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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Reasonable punishment?

25 replies

Bedbouncer · 11/04/2023 08:26

I made some vegan flapjacks yesterday in anticipation of vegan visitors for lunch today. I took them ('it' really, as it isn't yet cut into squares) out of the oven just before going to the supermarket. DS14 saw me take it out - he's at that age where he eats like a horse - I told him not to eat it all because it was for visitors. I got back and he'd eaten about a quarter of the whole block - equivalent of 3 or 4 pieces. I was a bit annoyed and made a comment about him being a gannet, but didn't go ballistic because I hadn't explicitly said not to eat it, just not to eat all of it. I put the remaining flapjack in a tin and put a note 'Hands off!' on top before going to bed. I've come down this morning and he has written 'NO' on my note and eaten another couple of pieces! Greedy great 6 foot 2 adolescent CF! I also have a WattsApp from him asking me to order him some new gaming headphones because his have broken. I replied 'No'. He will be desperate for these as gaming is his main 'thing'. Is that sufficient punishment, or do I devise additional punishment? For reference, there's plenty of food in the house & he's had more than ample treats over the last few days, with it being Easter, so he's not deprived and there's no good excuse.
YABU - More appropriate punishment required
YANBU - No headphones ordered is sufficient punishment

OP posts:

BibbleandSqwauk · 11/04/2023 08:28

Hand him an apron and a mixing bowl for him to make more. He can earn his new headphones.

carriedout · 11/04/2023 08:29

I think 'punishment' is futile.

What I would do is make him make more (or buy the ingredients for me to do it) and explain how that type of selfish action makes me feel.

Does he have access to other food? That's important at his age so make sure that's sorted too. But not an excuse, just an aside.

BarbedButterfly · 11/04/2023 08:31

I would just make him make more. Good to learn and appropriate

snitzelvoncrumb · 11/04/2023 08:31

BibbleandSqwauk · 11/04/2023 08:28

Hand him an apron and a mixing bowl for him to make more. He can earn his new headphones.

This.

PopsicleHustler · 11/04/2023 08:32

What a cheeky little so and so. I would hit the roof if he wrote NO! on something I said not to have. He can shove the gaming headphones and pitch in with more chores everyday on top of what he already does to help you. That's if he does do chores like my 15 Yr old and 10 Yr old do

IsolatedWilderness · 11/04/2023 08:35

The first one was a bit understandable. He didn't eat them all, as instructed. The second was just unreasonable on his part. I'd get him to cook me some more (and make a double batch, since he obviously likes them).

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 11/04/2023 08:37

I don't see the link between headphones and flapjacks.

If he ate too many flapjacks then he should replace them by making some more - and going to buy the ingredients if necessary.

But that has nothing to do with him wanting new headphones.

SorePaw · 11/04/2023 08:41

Little Shit

I can't believe he'd show you such little respect!!

Then have the absolute fucking nerve to ask for headphones.

It would be a long week of 'no' this week!

NO lifts to mates
NO lifts to anywhere
NO money to go out
NO takeaway/treats
NO having friends over

just NO.

CherryCokeFanatic · 11/04/2023 08:41

What a greedy pig scoffing. So it sounds like he crams away these treats whenever he thinks you’re not looking - in bed or at the supermarket. Does he have worms? 3 or 4 portions snuffled in one go sounds like a binge too. Is he overweight?

Defying you sounds really selfish. Ignoring the note… he has effectively stole what isn’t his to take. Is ignoring what you say a common thing? Wondering if he maybe picks this behaviour up from elsewhere - what’s his dad like? Does he also not respect your wishes? A fellow greedy man?

gamerchick · 11/04/2023 08:55

Will you be buying the headphones eventually though?

I know it's tempting to give punishment after punishment when we're angry. But try not to I would say.

Ask him what his punishment should be and not to ask you for anything while he thinks about it. It bends their head a bit and makes them really think about what they've done

Original poster

Bedbouncer · 11/04/2023 09:00

SorePaw · 11/04/2023 08:41

Little Shit

I can't believe he'd show you such little respect!!

Then have the absolute fucking nerve to ask for headphones.

It would be a long week of 'no' this week!

NO lifts to mates
NO lifts to anywhere
NO money to go out
NO takeaway/treats
NO having friends over

just NO.

This is where I'm at....

OP posts:

Original poster

Bedbouncer · 11/04/2023 09:02

gamerchick · 11/04/2023 08:55

Will you be buying the headphones eventually though?

I know it's tempting to give punishment after punishment when we're angry. But try not to I would say.

Ask him what his punishment should be and not to ask you for anything while he thinks about it. It bends their head a bit and makes them really think about what they've done

But I like this....that would mess with his head i think...

OP posts:

caringcarer · 11/04/2023 09:14

I'd do as others have suggested and make him make more. I'd show/help him if necessary. Does he usually just given replacement tech items or have to wait until his birthday or Xmas. I don't buy replacement tech items. They have to wait for birthday/Xmas or use pocket money and save for them. I might pay child for doing extra chores to help them save more quickly.

Brefugee · 11/04/2023 09:31

I don't see the link between headphones and flapjacks.

really? she asked him to do something (not eat any more flapjacks) his answer? no and did it anyway

he asked her a question: buy me new headphones. She says no. Seems perfectly straightforward to me.

