after yourself and this baby you have waited so long for. If the physical grafting is taken care of you can spend time with your mum as her daughter not her carer and focus on getting her favourite pjs and all her home comforts, having nice flowers and music in the room, reading to her.

Your DF is going to have ongoing care needs and may need an assessment/start the ball rolling about getting carers depending on what needs he has, you are not going to be able to provide day to day care with a newborn.

I'm so sorry you are going through this when you are supposed to be at your happiest time, it's dreadfully unfair. I really hope you get some support soon from the professionals involved.

Gosh, thank you all for being so kind and supportive and for giving such practical advice.

@Disneyvillain she does have cancer, yes - she's currently in hospital with complications from said cancer. She was offered radical or palliative treatment on diagonosis, but now with recent complications she is likely only going to be offered the palliative treatment as she's not well enough for chemo. She doesn't know this yet and still thinks she's going to get better. We don't have a prognosis but the type of cancer she has can escalate pretty quickly, and she's already stage 4. No discussions regarding EoL with mum as she is resolute she wants to beat this as she has beaten cancer before.

PPs who mentioned adult services, as mum is currently in hospital she has been referred to hospital social worker, as well as OT for aids and care package due to situation at home. If there's a hospital SW, does she still need a referral to Adult Services? I asked for a carers assessment but now unsure if this is hospital SW job.

Mum is very protective of me and asks as little of me as possible, and we agreed on her getting a cleaner when she first became poorly. That's working pretty well.

I do have lovely and supportive friends, I'm very lucky, but I worry about bumming people out by talking about it too much so I try to be a bit sunny side up about things.

If you're looking at a palliative care situation then I would definitely get in touch with a local hospice now. I used to volunteer at a hospice and they are wonderful places. They might have a lot of information about where to go for support during this phase of your mother's illness.

So sorry to read that you’re going through so much, but also congratulations on your pending new arrival 🌹You must be feeling such a range of emotions, and it’s unsurprising that you’re feeling burned out.

The palliative care team were incredible with my Dad, and such a massive help for my Mum. With your Dad needing ongoing assistance, try contacting social services and let them know the situation- they have resources available to lighten the load. Please look into what your local authority can help provision for your family, and don’t be afraid to ask for support.

Wishing you and your family all the best 🌹