To feel indifferent about being pregnant

[Pbubz]

Just as the title says really, I found out I'm pregnant 2.5 weeks so very early days and now the initial excitement has worn off I'm really bloody terrified. This was half planned in that we want kids, and stopped preventing with the stupid notion it would take a while (in my mid thirties). Now it's happened I keep reading stuff like "imagine lockdown but for 10 years" that's what it's like having a kid.

Me and DH have been together 12 years, our relationship is really good, finances could be better but if I waited for them to be amazing it would never happen.

I feel really disconnected, I don't have any symptoms, I don't feel depressed or anxious as such just scared Ive been bloody naive.

In my twenties I swore blind I wouldn't be having kids and spent a lot of time justifying that by reading stuff from child free groups, which are generally very disdainful and negative about parenting (and there's nothing wrong with being child free at all).

Basically I've filled my head with all the negative stuff and all the downsides that come with having kids.... Now I'm thinking christ, what have I done! I don't want to terminate or anything like that, I just... Need to know where to go to hear what the goodsides are. None of my local friends have kids so that doesn't help...

Having kids is hard work, I won’t lie. But it’s also hugely rewarding and there’s no love like it.

it will become more real as the pregnancy goes on, the first time you hear the heart beat or go to the first scan…. You’ll absolutely feel connected then

I was also utterly shocked when I conceived on the first go. I thought it would take forever! I don’t think you should listen to negativity. I was also very ambivalent about parenthood, but the thing I realised (that pregnancy is now an 11 year old) is that each baby is individual and each parent is individual. You having your own individual child out of your own individual life experiences won’t be the same as anyone else’s. Don’t worry about your feelings. You’ve got a lot of time to get used to the idea.

Och, you'll be fine.

I felt very similar to you in that I was watching friends have babies and then really struggle with difficult births and ppd and just the intensity of it and then I thought hmm... that's less craic than I thought, maybe that's not for me!

But what that meant for me was I waited until I was really ready to commit to the hard parts. I also think it's served me really well because I went in without rose tinted glasses of how lovely it would all be and I think that meant I had more realistic expectations of myself especially in the early months which protected my mental health. I worried that I'd feel disconnected to baby because I never really felt super attached to my bump (we had a few big scares at the start so I was really afraid to bond) but things that helped me was (when my bump was bigger) feeling the kicks, talking and singing to my bump and reading to it and getting things ready when the time came closer and being able to poke my tummy and baby kick back. Seeing ultrasounds etc it still felt a little removed for me. The very early stages it doesn't really feel real unless you have symptoms. But when baby arrived and I heard him cry that was a totally different story. Everyone attaches at different paces, some mums feel it before birth, some at birth and some it takes a few weeks to feel that bond and none of that is 'wrong' it's all normal. And on the really hard days when you're exhausted and dealing with colic, it passes. When I'm really struggling I just remind myself this is a really short stage because baby grows and changes so so fast. For example the really early sleep deprived feeding constantly bit goes in a few weeks but I loved the snuggles and lying in bed doing skin to skin etc. I love being a mum and I'm glad I went into it with my eyes open. The best things you can do when pregnant is think about how you'll manage those difficult parts, make sure your other half is fully on board and is reading up or listening to podcasts on being a parent so they can support you, think about how you'd like to try feeding and do some workshops and get your partner to attend with you, think about who you'd want to give you a hand with housework etc, hypnobirthing is great if you're worried about labour and you've loads of time to consider your birth plan. I also spent time reading about mindful parenting and while the first few months are just a snuggly tiring lovely blur, I now try to give myself more structure in the day with different types of play and nap/feeding times. Your baby will guide you and you'll figure them out it just takes a bit of time to get to know this new little person. I think my most important bit of advice is to manage your expectations of yourself and divide your labour equally. And get off those child free boards lol, I'm sure what they're saying is very valid for them but it's individual and there's loads of great things about being a parent. My kid might do explosive nappies that run to his ankles but when he smiles at me I couldn't care less it's the best feeling in the world.

I never thought I’d want children when I was younger.
I had my first at 28ish, and I also felt utterly terrified when I found out I was pregnant - like WTF have I done???
And I won’t lie, there have been times when it has been so very hard (my mental health took a huge battering when my kids were tiny - not helped by losing my dad shortly after DC2 was born) - but they are my absolute world, my favourite people on the planet (sorry DH 🙈). Life isn’t 100% perfect by any means, but my life couldn’t be any better than it is with them in it.

I'm feeling the same...... like it's a complete mistake.

I felt similar.

Baby had a genetic disorder and we had to terminate at 15 weeks. Now can’t get pregnant again.

Count your blessings.

Having kids is hands down the best thing I ever did. I felt similar, especially with my 2nd, as people were like "OH YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOURE IN FOR!!!!" But it's honestly magical.
Stay in a positive headspace and get rid of anything that ruins that - I deleted Instagram for a few months as I found there was too much negativity on my feed about parenthood and I didn't need that in my life!

It's a shock ,even when it's planned, there's no right or wrong way to feel, just let it sink in.
Lockdown for 10 years made me laugh! You will leave the house again just not with the same ease!
It is a big change, and having DC does involve compromise and sleepless nights, but having your own family unit is the best thing in the world, the love you have for your DC, and them for you, is unconditional. Its amazing to watch them grow up, take their first steps, say their first words, Xmas becomes magical again, you get to do childish things again on the pretext of helping DC , going down a slide, jumping on a trampoline, crabbing off the pier, building sandcastles etc. Its a privilege and a joy, but bloomin hard work. Be kind to yourself especially in the first few months after giving birth as it's tiring and emotional and can take a while to adjust to parenthood but it will be the most important and rewarding thing you do.

