Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting to go on holiday with in-laws when MIL has stage 4 cancer. Do I just suck it up?

203 replies

muminlondon90 · 10/04/2023 03:25

For context, my husband’s family live in Italy (he’s Italian) and we live in the Uk.

In-laws in Italy, I'm told are often known for being interfering - and we've had many problems in this area, with a lot of disrespect. I get that there are cultural differences at play - but also, there's just some mean stuff that shouldn't be excused.

On the last "holiday" with in-laws, it was 2 weeks before our wedding (in Italy) MIL sat me down in front of everyone and told me she was wearing a white dress to our wedding - and I don't mind though do I.

She didn't end up wearing it, as we said we weren't quite comfortable with that, but she chose the palest of pink colours so it was almost white. This sounds petty but it's just an example of the sort of passive aggressive stuff they do.

MIL has mellowed however and was much, much worse than that mild example in the past. She doesn't make constant digs and criticisms but SIL is horrendously passive aggressive.

Her 11 year old daughter gives me daggers all the time (I make so much effort with her and she’s just not interested) It’s really obvious and hurtful but I think stems from her mum’s attitude.

We've been on 3 holidays with them so far with our DS - so I've really tried, and each time it's been so stressful, uncomfortable and just made the relationship with them even more strained. It just doesn't work.

Even DH's brother avoids his own sister which I just think explains a lot. He only goes on family holidays only when the parents pay for everything and has been on just one in 6 years.

But MIL has now been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer.... I know we need to get over there and make memories but after the last holiday - we were having couples therapy to recover!!

DH has said "oh my sister is arranging another holiday this year".

I know I should suck it up. It’s one week. But it’s also like a hand grenade into our marriage which has been buckling under the pressure recently anyway.

I completely understand the need for us to go back there as much as we can. I want to see MIL too and for our son to make precious memories with her…but family holidays are too intense.

I've suggested we go on 3 separate trips over there as a minimum, so 3 weeks at least, including at Christmas with any other more urgent trips too if she needs support.

But a holiday is just too intense. Example of one thing last time - SIL rolling her eyes at me when she’s making plans with my son in Italian and about to go off with him in the car and I politely ask what is being arranged. She then takes him off without actually getting our consent while her daughter points at me and laughs.

They’re quite xenophobic I think and despite having the means to come to see our home in the UK, they have yet to do this - they very little boundaries or respect for me, or our lives in the UK.

But what will be worse for our marriage - me refusing to go, or sucking it up and feeling resentful that I'm in the firing line with nowhere to go again?

I know my husband will have a great time, and my son. I love them both dearly, but I also love my marriage and my mental health too.

DH won't go without me, which I understand - as I wouldn't want to go on a family hol with DS and not him either.

Even with my own family, we tried a holiday abroad and it just didn't work - it did the relationship no good at all, and we decided then that we wouldn't do it again and just stick to visits and holiday just the 3 of us.

I'm sure I haven't expressed everything properly in here but wanted to get some insight. I have not said I won't go on the trip - I'm just dreading it and don't want to, but if I have to - I have to.

OP posts:
Pruneaux · 10/04/2023 03:35

Yanbu, but you also need to support your DH at this time - do the right thing and go if it’s important to him. It may be good for your relationship to show him you care enough to make this sacrifice. I find meditation helps me to manage my in-laws in these holiday situations.

MrsMikeDrop · 10/04/2023 03:36

You said it yourself. It's one week, suck it up. You have to do it.

Original poster
muminlondon90 · 10/04/2023 03:40

Pruneaux · 10/04/2023 03:35

Yanbu, but you also need to support your DH at this time - do the right thing and go if it’s important to him. It may be good for your relationship to show him you care enough to make this sacrifice. I find meditation helps me to manage my in-laws in these holiday situations.

I find gin helps too - but I get judged for having a tipple, so better roll out the yoga mat instead. Oh, I'd get judged for that too.

Gin it is😂

OP posts:
snitzelvoncrumb · 10/04/2023 03:41

Let your DH know that yes you will go and see his family. Don’t go when others are visiting and have your own accommodation.
If you can’t do this limit to staying three nights.

