To feel super hurt?

[HarriwithanI]

This is majorly outing but I need somewhere to talk. A close family member is having a big celebration tonight in a big venue with 250 people. All family (my siblings, DC etc) are invited. I’m literally the only one not to be.

Not to drip feed, my family are Christian (give a bad name to genuine Christian’s) and I’ve always been the “black sheep” - Dc outside of marriage, tattoos, bright hair. As a teen I lived with my gran as I was classed as ‘unruly’ (I suffered MH and my DP don’t believe in it - God and prayer should’ve been the answer).

Therefore don’t really have a relationship with my DP but they have a relationship with my DS’.
I’ve still been invited to family events - this is the first ever one I haven’t. The only thing that’s changed is I’ve gone no contact with my mum (toxic relationship). I’ve still some sort of a relationship with my dad.

I know it’s silly but it stings, I’m so hurt. It’s a small community so will be completely obvious I’m not there.

Sounds like you’ve dodged a bullet if they’re as bad as you say they are. You can’t have it both ways, if you’re nc with the family then it’s common sense you won’t be included in their gatherings.

Is it your parents who are hosting the party?

But it sounds like you don’t really have any kind of relationship with any of them, even with your dad. I’m not sure I would’ve expected to have been invited if it were me.

It’s my uncles who I grew up with. I still see my cousins (there children) and checked in on them.

I think if you have gone non contact with your mum, you should expect that you might not be invited to some family gatherings, nobody wants an atmosphere at a party.

Therefore don’t really have a relationship with my DP but they have a relationship with my DS’.

Well it's high time to nix that.

Your parents are so awful that you have gone NC with your mum.
You can't handle her as an adult, (no blame or judgement, I know how it is) so why are you expecting your children to handle her?
She will be just as brutal & judgemental to them as she was to you.

Can you reframe this no-invitation to the party? Instead of feeling hurt, let yourself be relieved that you no longer need to deal with family batshittery. Resolve that your children will be kept out of it. Use it as a springboard to cut the entire nonsense out of your lives.

You've not been invited because you're no contac with your mother. Inviting you would mean inviting drama/ awkward atmosphere.

Part of NC is dealing with the sad consequences in thw wider family.

You can still see your cousins & uncles, but will need to accept that you are going to be excluded from larger gatherings now.

I'm sorry you experienced ACE & are still suffering the fallout.
Have you ever accessed therapy, to understand the family dynamic & deal with any remaining trauma or discomfort?
https://mft.nhs.uk/rmch/services/camhs/young-people/adverse-childhood-experiences-aces-and-attachment/

I think you’re right. They’ve always had a good relationship with dc, I’ve always felt guilt that I can’t afford to do lots of things with dc whilst they can so I’ve gone along with it but the latest thing is they’ve booked a holiday behind my back for them knowing it’s something I could never give them (center parcs).
I am paranoid I’m the problem.

Yes this is fully true and I never thought of it like this.

I think it’s a blessing - you don’t need to be around people who don’t love you or want you

be strong on your own (You are far better than them and their selfish ways)

When you went nc didn't you think through to the inevitable end result of, well, not having any contact?

You can't really pick and choose when it applies.

The lack of invite has hurt you but I expect going nc hurt your mum.

Hard to know who is 'right' as we don't have your mum's version of events but that doesn't really matter. You feel how you feel.

Completely true

You’re right, I’m going to have a night of self care I think and snap out of it :)

maybe re think them having a relationship with your child, how does that even work ?

I’ll have a read of that thank you. I’ve had intensive therapy and see a psychiatrist regularly. He’s mentioned a connection between my mental health / childhood. There’s a lot more to it but I’ve posted enough of the situation on here. Thank you for your lovely comment :)

How are they booking holidays for your children without your involvement? Surely you say no thats not happening?

Found out from having a letter from school denying the holiday request!

Spoke to my dad who said they were going to tell me.