@RulaLenskasHair I'm so sorry for your loss I can't even imagine how painful that is. Thank you for sharing and jolting my perspective

Thanks everyone I just needed to get that off my chest anonymously rather than with people who know me.

Positivity starts now, I've been doing way too much doom scrolling!!

Scary times ahead, as hard as they'll be I'm excited for the new dynamic and memories we'll be making. I just hope I don't screw the poor kid up, not sure why I felt qualified to have kids in the first place but as long as they grow up kind I guess that's a winner!

My kids are adults now and out on their own, but I loved every stage of their lives. I adored the newborn stage, I'd give anything to be able to have just five minutes of that again. Their sounds, their smell, it was bliss. I really loved the teen years, watching them make their journey to adulthood was brilliant. Being a parent is hard work, but anything worthwhile always is.

My advice is to stop worrying and enjoy your own journey. Any rough patches you encounter won't last forever.

I felt like this with my second pregnancy. I have a really big gap between my kids and I liked my life when it was just me and my eldest. Then, I met a guy, and we planned a child together. I thought it would take a while, it didn't. I felt very indifferent, phases of panic that I've ruined my nice life etc. My eldest was a teenager and I was getting used to having my independence back.

I felt like this for my whole pregnancy. I actually became a little unwell over thinking everything. Hyper focusing on negative points and unable to imagine any positives.

I was very honest about it and I'm pretty sure a lot of people thought I was a giant weirdo! 😂 I felt like there was something wrong with me as other people are posting bump pics and acting like life is amazing... I was riddled with anxiety.

What I will say though, is that as soon as she was born, all of the fears and anxiety disappeared. I could not imagine life without her.

Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy ♥️

@Pbubz just wanted to to say - that was a blunt message after a bit of a tough day which was unfair - I’m sorry!

But the important thing is I genuinely did feel very similar to you and others on this thread at the start, for a good few weeks. It’s a change in your life, and you’re going to feel strange about that!

By the time I had to terminate the pregnancy I had settled into feeling positive about it, but having to terminate did make me realise how strongly positive I did feel about it.

Doom scrolling and letting the negativity build is really hard to combat, but you’ve had some really helpful replies here.

My only other advice is get the blood test at the 12 week scan which tests for any genetic issues (offered as standard), I didn’t really understand what it could mean and thought it would all be fine as it looked fine on the scan. Yours will be fine - everyone else’s I know other than mine has been.

I'm so sorry to hear that

OP it's nothing like lockdown - I promise you that.

I think everyone has a 'what the hell am I doing' moment and it's completely normal.

You'll be absolutely fine. It sounds like you've got a strong marriage which is a huge plus. Good luck!

You'll be fine. It's honestly not like lockdown it just takes a bit more planning to leave the house 😄.

My advice would be (if you're up to it) get out and about with the baby asap. While on maternity leave have some nice lunches out with your partner. They pretty much sleep and eat as newborns so it's the perfect time to get out!

I felt the same- but OMG having my kids is the best thing I have ever ever done in my entire life. There are of course bumps in the road (generally 3amers) but they are so temporary that I forget them in a heartbeat.

Mine are 11 & 8 now… yes, they are the central thought/ consideration of everything I do and every choice I make but that is a positive. They are not a chain around my ankle, they are my anchor in sometimes stormy waters.

People largely post when it’s tough going and they need an outlet- so I think there is a huge skew in what you read about the experience. Lean into it, enjoy the road, nothing truly worth having comes without effort.

xxxx

I have an 11 year age gap pending.

I suffered with really bad pnd with my oldest daughter and it was an absolutely terrifying time, even looking back now it stings.

Now fast forward all those years I’m now expecting a summer baby and initially I was absolutely terrified. I cried for weeks and then had a massive bleed followed by another two. I then quickly realised just how much I really wanted this baby but doesn’t take away the feelings of being scared.

The closer I’m getting to my due date I’m panicky about will I remember the things I need to? Will I cope ok? Will I survive on lack of sleep again? But ultimately we muddle through and regardless of struggles we seem to find away.

Your feelings are totally valid and I just wanted to reassure you that even after your first baby, you can have those feelings and fears and it’s not awful.

I will say however my oldest is not a very delightful teen but was an amazing baby and toddler 🤣

To be fair op, I always did want dc and was very excited to become a mum but those early days of pregnancy are a bit of an anticlimax. Nothing really happens (I had really bad morning sickness and even that didn't kick in till 7 weeks) and it's too early to get excited or start planning properly. It does all start feeling more real when you have scans and start showing, then feeling movement. And having dc is so wonderful. I know everything can seem so negative online but honestly I wouldn't trade my dc for the world. We have a lovely time together and they are my favourite people to hang out with. Of course there are hard times, and a lot of stress/worry, but that's just life and would be the case regardless. It's hardly as though childfree people never get stressed! Congratulations and I hope it all goes smoothly for you!

I'm approaching 12 weeks now, and if I was told it was a miscarriage, my predominant feeling would be annoyance that I'd have been through all that sickness and inconvenience for nothing. And that if have to do it AGAIN if I wanted a baby.

I am looking forward to being a mum, but in a very abstract way at present. Lots of my mum friends are similar - the pregnancy is very disconnected from the actual child. I think that it's sensible to acknowledge that you don't have those feelings yet, and there's nothing wrong with it.

Re: the difficulties of parenting - you can't really fortune tell there. Once I'm telling people, I'm going to be pretty blunt with all the bland bullshit people come out with. "Yes, a lot of people have said that, not very interesting conversation really, what will be will be."

I think you're having a panic. Enjoy your symptom free pregnancy. They will probably arrive later on.