Am I a bad mum ?

[lampsandlampshades]

I am on my own with three teens..19/15/13.
The youngest two gave anxiety , autism , OCD. The eldest has dyslexia and has had school refusal fir three years.
I've sought all relevant professional help, firstly.

My eldest can be rude, selfish and ungrateful. She is lazy at home, doesn't study for final exams . Yet she can be kind, loving and thoughtful.
She is deeply affected by her Dad leaving us four years ago. He couldn't cope and found another woman to shack up with.
My teen who is 15 is transgender. She is respected , accepted and adored . Socially awkward and linear, she does not confirm well to society and lives in her own content bubble.

Youngest literally shadows me day and night. He is a nervous wreck . Acrophobic and now obese as he comfier eats/ hides/ steals food etc.

I do not set a bedtime as they all sleep at different times. Between 9-11 pm.
I do not turn off WiFi as it is their joy and company.

I am very relaxed with little rules . I want them to feel peace and calm after years of aggression and being criticised by their deeply negative and unhappy father.
I will rarely say no to requests for lifts/ money/ reasonable items.
They ask for very little materially.

They are lazy around the house.
They will do as asked but at a push and rarely up to scratch. They do their own laundry mostly .

Overall though , their laziness feels like disrespect .
Am I doing a shit job here?
I work full time and have a cleaner.
I seem very laid back in comparison to my family and friends.
My eldest two are very independent and I have no worries for them leaving home .

I wouldn’t say you are a shit mother!!! You obviously are conscious that you are ‘more relaxed’ than others around you. You say you have no worries for them but also that they do nothing around the house - do you think they’ll be able to do those things for themselves if they they move out? You certainly aren’t a shit mother but if you wanted to impose more rules and force them to participate I equally don’t think that’s unreasonable! X

Thanks. They are well able to cook and clean up , do their laundry and are fully independent . Just home lazy

• bone

Not a bad mum but not exactly parenting fully if your kids are not pitching in and sharing the jobs especially at that age. I have sen children so it means having charts, rotas, lists etc so they understand what's needed and can see something is fair like everyone has a job and a turn. Letting your child comfort eat and become obese isn't right though and needs to be addressed especially for a child already with self esteem issues they will literally have decades ahead of them battling it if you don't help them properly with that now. Being a single parent to sen children is exhausting unfortunately we don't get to *sit back and relax very often at all our children need us to guide them more than others to give them the highest shot of independence possible. You do need to have some time for yourself also so make that a priority too xx

Most of us Mums try our best and at some point our children are going to have to take the reign. Steer their own ship. Look to themselves forst to solve their problems. Of course as parents we will always be there to support and guide as best we can but they really have to take control. We can’t live their lives for them and even the uber privileged millionaire kids of celebrities who have had everything money can but have their struggles in their own way. I’ve given up judging myself and think I’ve got probably 20 to 30 years left on this planet so I have to just live my life too.

Thanks.
Believe me ... I have tried everything with my child who is obese and I mean everything.
He hides, steals, buys food all unknown to me. He is always one step ahead of me.
I'm utterly depressed and drained from it.
Then he hates his body , promises to try to implement dietician programme, go for a cycle or a swim , but again .. more coveting and excuses to eat / not exercise.
He is embarrassed . Gets called terrible names.
Please advise if there's more I can do and yes, I need to be more firm on the re chores

I find the easiest way is to change things on the *sly at first so making changes as a family and not all at once ask them for help or to do an activity together, swap the crisps for lower calorie ones or less favourable ones so they become less appealing reinforcing positive behaviours rather than pulling up negative ones help with self esteem and mood it's definitely not easy and when your knackered it's like climbing a mountain I get it. I make the lists and charts and tell them they are for me so I can keep on top of everything and that I'd really like their help with it. They're old enough for you to open up to them and say look I'm really struggling at the minute will you help me I seem to get a more positive response from mine if they think they're helping me rather than having to do something for themselves. I worked in the disability sector for 20 years and luckily had alot of access to training and managing challenging behaviours without it I'd be totally lost don't get me wrong my kids some days are arses but the majority of the time we do get through it together even if indirectly haha xx

Everyone has different parenting techniques and we all adopt what works for us. None of your kids abuse drugs or go on wild alcoholic benders. Sounds like you do a good job given you work full time so setting them a really good role model. You say they can cook and do laundry but are lazy at home. Typical teens I'd say except you have to cope with kids with additional needs which is hard. I'd say you are doing a good job. You are being too hard on yourself OP. Try thinking of all the things you are doing right.

Sounds tough OP. You’re not a shit mum at all. Although I’d remember that being a good mum doesn’t always equal being liked by your kids. Chores and clear expectations are good things for teens.

Thanks.
I find that I'm so drained from them all that I just do things myself .. almost as a form of therapy ... listening to music while Pottering , knowing that the job will be done properly .
My daughter who refused school and was essentially seriously down in the dumps though not depressed , literally lay in bed all day everyday and would not tidy or make a meal before I came home from work. I really resented her disregard for me and the disrespect.
She text me one day to ask what was for dinner and I lost my shit altogether . The entitlement and expectation is breath taking .
She now knows to cook herself food if she doesn't want what I have on.
She will go to college in September . I will miss her so much but not the pigsty and masses of clothes and mess she leaves in her wake . Yet she is so good at her part time job, diligent, promoted and highly thought of . It's just me she disrespects clearly

On the plus side and I suppose this is a stream of consciousness ...
They don't do anything anti social or engage in poor. Behaviour or substance abuse .
They come home when told.
They are generous and thoughtful to a fault.
Two of them work hard at school, like to succeed for them and to ' make mam proud'
Their friends are gorgeous kids .
People speak highly of them. When I have , on rare occasions , list my shit or melted down, they rally around and do everything g they can to restore harmony .
Not their job I know and it is rare but I'm human too and get very overwhelmed .
I find that they wear me down when it comes to their diet wants versus needs and chores around the house .

I agree with pp that the obesity is a worrying factor as that has huge implications. It’s really up to your child to change their lifestyle to get the outcome they want - only they can take the steps required. Of course you can support them but reading your updates it sounds like you do enable a lot of their behaviour - eg your daughter not making meals - well don’t make her one in the evening if she can’t be arsed then the consequence is she’s hungry! Same about living in their mess etc. If you do everything they don’t have to bother. Your child who suffers with obesity also would maybe benefit from taking responsibility for their habits - buying junk food etc obviously won’t give them the outcome they would like; it’s important they realise that. How though is a complex one! But if they can tackle that I think it would give them such a confidence boost for everything else in their life too. X