Original poster
muminlondon90 · 10/04/2023 03:45

snitzelvoncrumb · 10/04/2023 03:41

Let your DH know that yes you will go and see his family. Don’t go when others are visiting and have your own accommodation.
If you can’t do this limit to staying three nights.

No i'm saying we'll go for 3 weeks at least to visit and do just this....

it's the 7 day resort holiday in a hotel that just causes all kinds of stress - waking up for breakfast, eating together every single night - people wanting different things, it just becomes something really explosive for some reason.... you'd think it would be the opposite as people want to relax!

OP posts:
AliceOlive · 10/04/2023 03:47

I’m not sure you should but I know it’s very difficult to decline. Do you have the means to take the holiday but stay in a separate place near by? Could you create some space by running off a bit on day trips without the whole family?

Original poster
muminlondon90 · 10/04/2023 03:47

MrsMikeDrop · 10/04/2023 03:36

You said it yourself. It's one week, suck it up. You have to do it.

Even if I'm sucking up 3 other weeks (just not a holiday resort) and christmas and any other trips there?

I feel so anxious just at the thought of a £1,700 holiday we can't really afford, only to come away feeling horrible and dealing with all this crap throughout

OP posts:
StylishM · 10/04/2023 03:52

Why is DH not sitting his sister down and addressing the way she behaves towards you? This would go a long way towards making a decision on whether to go or not. Personally I'd avoid the resort holiday and do the separate trips

Original poster
muminlondon90 · 10/04/2023 03:57

StylishM · 10/04/2023 03:52

Why is DH not sitting his sister down and addressing the way she behaves towards you? This would go a long way towards making a decision on whether to go or not. Personally I'd avoid the resort holiday and do the separate trips

Yes to this! Because DH is passive and conflict avoidant just like his family 😂

No one says anything outright - just passive aggressive stuff all the time, it drives me mad as I am so open and honest (probably too much)

This is the source of our marital woes which is another reason I'm scared to go - because he doesn't stand up for me and it impacts our marriage because I feel let down and lose respect. It's also often because he doesn't even see it as his family operate in this weird, bullying way and it is just normal for him.

I thought they were all so pleasant - and SIL is very charming... until we had a child and the mask slipped!

OP posts:
LettingMySouthSideShow · 10/04/2023 04:00

I wouldn’t do any of it of it if I was you. It’s so easy not to treat someone badly, my attitude would be that it was a choice that they did, and now my choice is to not put up with it regardless of circumstances. You don’t have to do any of it.

Ragwort · 10/04/2023 04:00

Your DH needs to be more understanding of the situation and take your DS without you, it's not just a 'family holiday' for your own family but the opportunity to spend some quality time with his own DM before it's too late. Why can't you just stay at home? It's probably the situation everyone would prefer but your DH is being the stubborn one by insisting you go along as well. Just accept that this year you don't get a family holiday.. I am sure that is better than having such a stressful time away. Make up some excuse if you have to.

WandaWonder · 10/04/2023 04:06

MrsMikeDrop · 10/04/2023 03:36

You said it yourself. It's one week, suck it up. You have to do it.

I totally see why the husband has to go but why does she HAVE to go?

Sure there could be ways to work around everything it does not have to be difficult

The husband and child goes, and if there is a simple way for the op to go if not she stays home

Tumbler2121 · 10/04/2023 04:31

Your husband should go on his own or with your son. Why do you say he wouldn’t do this? You’ve said he has a great time with his family, but when you go it’s just stress all round?

NumberTheory · 10/04/2023 04:34

If you’re going to go for 3 other weeks, I think you could skip this one and let DH go with DS while you stay home.

But if you do end up going, my tip for holidaying with family I really don’t get on with I is to treat it like a job. They are clients and whatever they say, it’s really nothing to do with me. I nod and smile and jump through hoops and don’t actually consider their opinion of me as of any consequence to me at all. Then when it’s over I treat myself to relaxing baths/wine/spa/etc. and catch up with the people I love, friends and other family, and forget everything about them except for the fact that I got the job done.

