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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not do this?

17 replies

paulhollywoodshairgel · 10/04/2023 12:54

I am fully aware I might be being a little u. I am currently off work after having a full mental health breakdown. I am still not well. Getting help and taking meds but still on very shaky ground.

I'm the last few weeks my in laws have become a lot worse with their own issues. My DH is having to go over there most days. This is fine. I get the feeling that when he's back to work that I am expected to take over. Go there every day and cook, clean and things. At the moment I am barely getting through the day looking after myself and our 4 DC. Getting them to school and getting the eldest to study for exams and all that comes with a family. I just don't have the mental capacity. My gran used to say 'you can't get water out of a dry sponge' that about sums it up really!

Am I being really selfish?

OP posts:

UsingChangeofName · 10/04/2023 23:29

No, of course you aren't.
You are literally off work, sick.
If you are able to look after 4dc, then that is great, but you aren't signed off your paid job, to take up a different unpaid job as a carer.

You need to ask him directly what plans are in place for once he is back at work. Ask him if he has done anything about making any arrangements that need to be made.

Ktime · 10/04/2023 23:32

YANBU, leave him to it, don’t get involved at all.

You are managing the DC on your own whilst he is caring for them, that is your contribution.

They should get professional carers, it’s just not feasible for you to be their carer, despite society looking for the nearest female relative to become the carer.

Hadalifeonce · 10/04/2023 23:33

If his parents need lots of support, he needs to ensure something is in place before he goes back to work.
It is not something for you to do, you need to make sure your life is conducive to getting healthy.

doubtfulguest · 10/04/2023 23:43

No you are not being unreasonable. I would make it clear to your husband that he needs to help his parents organise care for when he is not there He can find information on their local authority website about arranging a care assessment and getting a benefits check (sounds like they may be entitled Attendsnce Allowance, which is not means tested). If they have the finances they can call the care companies directly. It is stressful when your parents start to need help but it sounds like you have more than enough to cope with atm. Hope you feel better soon op.

itsmylife7 · 10/04/2023 23:57

No you're not being selfish.
Look after yourself so you can look after your children.

he'll have to sort his parents out some other way.....not your problem

Vgt6y357 · 11/04/2023 00:06

My inlaws have lots of issues which my husband deals with. It's nothing to do with me, although I have stepped in occasionally. I have my own mother to deal with and my own shit to juggle.

This idea that women are service humans really annoys me. Can anyone imagine a man posting that his inlaws have problems and he feels he's expected to take over from his wife? To go there every day to cook and clean? And yet women feel so guilty if they don't sacrifice their own needs for the wants of others.

If your inlaws need carers you husband needs to organise carers. End of.

TonTonMacoute · 11/04/2023 00:17

They should get professional carers, it’s just not feasible for you to be their carer, despite society looking for the nearest female relative to become the carer.

This

KrisAkabusi · 11/04/2023 00:18

I get the feeling that when he's back to work that I am expected to take over. Go there every day and cook, clean and things.

Expected by who? Your in-laws or your husband? Either way you need to have a conversation with them and explain why this won't be happening.

Ilovetea42 · 11/04/2023 00:24

No yanbu, sit down with your husband and say you're worried about this because you don't think you'd be able to manage at the moment as you're still recovering yourself and don't want to take on too much and have a slip backwards. Then ask if you can make a plan for what to do when he goes back to work. That way he knows you're not going to be fit for it and you'll hopefully get a bit of peace of mind knowing that he's making alternative arrangements. Or maybe you have a think about what you do (and it might not be anything) feel able to do and commit to only that for now and see how you go.

Murdoch1949 · 11/04/2023 05:31

Good god, I'm surprised you're not permanently in a darkened room (and that was before I got to the bit about your 4 children). You have been much too accommodating to your in laws, and by default your husband. It's up to him to support them, you need to focus on getting well and doing the best for your children.

FrigginFrig · 11/04/2023 05:34

Yanbu you've got enough on your plate, 4 kids is hard work as it is.

Seabreeze18 · 11/04/2023 06:35

Sort out private care for them! What’s going to happen if u can’t look after your kids too? U need to protect your mental health first. Good luck

Original poster

paulhollywoodshairgel · 11/04/2023 08:08

Thanks everyone. I will sit down with him and try to lay out why I can't do it. He's not an unreasonable man so hopefully he will get it.

Im just so tired from trying to carry on and recover and do everything else.

OP posts:

Mightyouandiconfabulate · 11/04/2023 08:19

Can I just interject with a bit of sympathy for your husband too OP.

Sounds like he is in the eye of a storm too with his parents needing what they need, yourself being unwell and 4 kids to cater to.

Is he not worried about everyone and everything too, He must be besides himself worrying about you for a kick off.

I hope that together you can come up with a plan that suits everyone op.
All the very best in your recovery x

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 11/04/2023 08:36

Mightyouandiconfabulate · 11/04/2023 08:19

Can I just interject with a bit of sympathy for your husband too OP.

Sounds like he is in the eye of a storm too with his parents needing what they need, yourself being unwell and 4 kids to cater to.

Is he not worried about everyone and everything too, He must be besides himself worrying about you for a kick off.

I hope that together you can come up with a plan that suits everyone op.
All the very best in your recovery x

If the DH is worried about OP then there wouldn't be this expectation of her to take over when he goes back to work. He should be doing his best to help her get well, not expecting her to run herself into the ground

Mightyouandiconfabulate · 11/04/2023 09:26

She never said that her dh had the expectations though.

If it were reversed and it were a man saying he was so unwell he was off work and caring for 4. Kids and his wife was caring for her parents every day, worried he would have to take on his ils, responses would be different.

I still think that there is a PERSON at the centre of all of this with worries.

Cherry8809 · 11/04/2023 09:32

Can you talk to him and perhaps get him to do at least his fair share of school runs etc?

Im sorry you’re going through a tough time and struggling, but I imagine the added pressure of assuming caring duties for his parents will take its toll on your DH too.

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