Growing apart from best friend

[summerhillgang]

I am married, have a child, another on the way, multiple animals, have moved out the city and live a relatively busy life working full time on a new business and house renovation. My best friend (for last 20 years) and her boyfriend are currently staying with a family member whilst trying to find a house to buy (proving a nightmare), also been trying for a baby for many years (but not sought out fertility treatment - their choice). She has been out of work for months and has cancelled the last few arrangements we’ve had (one to come see us and another to meet in the city where she lives), I assume because of money but also possibly because I am pregnant and it’s hard for her right now.

It kind of leaves us in a weird place as I can’t go to see her as she’s got no way of hosting us, even if I went to see her on my own (not easy), and she has cancelled dinners out that I have booked (even though I said I would pay). It’s kind of made us virtual friends, like she’s happy to just message back and forth on WhatsApp day in, day out, where as I really need something more than this from a friendship. It’s quite tedious stuff she sends and always asking so many questions about my life, sometimes it feels a bit intense like the third degree. I just don’t have the energy for it, basically I only want to use WhatsApp for exchanging real news/updates or making plans.
She is my DC’s god mum but has spent very little time with them since they were born.

I’ve pulled away recently after she cancelled on me again, due to mental health issues / feeling depressed. I told her I was here if she wanted to talk but the reality is she doesn’t, she just wants to text about her life problems, which I wouldn’t mind generally, but some of these issues have been talked about ad nauseam, I have offered advice but it’s not taken and nothing changes. It’s frustrating but obvious I do really care about her. I just don’t know what to do, unfortunately I have other people that come before her now and much less time.

What can I do? I need to have some boundaries but I also don’t want us to grow apart.

Bump

Had exactly the same situation as this! A friend who didn’t ever want to meet in real life, always cancelled, been friends the same time as you have with yours! She has issues and I tried to support but I have my own life and like you, I was getting nothing out of it! Not even meeting for coffee or a night out. I have gradually reduced my messages to her or been short with her and she’s got the hint! If someone isn’t offering anything to your life, but they are happy to take take take… back off!

So hard isn't it, I really wanted to hang out, was really looking forward to our plans and felt really upset she cancelled over and over @Whatkindofuckeryisthis - i also tried to arrange a spa day for us and she never got back to me, I offered to pay for her bday, I was desperate to just have some time away from the baby doing some pampering and tbh didn't want to go with anyone else

You're not being a good friend. Her messages are her way of talking. She's clearly going through a shit time and you've made it all about what you want and need.

@Violaviolin I mean I have no cut her off, just being a bit shorter and not getting drawn into tedious conversations. I think it's normal to expect to see a friend, she sees other people and does have a social life. She is a big drinker and I think it's prob why she doesn't want to see me, because I can't drink right now

Sometimes being a friend involves giving more than getting. Maybe just now she needs you to listen even if it is a bit of a chore. If you do think you've had enough then that's fine sometimes friendships peter out.

I feel bad for pulling away, I don't want to lose the friendship. I know I should prob just give her a call and see how she's going (she would never call me) but by time I've sorted dinners, bath and caught up with stuff, it's close to bed time.

Just pull back a bit, respond politely and see what will happen in future. Most friendships over decades have peaks and troughs, no need to get dramatic about it.

I don’t agree.
yes it’s ok to vent sometimes but OP isn’t her counselor! OP has offered ideas of help and nothing changes! I had the same with my friend… suggested all kinds of help she didn’t take my advice but wanted to vent to me and it was too much! Friendships work both ways!!!

Wow! How can you not understand that when you're at your lowest point all the advice in the world doesn't help. You can't hear it, you can't action it. You are surviving.

I do get that but also it isn’t fair to put that on someone else all the time!!

It's tough, I'm trying to be present for my family, so whatsapping isn't really how I want to be spending my time day in, day out. Beyond this, I just don't think I can really help her, there are these massive issues we spend ages talking about and nothing changes, so it ends up being like the elephant in the room. This is big life stuff; where to live, how to earn money, whether/how to have children due to infertility, dysfunctional / codependent family relationships, alcoholism, family trauma, possible undiagnosed ADHD... it's just a lot. I feel she needs counselling but I doubt it's ever genuinely crossed her mind - I have suggested once or twice, as have others. It's all just easier to discuss face to face, and that's what I expect at our age, genuine and the bulk of communication in-person. As I said she has an active social life that mostly revolves around drinking, it's like she doesn't want to hang out with me because I don't really drink and go to bed really early these days.

I mean do I really just keep on trying to arrange a time to meet?

So much of this is very similar to a situation i had with a friend from right back at primary school.

In as much of a nutshell as i can, but it might be long:
We spent every free moment together from aged 7 or 8 to mid teens. Laughing and sodding about. Mostly at my house. She had family mental health issues and her home was very 'closed', quiet and not accommodating for having mates round ect.

At 17 i learned to drive but none of her family did so neither did she. So then it was teenage sodding about in cars and more laughing. We were very close, but gradually my friendship group broadened but hers didn't. She would go out in a group but only because i was going. She preferred a quiet one to one still but i preferred going out to the London pubs and clubs.

