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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Baby’s father/ family

15 replies

evilgen124 · 08/04/2023 23:27

So I was in a dv relationship that ended in my beautiful boy ( wouldn’t change that part) my mil was always on my side and would always try and get her son unto treat me better. I got with my ex and right from the start it was a controlling relationship 5 months in I went to uni and he told me he was going to kill him self because I left I had to call the police to find him ( he took this as I cared and got worse) I had to leave uni 3 weeks in as it was so bad about 4 months later it got so bad I had to call the police as he would wait outside my job for me follow me and constantly accuse me of being with other guys the police charged him with control and coercion and he wasn’t to contact me anymore, now I’ll admit I broke that and got in contact as he lost his grandma and I knew how much it would effect him I shortly after this moved in with him he didn’t let me have a key to the flat I would have to drive to his work to get the key and then stay up till 2/3am to let him in when I left for work at 7 am I got pregnant and became incredibly sick I was throwing up 49/50 times a day couldn’t eat or drink anything he would scream at me for being sick and not cleaning the flat or not picking him up from work I ended up in hospital and he didn’t come to visit or ask how I was when I got home he didn’t ask if I was ok he asked me to do his washing I left and moved home where the abuse got worse he’d constantly message accusing me of being at other men’s houses demanding I don’t go near men as the baby might think that they are his dad (still pregnant) my midwives picked up on this and I went to a apt without him and they said and I quote “thank fuck. He sucks the energy out the room” it got to the point he’d spam me at 1/2 am and I had to block him as when I tried to communicate during the day he didn’t care only at night I went through his mum for appointments and updates to keep him informed at my gender scan he screamed at me in the waiting room that I’d ruined the pregnancy for him and ruined the experience I drove him around his family to tell them and he screamed at me the entire time and when I finally had enough he dented my car door by slamming it. He eventually moved on to another woman who I went to school with however he used her to find out if I was going to have him at the birth or on the birth certificate which I didn’t want him at the birth for my safety but he used her to find all this out and I broke down and messaged his mum how upset I was and she went off at me calling me disgusting and how horrible I was calling me an unfit mother and my mum an alcoholic so I blocked contact with all of them as I was 37 weeks pregnant and trying to enjoy the last weeks, I spent weeks getting friend requests of people and my friends asking why they where trying to find info on me. After I had baby I was less then 48. Hours pp when his mum showed up at my door demanding to meet my baby and be involved in his life I was crying in a corner and my mum delt with it I said I needed time to heal from birth before anyone met him they kept pestering me to meet him when she posted on fb asking what rights she had to my child because I was stopping her from being involved I called her and all she said was it was HER grandchild and wouldn’t accept him as mine I finally gave in and let them meet him 2weeks pp fast forward to baby being 1 month old dad still hasn’t met him as I am terrified of him and the baby isn’t safe with him, I went out shopping on my own for the first time and I saw babies dad so avoided him and went to sit at my job for a while to let them leave to avoid confrontation as I went back to my car he was stood waiting watching my car and followed me there shouting at me to meet his son saying why haven’t I let his family meet him when I have half his family refused to have anything to do with him as they are all convinced I will take him away again when all I want is his family involved except his dad, basically I had to call the police again as he was following me and I was terrified the police want to charge him with stalking I’m sorry this is so long but AIBU if I stop all his family seeing baby till after police proceedings/ custody court are over they think I want to keep this baby away from them all when i don’t I am just young a FTM and scared I want his grandparents involved just not the dad AIBU

OP posts:
BeardieWeirdie · 08/04/2023 23:39

Why in earth do you want his family involved after the way his mum treated you? They’re on his side, not yours, and not your baby’s. Fuck them all off. Please get some help - I’ve heard of the freedom project course on here - so that you can clear the fog.

