To not know how to set boundaries?

KidsandKitchens · 2023-04-10T22:44:06+00:00

Just that really. I find myself getting pushed into situations I don't want to be in, or signing up to plans I don't want to. How do you set a boundary to say no, without having to justify yourself? I find I'm always panicking people will think I'm OTT or being difficult and thinking up excuses instead of just being able to say no.

WGACA · 10/04/2023 23:53

Fearne Cotton’s latest podcast on Happy Place is all about this very thing (released today)

Original poster

KidsandKitchens · 11/04/2023 00:05

Thank you I'll check it out x

OP posts:

LBFseBrom · 11/04/2023 00:10

KidsandKitchens · 11/04/2023 00:05

Thank you I'll check it out x

That.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 11/04/2023 00:16

If you find it hard to say no, delay them with a "I'll have to double check, let me get back to you" then after a bit you can text back 'no'. If they insist on an answer straight away you say 'oh, so sorry, but there's no way I can say yes without having a chance to think about it/check schedule, so it will have to be a no if you need the answer straight away'.

This way you have time to have a proper think, and distance with which to say no in. And then you know that what you say yes to, you actually really do want to do!

Lostinplaces · 11/04/2023 00:20

“Thanks for the invitation but I already have plans for that day.”

”sorry I’m busy on insert date but thanks for thinking of me.”

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 11/04/2023 00:20

The best bit of advice I’ve ever had in this respect is that when someone asks you to do something, that you don’t allow yourself to be panicked into an answer. If you receive a request and you don’t immediately think you’d love to do what’s been asked of you then all you have to do is say ‘will you let me give that some thought and get back to you?’ If they suggest that they can’t wait and you must give them an immediate answer you say: ‘so sorry, if you can’t give me time to think I’m going to have to say no.’
Works for me.

Ilovetea42 · 11/04/2023 00:29

I used to really struggle with this and when I went for counselling it helped because it stemmed back to a parent who constantly overstepped boundaries and made me feel guilty for having boundaries and then going straight into a first relationship that was abusive. When I unpacked all of that it got so much easier to set my own boundaries and decide what I was OK with. I also find it gets easier the more you do it and you'll soon find out who gives you push back (not your mates) and who respects you more for having them (your mates) and don't be surprised if you end up having a relationship clear out as a result.

Original poster

KidsandKitchens · 11/04/2023 07:39

Ilovetea42 · 11/04/2023 00:29

I used to really struggle with this and when I went for counselling it helped because it stemmed back to a parent who constantly overstepped boundaries and made me feel guilty for having boundaries and then going straight into a first relationship that was abusive. When I unpacked all of that it got so much easier to set my own boundaries and decide what I was OK with. I also find it gets easier the more you do it and you'll soon find out who gives you push back (not your mates) and who respects you more for having them (your mates) and don't be surprised if you end up having a relationship clear out as a result.

Funny you say this as it's my parents I struggle with the most despite being in my 30's! There's a whole culture that I'm difficult/dramatic/awkward and my sibling is perfect so obviously the problem must be me although there are many unhealthy behaviours there which I like to avoid.

OP posts:

Pseudonamed · 11/04/2023 07:45

KidsandKitchens · 11/04/2023 07:39

Funny you say this as it's my parents I struggle with the most despite being in my 30's! There's a whole culture that I'm difficult/dramatic/awkward and my sibling is perfect so obviously the problem must be me although there are many unhealthy behaviours there which I like to avoid.

Show quote history

Oh I could have written your post. I am the dramatic one for saying no to things. My therapist just told me to say no AND DO NOT EXPLAIN myself. Im still working on that.

IsolatedWilderness · 11/04/2023 07:49

My parents also taught me I was difficult for having any boundaries. I have learned that I don't have to justify and, most importantly, just because someone is angry or upset with my no or answer, it doesn't mean I've done something wrong.

Holeinninetynine · 11/04/2023 07:56

IsolatedWilderness · 11/04/2023 07:49

My parents also taught me I was difficult for having any boundaries. I have learned that I don't have to justify and, most importantly, just because someone is angry or upset with my no or answer, it doesn't mean I've done something wrong.

I also experienced this as a child.

This may help - https://tinychangesmatter.com/set-boundaries-without-being-controlling/

How to Set Boundaries In a Relationship Without Being Controlling?

You want to set some rules and boundaries but not in a way that will make you feel bad about it. Lucky you, today we are discussing that!

https://tinychangesmatter.com/set-boundaries-without-being-controlling

Original poster

KidsandKitchens · 11/04/2023 07:58

Thanks everyone. Is it just a matter of saying 'I'm not explaining myself the answer is no?'

OP posts:

Beanfield2023 · 11/04/2023 08:03

It's the fear of being disliked that is at root of feeling guilty about saying no . Don't worry that they don't like you they probably don't anyway . If the shoe was on the other foot they would say no to you in a heartbeat.

IsolatedWilderness · 11/04/2023 08:04

KidsandKitchens · 11/04/2023 07:58

Thanks everyone. Is it just a matter of saying 'I'm not explaining myself the answer is no?'

I think it depends. If someone wants to see me and I can't do the day suggested but want to see them, I'll say something like, "I can't do that day but how about this day?" Offer an acceptable alternative. Lets them know I want to see them too.
A friend once asked me to take her child for a long weekend so she could go away with her husband. I wanted to go out with the family and couldn't have done that with an extra on board due to car space. I said no, she pushed back, I justified, she tried to convince me, I stuck with no but felt doubtful I'd done the right thing. What I should have done, "Sorry, that weekend doesn't work for my plans that weekend." Repeat when she pushed. No justification.

Pseudonamed · 11/04/2023 08:10

It is the justification that is the issue with me. I always feel the need to explain myself and as a grown adult I should not have to explain myself to anyone. I have gotten better over the years but when it comes to my family.....

TuesdayJulyNever · 11/04/2023 08:12

I got advice years and years ago on mumsnet, to find lots of little ways to be kind to myself, and to practice speaking nicely to myself.

It was incredibly wise advice even though I’ve long forgotten the poster’s name.

Good boundaries are a natural extension of believing in your own self worth.

Obviously there’s more to it - and this thread already has great strategies and advice. But asserting a boundary only happens occasionally whereas the little acts of building yourself up can be a very powerful consistent practice.

IsolatedWilderness · 11/04/2023 08:12

I once had a conversation with my mother that went like this:
Mum: Sister has the day off, so we thought we'd come and see you on Monday so we can all have the day together.
Me: I am busy on Monday, can we do a different day?
Mum: No, because that's the day your sister has off.
Me: Well, I'm busy and can't change it, sorry.
Mum: What are you busy with?
Me: I've got child-co-op and need to go.
Mum: Well, can't you just not go that week?
Me: No, they count on me.
Mum: So you're never going to see your sister ever again then?
Me: That's just stupid.
Mum: Well, it's not really!
(Note: They visited).

How it should have gone:
Mum: Sister has the day off, so we thought we'd come and see you on Monday so we can all have the day together.
Me: Sorry, that doesn't work for me. It will have to be another day if you want to do that.
Mum: What have you got on? Can't you change your plans so you can see your sister?
Me: No, I can't. I've got child co-op and they count on me for ratios, so Monday doesn't work for me. (This is still justifying but I don't mind explaining this much).
Mum: {insert whatever pushback and emotional blackmail}
Me: Well, it's not going to work. Talk to sister about another day then I'll see what I can do. (and end the call if necessary).

KidsandKitchens · 25/10/2023 13:24

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