In OPs shoes? i would be getting him to buy ingredients and bake a batch of flapjacks.
And then he can earn the headphones with other jobs around the house.

aSofaNearYou · 11/04/2023 09:33

His attitude sounds appalling. I'd keep saying no to things until he gets the message.

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 11/04/2023 09:38

Just for balance I can imagine my DSS doing this when they were teenagers and thinking they were being funny rather than being arseholes. I am not saying it's appropriate but sometimes (often) they say and do things without thinking through consequences and how this may feel. I would talk him through both and ask him to replace what has been taken. Although I really like the idea of asking them to say what their consequence should be.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 11/04/2023 09:39

Brefugee · 11/04/2023 09:31

I don't see the link between headphones and flapjacks.

really? she asked him to do something (not eat any more flapjacks) his answer? no and did it anyway

he asked her a question: buy me new headphones. She says no. Seems perfectly straightforward to me.

In OPs shoes? i would be getting him to buy ingredients and bake a batch of flapjacks.
And then he can earn the headphones with other jobs around the house.

Well yes - IMo the headphones and the flapjacks are two separate issues.

By all means refuse to replace his headphones, but that won't solve the issue of not enough flapjacks.

I would make him go to the shops, buy the ingredients and make a new batch of flapjacks to replace the ones he ate.

He can replace the headphones himself at the same time if they're broken, but that should be what a teenager does anyway - it shouldn't be seen as a punishment.

Singularity82 · 11/04/2023 09:41

PopsicleHustler · 11/04/2023 08:32

Yep, absolutely agree with this. Who the hell does he think he is? I actually think his behaviour is beyond selfish, it’s downright disrespectful. Gaming headphones would wait until he had his own money to buy, or the next birthday/christmas rolled around.

takealettermsjones · 11/04/2023 09:43

I might be off base here but... did you make it sound like a bit of a joke? You told him not to eat all of it - that sounds (to a teenager, at least) like an invitation to eat some. And then you said you didn't go ballistic but made a comment about him being a gannet - obviously it depends on tone but that could come across as a good natured, jokey, what are you like kind of thing. He could have then thought the original "directive" (i.e. you can eat some but not all) stood. "Hands off!" on a note is again jokey in tone, to me anyway. His "no!" reads like banter. Obviously you knew you'd been annoyed, and that you'd made them specifically to cater for vegans, but did he know that? I know a few teenagers who eat like this and it's generally laughed off (hollow legs, growing boy etc) so it sounds like he might not have realised you were serious this time... Just a thought. I would of course get him to make some more (or go out and find/buy something else if there's no time), while explaining seriously that you needed these specifically and in future, if you say something is for guests then the whole thing is off limits (and mean it) etc. But I don't think he was actively trying to disrespect you or sabotage your event.

SophiaSW1 · 11/04/2023 09:48

I'd just get him to make more.

budgiegirl · 11/04/2023 09:51

I'd be so cross about this - the fact that he wrote 'no' on the note shows that he knew he shouldn't be eating the flapjacks and decided to anyway. That's just disrespectful. I'd definitely be getting him to make more flapjacks to replace those, and also I'd be telling him to get his own headphones while he's at it (although I'd be telling him that even if he hadn't eaten the flapjacks!)

eatdrinkandbemerry · 11/04/2023 09:59

I'd make him buy some more ingredients and bake some more.
He sounds very disrespectful!!

RocketIceLollie · 11/04/2023 10:01

Eating a slice granted as I'm sure it looked yummy. But the No comment on the note is just disrespectful. So yes an extra punishment might be in order. I remember my brother did something to make my mum angry when we were young. Can't remember what it was but she made him clean the toilets as a punishment. All three of them 😆 he friggin hated every moment of it. Some maybe make him clean the toilet as a punishment 😁

Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway · 11/04/2023 10:05

Is this attitude representative of his general attitude towards you/others? The disrespect and selfishness?

A one time slip up in his behaviour - get him to make more.
A pattern of entitled behaviour - sort it out and start parenting.

itsgettingweird · 11/04/2023 10:07

SorePaw · 11/04/2023 08:41

Little Shit

I can't believe he'd show you such little respect!!

Then have the absolute fucking nerve to ask for headphones.

It would be a long week of 'no' this week!

NO lifts to mates
NO lifts to anywhere
NO money to go out
NO takeaway/treats
NO having friends over

just NO.

Yep!!!!

Agree with that.

It's the "no" that's the worst thing. No respect for your time you spent making them for guests.

No good asking him to make more because if they don't turn out as well as yours you'll feel doubly pissed off!

When my ds (now 18) hit the stage of thinking my instructions were just requests he could ignore I went full on natural consequences.

He's an elite sportsman. So if he didn't complete his chores on a Sunday on Monday when he asked "are you ready to take me training" the answer would be "unfortunately o do t have time today because I need to do x y and z that weren't done yesterday"

So no confronting him for not doing it and giving him a chance to argue back. Just simply taught him that respect and expectations of others was a 2 way street.

He didn't do it again for a long time (10 months maybe?). We perhaps get the same thing now once a year but he soon remembers when I have to do his jobs and it means I can't be his taxi service

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