Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this before? Any advice would be appreciated.
My mum was a single parent for most of my childhood, after divorcing my dad when I was 5. My dad wasn’t in the picture at all whilst I was growing up and we have only just started talking again after having no contact for over 20 years. I’m 28 now. I know he didn’t contribute financially when I was a child, was physically and mentally abusive, manipulative, cheated. We nearly lost the house and became homeless because he tried to take it off her during the divorce (my mum told me all of this when I was older, not as a child, and only because I asked). In all fairness, my mum has never talked badly about my dad in front of me, although I wouldn’t blame her if she did. Both of my parents were alcoholics - well, dad still is, mum stopped around 8 years ago after losing her driving licence for driving under the influence and nearly losing her job. She honestly has changed her life around and I couldn’t be more proud of her.
Things weren’t easy when I was growing up (for both of us). My grandma played a huge part in my life and looked after me most days so mum could work as she couldn’t afford full time child care. I know my grandma use to get upset with my mum for the drinking. My mum was an abusive drunk. I feel awful for saying it but she really was. She would come home from a night out and start a fight with me for no reason. I would be in bed and she’d barge in and start shouting and swearing at me. I’d beg her to go to sleep but she’d stay up for hours into the night just arguing with me. She use to snap a lot and did hit me on the odd occasion if I spoke back. I never told my family about the hitting though. The amount of times she knocked herself out from being absolutely wasted and would end up in the hospital. She came home so many times with black eyes from falling over/hurting herself. She was never a happy/funny drunk if that makes sense.
Things got so bad that my grandma told her she would only look after me so she could work, and not for nights out, but my mum just found someone else to babysit so she could drink. My grandma didn’t like that and gave in and told her to bring me back as she didn’t want anyone else looking after me. As I got older I wanted to stay at home more so I could be with my friends (grandma lived around 30 mins away) and my grandma hated this and would always beg me to stay at her house when she knew my mum was going out as she knew what would happen. My auntie tried her best to intervene as well and tried to take me out of the home (without involving social services as she knew mum would never forgive her if she called them) but the older I got the more I pushed back as I just wanted to go out with my friends and both my auntie and grandma lived further away. My education suffered for a couple of years and I did go off the rails a bit when I was around 15-16, not turning up to school, taking drugs, smoking, hanging around with the wrong people etc. I know this made the situation worse and caused more problems at home.
My mum only really sought help after losing her licence, nearly her job and meeting my step dad, as he told her he would leave her if she didn’t sort herself out. She hasn’t drank now for over 8 years and she is like a different person. We have a much better relationship now because of it. I also moved out when I was 21 and I feel we get on much better now that we live apart. We did also have some family counselling years ago but that didn’t go on for long. She has always apologised for my childhood, and to this day I still think she carries some sort of guilt around with her. The issue I have now, is that my mum can be very overbearing and I honestly feel suffocated at times. We speak every day, sometimes 2-3 times a day. She initiates the contact. Obviously I want to speak to my mum but once a day, or even every other day would be enough for me. For example, yesterday she called at 3pm, had a quick chat then said she’d call me back later that night. She’d already called yesterday morning. She constantly texts me, I mean literally all day and if I don’t respond she will call or keep texting until I respond. She turns up to my house unannounced. She has gone into my house before whilst I’ve been at home and cleaned. It’s her way of “helping”, even though she knows I suffer with OCD tendencies and like to clean/sort the house out myself. Another example, on Saturday she rang me early morning, I was getting ready to go out and told her I was leaving soon, she turned up, but then apologised and said she knew I was going out! Ffs, why? It makes me feel awkward and if I don’t invite her in, I feel guilty for it.
She constantly wants to know every detail of my life. If I start dating someone, she will ask me nonstop questions about him. If she knows I’m going on a date she will constantly text me until I respond. She rings me every night after work to ask how work was? I’ve been in my job for 3 years. Nothing’s changed. I know she’s trying to be nice, but sometimes I just want to have my tea and go to bed after a long day. I’ve tried to tell her before that she needs to stop, but she either gets defensive and I feel guilty for upsetting her, or she does stop for a few days and then starts again. I’m knackered with it all. I’ve spoken to my auntie about this a few times and she thinks it’s because my mum is trying to make up for what happened during my childhood. I know she feels guilty about the past and wants to do what she can do now that I’m older to make up for it, but it’s just too much. I don’t necessarily blame her for what happened when I was a child tbh. I think my dad played a huge part in why my mum had problems. I just can’t take it anymore though. I’m 28 years old, a fully grown woman with a home and life of my own. I feel suffocated, and from speaking to friends and family I don’t know anyone else who speaks to their parent as much as I do.
It goes without saying, I love my mum very much but I can’t take it anymore. Please help.