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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH to change his way of talking?

13 replies

User078 · 09/04/2023 10:46

DH is a kind hearted, sweet, giving person and would never deliberately hurt anyone but the way he talks makes him sound aggressive, argumentative and sometimes arrogant. It’s not what he says but the tone of voice he uses, for example I asked him what time it was today and the way he responded, “10 o’clock” made it sound like I’d been hurling abuse at him initially. I can’t seem to explain it properly but honestly it’s not what he’s actually saying but the way his tone conveys. It’s got to the point where DD (complex SN) is getting upset every time DH has a conversation because she feels he’s having a go at her. DD is extremely sensitive but we’re not the only ones who get rubbed up by this. AIBU to think DH should change the way he talks/tone and be mindful or AIBU to not accept him the way he is?
Just to add we've been together over 20 years, this has only been an issue in the past 18 months since he moved to a more demanding job.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 09/04/2023 10:48

Have you asked him why he's changed his tone of voice?

Original poster
User078 · 09/04/2023 10:52

He hasn’t realised that he has but all you hear in our house is will you please watch your tone. It’s taking it’s toll on me because I feel like I’m always stuck in the middle of trying to calm DD down whilst DH is obviously trying to explain that he didn’t mean anything by what he said (he might have asked DD to only pick up dishes of the table).

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 09/04/2023 10:56

My DH can be like this when he's tired or stressed at work. It bothers me but the young DC don't notice yet - it was only be a couple of years til they do.
He doesn't realise it. I find talking to him about it when it's not happening helps...

Original poster
User078 · 09/04/2023 11:40

@YukoandHiro That’s the thing, he really doesn’t realise and I can tell him whilst he’s actually using that tone/voice and he won’t get angry but whatever the conversation we were having gets forgotten because he’s then defending that he didn’t mean to use the voice/tone. It’s like a never ending battle 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Limetart · 09/04/2023 11:43

My df does this, he 90.
He's got worse not better.
It comes down to anxiety imo and feeling defensive.

Werehalfwaythere · 09/04/2023 11:45

Unless he wants to push everyone away, he will have to.

What does he say when you explain how it makes the family feel? Have you tried recording him, so he can hear it for himself?

It sounds like it's become habitual, he'll have to make a conscious effort to change it.

Manichean · 09/04/2023 12:02

He knows what he is doing. He does not care.

workworkworkugh · 09/04/2023 12:38

This sounds like my DH.
He might just be asking the kids something/to do something or answering me and what he says is fine but he sounds angry when he says it.
I mention it every time I notice it and he swears he's not angry (and he may not have been before or afterwards) it's just his tone/voice.
Drives me crazy!

Merrow · 09/04/2023 12:43

My DP says this about me. Honestly, I can't tell, it's completely unintentional and I wouldn't be able to change it. It's usually when I'm tired. I find it really annoying when it's pointed out because there's literally nothing I can do about it and all it achieves is making me feel shit.

QueefQueen80s · 09/04/2023 12:45

I'm trying to imagine it, so you ask the time and will he say it in a loud defensive way as if he's already said it 3 times?

Original poster
User078 · 09/04/2023 21:24

@QueefQueen80s not a defensive way, it’s more of a tone that is stern in the serious sense, but somehow different. It’s really weird but it seems to rub everyone in the house up the wrong way. @workworkworkugh thats it, it drives me crazy too. He has made a conscious effort today though and really tried so hard to soften his tone. I feel so bad because it must be so difficult to constantly make that effort before speaking. He really is the most laid back, sweetest, kindest person you can come across, nothing is ever too much for him but this is the only thing that causes friction in the house. Doesn’t help that DD is ASD.

OP posts:
Paperbagsaremine · 09/04/2023 21:36

Bribe jar? You get to use a code word that means, "Hey sweetie, the Tone Of Doom has captured you again, time to channel your inner teddy bear again"
And HE gets to take a chocolate from the Tone Bribe Jar to make up for the fact that nobody enjoys being told they have Resting Bitch Voice again.
You say he's a good chap and you really don't think he's doing it consciously or maliciously, so...

Original poster
User078 · 09/04/2023 21:46

@Paperbagsaremine wow this is actually an amazing idea and could possibly work. I know for a fact he wants to change it because when he’s told he makes that effort and that also makes me feel that he’s not being malicious. His favourites are werther's original so a jar of those and that way I don’t have to constantly mention it 😂

OP posts:
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