Part of me thinks I should let them go as I can never give them that experience and don’t want to be spiteful but then another thinks why should they do that. That’s a whole other thing though

I feel for you OP - and I’m kind of in the same boat. Low/no contact with my frankly toxic family (parents and siblings) and last year they threw a lavish wedding for my sister. Wasn’t invited. But despite the fact they’re a bunch of arseholes, I did feel hurt by the fact all family and friends were invited and I was not (I didn’t even know her wedding date until I spotted it on social media). But I’ve come to the conclusion now that I’m much better off out of it all. Would you genuinely have a good time in such a strict, judgey atmosphere? I suspect the fact you’re now no-contact with your mum, she’s put her foot down and told your uncle to exclude you.

DO NOT ALLOW IT

No "experience" can make up to a child for being left at the mercies of abusive adults.

Your mother headfucked you so badly that you needed extensive therapy.
She CANNOT be allowed access to your precious children.
What she did to you, she will do to them.

The sheer entitlement & arrogance of applying to the school behind your back is breathtaking. Don't allow her to get her claws into your DC.

I feel for you, even though as you say it would be a horrible judgey environment I still feel stung. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing it too.

You’re so true and even my gran said the same before passing. My DC enjoy going to their church (90% all my family) and appear to be treated so well that they’d rather be with them than me so I feel guilty denying them that.

I could go on so much about awful experiences but it would out me even more. My own mum reported me to SS for having a bottle of wine in the fridge (a gift - I don’t drink) in fear I had a drink problem!
I was SA early teens and first thing they did was ring the minister to come “bless” me as I was no longer a virgin. It goes on..

the latest thing is they’ve booked a holiday behind my back for them knowing it’s something I could never give them (center parcs).

OP they're not ding this to be nice or kind. They're doing it to weaponise your DCs against you, which it sounds like they've already partly achieved - My DC enjoy going to their church (90% all my family) and appear to be treated so well that they’d rather be with them than me so I feel guilty denying them that.

Imagine what your mother would be dripping into the DC's ears if she had them away from you for any length of time.

The holiday is off, and if I were you I'd never let them be in their company alone again. Your Dm will delight in telling your DCs at any opportunity that their mean nasty mummy stopped them going on a lovely holiday.

You’re so true and even my gran said the same before passing.
Well bless your gran!
Honour her memory by taking her advice.

My DC enjoy going to their church (90% all my family) and appear to be treated so well that they’d rather be with them than me so I feel guilty denying them that.
Tough.
They'd also like to be playing in a paddling pool full of ice cream, to bunk school, so play twith dangerous fireworks (take your pick of unsuitable activity ...)
It's your job to make sure they don't.
They may not yet be aware of how toxic the family is, but they still need protecting from it.
You'll need to explain in age-appropriate terms, but something like "I know grandma is usually nice to you, but she hurt me badly when I was your age. I've talked to a doctor about it, who says it's my job to make sure she doesn't hurt you too."

I could go on so much about awful experiences but it would out me even more.
Don't worry OP. There are enough PP around who understand the severity & impact of what some mothers are capable of doing to their children.
If you need to vent, feel free. So what if it's outing? You've done nothing wrong, & it's not wrong to tell the truth - on an anonymous forum AND in real life.

My own mum reported me to SS for having a bottle of wine in the fridge (a gift - I don’t drink) in fear I had a drink problem!
She wasn't worried you had a drink problem. If she was, she would have talked to you about it. It was a chance for her to shame & control you. I bet she told all & sundry too - so she could present herself as the Noble Martyr With The Fallen Child.
What a bitch!

I was SA early teens and first thing they did was ring the minister to come “bless” me as I was no longer a virgin. It goes on..

I am so sorry.
Like the SA wasn't enough to cope with, they had to make you feel 'unclean' about it.

When you go fully NC, you will start to heal more fully.
No more triggering encounters, no more second-guessing yourself to try not to set anyone off, no more doubting your version of events.
Free yourself OP.
The price of no more family church attendance for DC, & not joining larger family group events, is well worth paying.

Honestly, thank you for your kindness and making me not think I’m going mad. I was starting to think I was but writing it all down here is somehow therapeutic.
I just felt I needed validation to feel hurt I suppose?
You’ve perfectly summed it up and you’re right; I need to protect my DC from it.
My eldest already calls me a sinner etc so it has started creeping through.

Thank you those that have taken the time to reply and provide insight. I’m struggling with my MH and doubt myself but it’s good to hear all perspectives too.

Have a lovely Easter all :)