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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my old neighbour stalking me?

18 replies

KittyKatMcNairn · 10/04/2023 11:59

Hello! Looking for a little advice. Sorry it’s long!

So, our old upstairs neighbour moved out of her flat 2 years ago - we are unsure if she decided to move or if the council pushed her but she has told 7 of the other neighbours in our stairway that we ‘done her a favour’ and her life is ‘so much better’…

Our life has genuinely been amazing and in these 2 years since she got moved to another house, we got married, had a baby and essentially just moved on with our lives.

5 years straight we dealt with intimidation and harassment, death threats, vandalism, stalking, slander, you name it we had all sorts. This was herself as well as her 8 brothers and sisters, ex boyfriend and also her father. This all started as we simply asked if she could keep her music down, not blaring during the week as me and my husband work. They have even followed my Dad back to his home after he visited me and they slashed his tyres.

I have been on numerous medication during those 5 years - various antidepressants, anxiety meds, sleeping pills and counselling through my employment.

The problem we now face (a handful of times in 2 years) is that she has come back to the building to ‘surprise visit’ one of the old ladies in her 80s who lives in the building but we know she’s just doing it to annoy us as she shouts in the stairway ‘I’m baaaaack’, makes herself heard and slams the front main door shut and laughs outside very loudly. We even think she’s trying to target my husband’s car as she said when she walked past it with her sister ‘I think it’s that one, it’s been here the past few times I’ve walked past’.

Before anyone asks we couldn’t move home as there was antisocial behaviour on her part and we could not sell our property however life is just so much better now but this situation makes my anxiety sky high when she does come back. I have a 3 month old baby now (unsure if she knows this information) and we just don’t understand why she can’t just move on? It’s been 2 years!

As she is a council tenant we had already approached the council the first time she ‘surprise visited’ the elderly lady and in the middle of the stair slandered us to the new couple at the bottom of the building and the council basically told us that she can come back and visit however if she does any anti social behaviours or offence to contact the police.

Any suggestions? We don’t want to approach the old lady incase she takes anything back to her and things escalate again?

Can I also add that she brought her small daughter, nephew and sister recently as well as her sister. Apparently these kids are scared of us so why would she come back? 🙄

Is it worth contacting Community Police? I just fear they reach out to her and things escalate once again and we have her entire family on us again or she comes here more regularly but I’m scared of my baby’s safety as well as my sanity and my husband’s.

Scotland, UK.

Thanks.

OP posts:

EsmeSusanOgg · 10/04/2023 12:03

Call 101 to log these incidences. This sounds like ongoing harrasment/ plans to attempt to continue harrasment.

Also, get ahead of this with the new neighbours. Say you had serious issues with an antisocial tenant and the council and police needed to be involved due to harrasment and criminal damage.

AgrathaChristie · 10/04/2023 12:04

Does the elderly lady actually want her to visit or is she inflicting herself and various relatives on her? Can you speak to the elderly lady, just ask her how she is?
As the ex neighbour hadn’t done anything criminal try not to stress over what she might do. If there’s been a gap she might just get bored and move onto something else.

JuneBridie · 10/04/2023 12:08

I can’t imagine what you would expect the police to do, she’s not breaking any laws by visiting a neighbor in her old stair. I get that you’re clearly afraid of this woman and her extended family but you can’t dictate where she goes.

It sounds like she enjoys getting a rise out of you and you’re giving her what she wants if you start involving the authorities when realistically they can’t help you.

Stop giving her headspace.

Thelnebriati · 10/04/2023 12:09

I don't recommend you speak to your elderly neighbour yourself, but you could raise a welfare issue with other services such as Adult Social Services.
Also, keep an incident diary. It might not be stalking but it is harassment.

ThinWomansBrain · 10/04/2023 12:10

if she's not continuing to threaten you, then I'm not certain what the police could do.
She could genuinely be visiting the old lady whom she's clearly known for many years, and just taking advantage of you being there to wind you up - rather than visiting the woman purely as an excuse to stalk/harass you.
If you do contact the police - to report what exactly?
Be vigilant, but if it's two/three times annually, just be thankful that it's now a rare occasion rather than daily harassment.

Original poster

KittyKatMcNairn · 10/04/2023 12:10

Thank you for your reply. My husband is very against of contacting 101 however I agree with you as I feel it’s ongoing harassment. The new neighbours basically just nod their head at her as they know it’s all a load of rubbish!

