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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To treat my sister differently to my friends

13 replies

Pepperminties · 09/04/2023 14:41

My sister thinks I treat my friends better. We share some close friends and all went away together for the weekend, which ended up in an argument between me and her that I treat them differently, nicer, than I treat her.

We don’t always see eye to eye but I think I just don’t feel as relaxed around her, it’s not intentional, which I did tell her. I find her quite prickly and highly strung at times, unsure when she is next going to pull me up on something.

So actually, yes I may unintentionally treat her differently, but is it necessarily unreasonable?

OP posts:

Coffeellama · 09/04/2023 14:42

I don’t think it’s unreasonable, she’s your sister not your friend, the relationship is different! If you didn’t treat her worse you’d probably treat her better than your friends. It’s inevitable really.

MoreSleepPleasee · 09/04/2023 14:47

We can be friend with our siblings but it's not like we chose them as friends, we were kind of forced in to it. Yanbu op.

SalmonEile · 09/04/2023 14:47

Can you give some examples of treating the friends better - I think you don’t have to be friends with her just because you’re sisters but in a group setting I can see how it would cause friction if there’s a marked difference in the way you interact with your friends

Createausername1970 · 09/04/2023 14:49

You choose your friends. Your family is what it is. Some people have good sibling relationships, others don't.

Maybe you could clear the air by saying that maybe she is right, but you feel you can act more naturally with her, but you now realise that might be open to being misconstrued. Even if that isn't true, it might smooth things out.

Butter her up a bit - and make a mental note not to mix family and friends in future.

BignBootiful · 09/04/2023 14:53

I suppose we all have different kinds of relationship with our sisters, but for me I like to think that it’s the other way round and that I treat my friends well but my sister receives a bit extra in treatment because we share a special bond regardless of traits she has that I find effing annoying. I consider myself lucky to have a sister, someone I have known my whole life and who has seen me throwing teenage tantrums (as an teenager AND as an adult) shared losses together etc. There’s no comparison. But I understand not everyone is close with their sister.

Original poster

Pepperminties · 09/04/2023 20:26

@BignBootiful i would love a relationship like that with my sister but there is just this barrier, she’ll pull me up on nothing @SalmonEile i got annoyed with her constantly going over the rules in a board game, so silly I know, every time someone spoke when they shouldn’t she piped up ‘you know the rules say….’. That’s how the argument started. Friends were just going with the flow, she said I snapped at her and not them. I barley said anything just like ‘alright we get it’ or something. Right now she’s chasing me because she paid £2.50 for my sons soft play 4 days ago. I said I’d buy her a drink or something next time we were out, nope, she’s wants a bank transfer. My friends would’ve been fine with this and do the same with me if I pay a small amount for something. On the night it was her turn to cook, she planned I meal which I hate, which she knows I hate, when I brought it up a couple weeks before, she said she felt comfortable cooking it so was going to anyway. She said if my friend was cooking it I would just eat it and not bring it up, which isn’t true.
She did me a favour recently, and got annoyed as she checked the time with me via text and I just text back ‘10’. (Because I was seeing to the baby’). I didn’t think anything of it, but she said I was too blunt and I wouldn’t text my friends like that.

These things all sound very petty as I’m typing but it’s little things like this very often.

OP posts:

JudgeRudy · 09/04/2023 20:33

I guess the question is do you treat her unfairly, no equally. She's not 'equal', in fact none of your friends are. You will have favourites that you just 'like' better. She's not in that list.
I have NEVER socialised with my sister other than family occasions. We went bridesmaid shopping years ago and I turned up at her house unannounced once when I had a row with OH. As a child we walked to Brownies together then split into our friendship groups.
I think you've got it right that it's a different dynamic and you feel judged. Do you both live with your parents?

Quveas · 09/04/2023 20:36

It's true that I treat my friends better than my sister. I actually like my friends.

Original poster

Pepperminties · 09/04/2023 20:57

@JudgeRudy sometimes no, I act how I would with them but she believes otherwise, other times maybe, unintentionally, but my wall probably does go up. I just feel more understood and considered by friends most of the time. Do I treat her unfairly? I don’t think I do, but she does see it this way. Do I react to how she is different to them, yes probably.

OP posts:

Singapore4 · 09/04/2023 21:02

Sounds like you are too close and you are clashing. Just because you are sisters you can have your own set of friends and do your own thing.

JudgeRudy · 09/04/2023 21:06

That's pretty much how I imagined the situation. Interestingly I bet your sister hasn't challenged any one else from 'the gang' about not treating everyone exactly the same....which they won't. You will be able to say which 2 don't get on so well, which 2 always share a room, sit next to each other, the newcomer, the one that youve known since school and is ok but if you met her at work now or friend X didn't bring her you wouldn't be friends...its inevitable you will treat your sister differently. She does it too she just doesn't know!

Original poster

Pepperminties · 09/04/2023 22:03

Thanks for the input all, sometimes she makes me feel like maybe I’m just an a/hole

OP posts:

FrumptyMumpty · 09/04/2023 22:15

It sounds to me like your sister is trying to be there with you and is craving some connection with you.

You have time for everyone except her. It’s a pretty harsh realisation and I feel sorry for her, not you.

Yes friends choose each other, but they can opt out as easy as they opt in.

A sister, unchosen, will still be there - always. Well, unless you reject and neglect her.

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