The differences between us and our upbringing was kicking in. To her i was a best friend, but to me she was 'a' friend. If that makes sense?

When i had a couple of serious boyfriends she was a bit off with me, but we kept in touch. Phone calls and meet ups in roughly equal amounts. Always me doing the driving for those meet ups obvs.

Then i got married and mortgaged at 19 and I had 3 kids in 6 years. I was happy - but sooooo busy juggling work and 3 under 5s.

She had always said she wanted kids and i had always said i didn't! Life's weird.

Anyway - towards our late 20s she bought a flat with a guy she hadn't known for long and had an awful break up with him almost straight after and came to live (for free) with me for what was meant to be a couple of months while she sold up, but it turned into over a year and it strained our relationship. She DID get councelling, but my goodness that made her hard to be with. She would sit in the evenings and want to talk and talk and talk about all her issues with her family and her relationship break up and her financial situation. For hours. As if i too were a councellor. And i was dog tired with DC3 only being a few months old and having to get up for work ect.

Long story short i was getting nothing out of the friendship except grief and it was like having a 4th child. I gave so much of myself - but we were just worlds apart. I tried. I felt guilty for dreading to be around her.

When DD3 was 2 i moved to the country and (on top of the kids and new jobs) started renovating our cottage and friend just drifted away. She still never learned to drive and the miles made things worse. We had the occasional looooong phone convo. and she would visit occasionally (i would drive the round trip to pick up ect)

In the end i think she was trying for kids with a new BF but nothing was coming of it and we finally had one last convo on the phone and that was it. No big goodbye. We were late 30s by then All those years ... so sad but so glad it fizzled out!

At the end of all that rambling i don't have any real advice (sorry!) except to say that it's ok to drift apart. It's ok to let it go if it's not right. If you're giving and not receiving, for years and years, then let the friendship gently die it's death.

Christ @Laiste that sounds like hard work. My friend certainly isn't as bad as this. She has quite a successful career in what she does, very talented, very creative. Her boyfriend's a bit of drifter and not a pot to piss in but nice enough. I definitely consider her my bestie and vice Versa but it's prob right that I have a wider group of friends and get up to more with them. She doesn't leave where she lives much and goes to the same place on holiday every year.

She is just the world's biggest procrastinator; I actually wondered if giving her some space and not allowing her to wallow with me might help her somehow.

I actually wondered if giving her some space and not allowing her to wallow with me might help her somehow.

You might be right there.

When friend lived with me i probably facilitated the wallowing!

God help us!😫

@Laiste do you ever hear from you (ex) friend at all? Do you think it was the fact you were a mum and she wasn't that created the void?

The last time i actually saw her was when i remarried which was 12 years ago. All good vibes, hugs ect., but that was after a v long gap. I think we were down to twice yearly phone calls by then and obvs DHs proposal was part of the chat and i sent her an invitation and she came.

About 18 months after that she sent me a 'We're married'' card with her new surname on it and a quick note to say she and the boyfriend had loved our wedding and he'd proposed later that same day. She also explained that they'd ''gone away'' and had a ''tiny'' wedding.

I can't remember if i rang, wrote or texted but i congratulated her. I think we had one last phone call out of the blue at some point and that was that.

Wrt your own situation - i guess at least text/whatsap means you can answer in your own time? Will you carry on as you are?

I guess the brutal truth of the matter is that friendship is meant to be a thing which is a pleasure in itself, and when one side is called upon to provide a lot of support it's done gladly, but in the knowledge/hope that they'd do the same for you, and that also, frankly, there is actually hope of the relationship returning to mostly being about fun for both of you again. If either of those is gone then what's left?

Or maybe that's just me?! 😂

In my case the time did actually come for me to have a terrible crisis and she could have reciprocated some of the time/trouble i had gone to for her years earlier, but she backed away as fast as poss. She was as much use as a chocolate tea pot! That was the true death knell for me. That was before the last time i saw her, but i'd already decided it was all dead in the water sadly.

She is a big drinker and I think it's prob why she doesn't want to see me, because I can't drink right now

This could have some bearing on why she is not conceiving.

How is she going to buy a house if she's not working?

Sometimes you just have to part ways.

@determinedtomakethiswork inherited a large amount of money but not enough to buy outright in the area she wants to live in, and can't get a mortgage for various reasons, so is therefore is completely stuck about where they are going to live - can't think outside the box etc it's been going on for a year and all the time they've been living with a relative sharing a room with a huge commute to work

@KimberleyClark yes I think this might be contributing factor, and it's also one which has driven us further apart as I have been trying to conceive / pregnant / had a very small child for last 5 years

@Laiste rude to not invite you to her wedding for a start, her oldest friend

I think you're absolutely right about give and take, and having to make a call whether it's ever going to get back to being fun / pleasurable / in-person rather than depressing / frustrating / virtual.

It's disappointing she couldn't be there for you, after you'd put her up for a year whilst having small DC. You made the right decision, she does not sound like a good friend