OP posts:

Original poster

KittyKatMcNairn · 10/04/2023 12:13

In regards to this old lady, I feel she may be a bit vulnerable so I will check to see what I can do with the welfare side of things. The old lady had an ASBO against this old neighbour years before I moved in. Thanks for everyone’s replies. We are just nervous leaving our house again as she turns up around the time I would come home from work (I’m on maternity leave at present) and this is something she would do when she lived here and then phone her extended family and say I threatened her!

OP posts:

Thelnebriati · 10/04/2023 12:17

I would mention the old ASBO when I contacted adult social services to voice concern about her welfare.

ReformedWaywardTeen · 10/04/2023 12:19

Could she be cuckooing the old lady?

There was a similar incident where I live as it was in the local paper. These types of chavvy people like she sounds find a vulnerable, often lonely person and they basically use their home for dodgy reasons.

I think I would contact with a concern for the welfare of the elderly lady with adult social care. They could be up to all sorts, taking money, stealing, just why decide to visit her?

And yes, contact police but make it clear that you would rather they said the concern came from another agency if they contact her.

hedgehoglurker · 10/04/2023 12:33

You say you can't move due to her, but it isn't clear why.

If she no longer lives there, you surely wouldn't need to disclose a neighbour dispute. It is now resolved as she is no longer your neighbour.

Annoyingwurringnoise · 10/04/2023 12:42

As long as they aren’t actually doing anything criminal just leave it. For them harassing you is a cost benefit analysis, the cost being the effort they need to put in and the benefit being the reaction they get from you. For the last couple of years they’ve been doing pretty low grade stuff, which while it might be annoying to you is quite harmless. Presumably you haven’t reacted to them, or at least they haven’t seen you react to them, so the fact that they haven’t escalated suggests they aren’t that invested in making your life miserable anymore, which is a good thing for you. As time goes on they’ll settle for smaller and smaller transactions until they get bored and move onto the next victim. If you do react however, and remind them how much they enjoy your reaction, you will definitely rekindle their interest in you.

obviously the above doesn’t apply if they do anything criminal, at which point you should involve the police.

hattie43 · 10/04/2023 13:02

My first thought is whether she's stealing / scamming the old lady . Unless related I can't see an old lady wanting to retain a friendship with such a person as this . I'd log everything and report any concerns to the police who may offer guidance and the council / social services / family of the old lady

Annoyingwurringnoise · 10/04/2023 13:19

Honestly OP, I wouldn’t concern yourself with this woman’s interactions with anyone else. Firstly, your only conjecturing that her interest in this elderly neighbor is nefarious and it might not be. Even some of the most unpleasant people I’ve met have people they genuinely care about, and this elderly lady really isn’t your responsibility. You have a baby to consider now, as well as yourself, which leads me onto the second reason, you really don’t want their interest turned back on you. You said yourself things have been much better since they left, so do you really want things to go back to the way they were before they left, or worse?

unclebuck · 10/04/2023 13:22

You need to speak to all the neighbours about it. When she shouts smile and firmly tell her that no one was expecting her or wants her to visit and she needs to leave. Tell her firmly "We all speak about this matter and are in agreement"
This is what worked with my problem neighbour. A united front.

ThinWomansBrain · 10/04/2023 13:27

If the neighbour had an order against the woman, the visits sound odd.

How friendly with the woman are you, is she lonely and glad of any visitors?
If you have concerns about that, report to adult social services - but keep it about the woman and your concern for her, otherwise it may come across as a personal vendetta.

thedogsmum · 10/04/2023 14:08

Can you move, as she's gone there's no longer a dispute with neighbours - this all sounds so stressful.

Terrribletwos · 10/04/2023 14:21

The fact that there has been previous intimidation and the fact that the elderly neighbour had previously an Asbo against them would make me want to do something, especially the latter! I would report to the police and the council and particularly emphasise the Asbo. It is very concerning that this elder could be getting taking advantage of or being threatened.

TempNCforthis · 10/04/2023 15:24

the old lady had an ASBO against this old neighbour years before I moved in

The old lady definitely needs protecting from her. You should contact adult social services on her behalf and explain everything. That might be an easier way of getting shut of her than doing it on your own behalf. I'm so sorry - she sounds like a nightmare.

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