BeardieWeirdie · 08/04/2023 23:40

On earth not in!

evilgen124 · 08/04/2023 23:58

Honestly I don’t but i feel I have to for my sons sake I’m so bloody upset about everything I spent weeks not sleeping trying to decide what right what’s best and what I want and I don’t know what decision to go with I feel like I’m too nice I can’t say no

OP posts:
PaigeMatthews · 09/04/2023 00:03

evilgen124 · 08/04/2023 23:58

Honestly I don’t but i feel I have to for my sons sake I’m so bloody upset about everything I spent weeks not sleeping trying to decide what right what’s best and what I want and I don’t know what decision to go with I feel like I’m too nice I can’t say no

Not being able to say no isnt because youre too nice. It is because you have poor boundaries. It isnt a positive thing to not be able to say no.

evilgen124 · 09/04/2023 00:06

I think it’s because I’m scared of them, I’m scared if I stop them then they’ll use it against me at court ( police said they doubt he’ll get visitation at this rate) I’m honestly just trying to keep everyone happy but I need to put my foot down

OP posts:
IJustHadToLookHavingReadTheBook · 09/04/2023 00:08

Do not let him be on the Birth Certificate. You went no way of him coming near you or your son. You have a biological link to think fucker for the rest of your life now, you don't need a legal one too. Move away, change your phone number and social media is my advice.

PaigeMatthews · 09/04/2023 00:13

evilgen124 · 09/04/2023 00:06

I think it’s because I’m scared of them, I’m scared if I stop them then they’ll use it against me at court ( police said they doubt he’ll get visitation at this rate) I’m honestly just trying to keep everyone happy but I need to put my foot down

It is not your role to make everyone happy. Your role is to keep your baby safe and nurtured.

evilgen124 · 09/04/2023 00:14

He’s not on the birth certificate and in the process of getting a restraining order in place baby has my last name and he wasn’t at the birth I’m planning on moving but can’t till December time, I had a text from his mum after I called the police saying I had no right to be terrified because he was never violent to me I feel like I’m being forced into sharing my child

OP posts:
Murdoch1949 · 09/04/2023 08:11

Grandparents have no legal right to access to your baby, obviously other family members don't either. Do not be intimidated into visiting them or allowing visits. If the father wants to go to court to get access he can. He doesn't sound like the sort of parent who will bother, or be consistent in a relationship as a father. You were right to keep him off the birth certificate and to use your surname. You understand what you need to do for your and your baby's emotional health. Stay strong.

Cherrysoup · 09/04/2023 08:34

Surely you don’t want these idiots in your child’s life? If they want contact, let them try in court. Meanwhile I’d be very supportive of the police charging him with stalking. Keep yourself and your child safe from these arseholes.

BeardieWeirdie · 09/04/2023 10:35

Block his mum and anyone else associated with him. You’re clearly young enough to have fallen for the “be kind”/accept being treated badly - you do not have to live like this. Put your baby first, move away. Being nice will only count against you with these people - let the police do their job, and please look into the freedom programme.

evilgen124 · 09/04/2023 15:39

My baby is safe with me his parents are delusional in thinking I’ll leave the baby with them for any amount of time I’d know they’d immediately take him to see there son they have constantly made me out to be the bad person I have everyone blocked bar his mums number which I will be blocking I never knew having to make decisions for someone who can’t express their feelings/opinions would be so hard well I did just not like this I’ve been discussing it with my mum and I’ve decided to cut everything off and go to court but let court come to me I know that as soon as he gets control through court then he’ll never be consistent as he doesn’t drive and I refuse to drive the baby to and from him when it pleases him

OP posts:
evilgen124 · 09/04/2023 15:41

They are all blocked unfortunately I feel bad because it’s only him and his mum who have treated me like this his other family members have been amazing towards me I feel like they are being punished for his and her actions well right up till he was born and they have all been convinced I’m a bitch who wants to keep the baby away even tho I have asked them if they want to meet him and they say I don’t want anything to do with him

OP posts:
DashboardConfessional · 09/04/2023 15:47

Look, he is a violent abusive bully. It sounds like he was sexually violent too. In my opinion you owe nothing more to him and his family than you would if you'd been raped by a stranger.

You can't let your son grow up seeing how this prick treats the next woman.

evilgen124 · 09/04/2023 18:33

That why I haven’t let him meet him I don’t care about me I don’t want my son thinking it’s ok his mum said “ you can’t be scared of him he was never violent” I’m honestly done I’ve spent the day in bed thinking about it and I’ve cut all contact with his mum

OP posts:
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