Invited for dinner: no food till 11pm...

[Pluvia]

Yesterday (Saturday) I went to visit my last surviving aunt, who lives a three-hour drive away. I also contacted a former work colleague who lives in that area. We've stayed in touch over the years. I suggested we might meet up somewhere for a coffee before I set off home. She talked it over with her husband and then invited me to go to theirs and stay overnight. Her husband would make his amazing curry for me. She was very positive: wanted us to have a few drinks and reminisce about our old friends and clients and colleagues.

I took my aunt a nice lunch for the two of us but when I got there one of her sons and his daughter had called in to see her. They only live 15 minutes away. They seemed to assume the food was for them to share and helped themselves without asking while I was in the kitchen warming up a small quiche. I ended up with a quarter of a one-person quiche. My cousin commented that I hadn't bought much and I said that the food was for his mum and me and she has a very small appetite. He didn't apologise.

On my way to see my work colleague I grabbed a bag of crisps and an apple from a local shop but, knowing there'd be a curry, didn't eat anything more. I got to my friend's place at about 5pm and we had a cup of tea and a chat. At around 6.30pm the husband suggested we go to the pub. I thought he was sending me and his wife off while he cooked, but he came with us. I bought a couple of rounds and then, because I was really hungry, suggested ordering food — my treat. But they were adamant that I was going to have his famous curry and wouldn't let me order chips because that would ruin my appetite. At 10pm he left the pub to start cooking. My friend and I left at 10.30pm. When we got back he was in the kitchen cooking and I was eventually presented with a plate of curry and rice at a few minutes past 11pm. It was a nice enough curry but not worth the long wait.

As soon as we'd eaten they were clearly expecting to go to bed. I was ushered upstairs and slept badly. I'd told them that my plan was to leave early to get ahead of the traffic and because I have something planned for this afternoon. There was no sign of them by 9am, so I made myself a mug of tea and left a couple of bottles of wine and chocolates and a thank you note, and left. I've just stopped for a coffee and breakfast at a services on my way home.

Was any of that normal? If you pop into your mum's without notice, do you automatically assume that the lunch your cousin has bought her is up for you to grab? Do you invite people to stay over and have a home-cooked curry and then not feed them till 11pm? If your guest says they'll be leaving at around 9am, would you not just put on your dressing gown and come and say goodbye? I spent the whole day feeling as if I didn't really exist.

There seem to be so many posts along these lines.
What is it with people and food at the minute.

It sounds like you could have been a little more assertive in both scenarios tbh

i dont think you can be assertive when someone is cooking you a curry

Its a bit weird but you got fed and saw some friends and family - what's not to like? Not everything has to be structured down to the minute and in future if you're hungry just eat, you do not need permission

I'd have been up all night eating curry that late.

You're not the weird one, @Pluvia !@Pluvia

It’s normal for my in-laws but I can’t handle it. They eat breakfast, then go to pub at 7pm to drink on empty stomachs, then come back and eat a curry from the slow cooker at 11 then go to bed.

Doesn’t work for me. I like to have finished eating by 7pm!

I know. Must be something in the water. Or the inadequate food supplies.

Not normal at all. What a strange kind weekend you had. I keep a few snacks in my car for emergencies.

Amused that I've been accused of posting and running. I'm sure I stated that I was posting while I had a coffee-stop on the way home. I'm home now. Can't reply to posts while driving.

Those who've said I should have been more assertive: well, in retrospect clearly I should, but in each case I made my situation clear and in each case it was as if I was invisible. So, I arrived at my aunt's flat and when I found my cousin and his daughter there I said clearly that I'd only bought lunch for two and if I'd known they would be there I'd have bought more. They stayed while I heated up the oven for the quiche. My aunt's in her 80s, doesn't eat much and can only eat soft things, so yesterday I took smoked salmon pate (her favourite) and a one-person quiche from my local deli, two soft morning rolls and butter and three individual pots of rice pudding, trifle and chocolate mousse because she likes them all. I put the pate and buttered rolls out on the dining table, put out two plates and cutlery for me and my aunt and then went back to the kitchen to get the quiche out of the oven. When I walked back into the living room my aunt was sitting at the table with pate and half a roll on her plate. My cousin was eating a whole roll with pate and his daughter had the other half with the last of the pate. I'd cut the quiche into four and the moment the plate hit the table cousin reached in and took a quarter and gave it to his daughter, then came back for another piece. I was gobsmacked. While I was in the kitchen the three of them had decided who'd have which pudding and they'd each taken one. I was so astonished that anyone would do that — my cousin's an educated, professional middle class man — that I just couldn't think what to say, particularly in front of his little girl. As I say, I ended up with a couple of mouthfuls of quiche and they had everything else. He said afterwards, when they got up to go, that it was a pity there wasn't any more and I again said that it was only intended for his mother and me, expecting him to apologise — but nothing. It was as if I didn't exist.

Same with the curry friends. Before we went to the pub I'd said to them that I was hungry and looking forward to eating and then told them what had happened with lunch. They laughed and they didn't say anything about not eating for hours. At the pub I said twice that I was hungry and needed something to eat. I offered to buy us all dinner at around 7.30 and then a while later said I was going to have to have chips and the response was absolutely not, because then I wouldn't enjoy the curry. I should just have gone to the bar and ordered them anyway, but I was a guest and the husband had had quite a few drinks...

The posters saying what was the problem, I got fed, I got a free bed for the night go some way to explaining how some hosts think.

Were people always like this or has something happened to make them so thoughtless and shameless and self-focussed?

I'm now going out to a birthday tea, so may not be back for a few hours. It doesn't mean I'm running away.

Goodness op. Given your update, not sure what else you could have said/done.

Poor you…all day long! I am a bit confrontational and would have said ive got lunch for my aunt and myself you will need to pop out and get something to add to what ive bought. At my friends I would have said by 9…sorry, cant wait any longer to eat and ordered-pub grub!