Teatotalnot · 10/04/2023 04:35

All very sad, under the circumstances but............... maybe you will feel guilty if you dont go, maybe it will put more of a strain on your marriage ( which is sad in itself ) if your marriage were stronger this would not happen. You seem very alone in this union, maybe you should be taking a hard look at that. To feel lonely within a relationship is not healthy. Good luck, remember who you are! Or were x

Emilia35 · 10/04/2023 04:36

Why can't your husband and son go without you? It'd be so awful of him not to do that for his mum just because you can't go - and you can't. It affects your mental health too much, plus you're already going there another 2-3 times including Christmas! So you're being very supportive as it is.

You're completely reasonable to skip the holiday, given your husband never stands up for you or corrects the passive aggressive behavior. He needs to prioritize his mum now, as well as his marriage, let you have a relaxed week and just go on the holiday with your son.

Original poster
muminlondon90 · 10/04/2023 04:39

Teatotalnot · 10/04/2023 04:35

All very sad, under the circumstances but............... maybe you will feel guilty if you dont go, maybe it will put more of a strain on your marriage ( which is sad in itself ) if your marriage were stronger this would not happen. You seem very alone in this union, maybe you should be taking a hard look at that. To feel lonely within a relationship is not healthy. Good luck, remember who you are! Or were x

Wow, this is powerful. Thank you. I do feel very lonely.

OP posts:
LoveSong · 10/04/2023 04:41

MrsMikeDrop · 10/04/2023 03:36

You said it yourself. It's one week, suck it up. You have to do it.

She absolutely doesn’t have to do it.

We don’t have to be nice and considerate and selfless to those who are cunts to us.

Guavafish1 · 10/04/2023 04:47

I think your husband and son should go alone. It's only a week.

TomatoSandwiches · 10/04/2023 04:48

Your husband sounds a bit wet, he should take DS with him or go alone, he doesn't get to expect you to go and be treated badly by his family and not stand up for you.

Ivymom · 10/04/2023 04:52

Can you and your DH get some appointments with a marriage counselor now? I personally think your compromise of visits that aren’t an extended family holiday is more than generous. His relatives don’t treat you well and he has spent years refusing to address it. At this point, it’s his fault that you don’t want to holiday with them because he has failed as a husband.

Most of my in-laws don’t treat me well. My DH has address this with them. Because they choose to continue this, we rarely see them (it’s been a few years since the kids and I have traveled to their area and visited) and when we do, it is limited to meeting at restaurants for quick meals together. My DH has visited a few times while the kids and I remained home.

My FIL was diagnosed with a terminal illness last year. My SIL, who the kids and I have cut off because she can’t help herself from being horrible to me, was the gatekeeper to seeing FIL. My DH made multiple trips to visit his dad and attended his dad’s funeral alone. We discussed this extensively and felt it was best for me not to have to suffer their mistreatment and for our children not witness it. Unfortunately, a sick jerk is still a jerk and grieving/stress isn’t going to improve people’s behaviors.

Sleepyandconfused · 10/04/2023 04:52

As others have said, the obvious solution is for them to go without you.

PriOn1 · 10/04/2023 05:02

Does your son speak Italian and you don’t, or is it just that he’s a lot more fluent than you? I can’t imagine marrying someone and not working quite hard to learn their mother tongue. Might that be at least part of the reason visits are difficult? I’d have to wonder whether SIL is judging you and using it against you deliberately as she thinks you ought to have made the effort.

Either way, as it does cause so much tension, I think I’d be telling “D”H to go on his own with your son. The tension will be there before the holiday either way as one of you will be resentful in the run up, but if you do something else, at least you both get time off during the actual break. And given MIL’s diagnosis, if you do go and it creates tension then nobody is going to be happy with you.

Charley50 · 10/04/2023 05:03

Yes they go without you. Why doesn't your husband want to do that?

2Rebecca · 10/04/2023 05:13

Visiting ill MIL is one thing. Spending a lot of money on a resort hotel with SIL that includes MIL is another. SIL's holiday can be time for her to spend time with her mum. You and your family decline and visit another week although bear in mind MIL may not still be here by Christmas so I'd plan to go earlier